Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Guided by wire

In the spirit of my infrequent sobriety, I spent tonight cooking Turkey chili, watching Frida, and now blogging. Je suis un bloggeur.I've been feeling lonely and scared and I can feel myself getting bored with summer. The scared is part of the transitional, pre-moving, pre-starting a brand new stage of my life thing. The lonely is something I'm certainly not unaccustomed to. It just feels more tangible after the 40-year old came and went so quickly. I know he's an ass, and wrong for me, and crazy, but I do miss male attention. I miss having someone in my bed. I miss having another body to touch and a waist to put my arms around. Not to mention the fact that I enjoyed his company and felt "challenged" by him in a way that not a lot of guys who have come along have been able to offer.

This weekend I spent some time with a guy who I'm pretty sure had/has a thing for me. We used to hang out a few years ago and I always got that sense from him. Nothing ever happened though. We went to a show together friday night. We were sitting at the bar outside, drinking beer and talking and he would occasionally rub his hand over my back or something like that. It was nice. But even then, I still couldn't really find him attractive. What is it about availability that is unattractive?

The summer boredom is inevitable, especially since I quit my summer job. In one respect, this is the best thing I've done this summer and in other respects, it's the worst. I'm still finding things to do, but I need to find more.

1 comment:

Stikki K. said...

Availability doesn't "attract" because responsibility and risk are involved.

But availability can be more attractive when you actually like, respect, and admire the available person.