Tuesday, July 15, 2008

That one is for you to keep.

I said good-bye to my grandmother today.

Her health has been deteriorating for a few years and today she decided that it is time to let go. She is not going to dialysis anymore. That basically gives her 2 weeks at most to live. Most likely less than that because of her numerous comorbidities. My family is a wreck and I'm 5 hours away and can't be there. I'm certain that I'll be able to get off of rotations to fly down for the funeral, but there's just no way I'm going to be able to be with them for 2 weeks. This really sucks for all of us because I've always been the "strong one".

It doesn't even feel real to me. This is the first grandparent I have lost-- and the one I am closest to. Up until this afternoon, I had barely even cried. I kept answering questions for my family about all of the medical issues they are worried about, and using it as a defense to protect myself from the pain.

She is very weak and confused, so she is saying her good-byes now while she still can. She called me this afternoon and we talked a little bit, just avoiding the inevitable. Then as we were hanging up she said,
"You sound great. Here's a kiss. That one is for you to keep."
"You take one back too. I love you"
"I love you too"

And I finally started crying.


Fermi said...

I am sorry about your grandmother.

I have been thinking about deaths and grandparents lately because this Saturday is my dead Grandmother's memorial service. I talked to my parents tonight and my mom said that my Dad is not looking forward to it. And she said that he is doing the best out of the 4 kids.

Death is hard. I think that is all there is to it.

Frances D said...

Losing my grandmother was really tough for me. She took me and my brother in when we lost our mother. I was 17 months old, he was 3 days old and she was 52. She passed away at nearly 93 in 2003.
Death is very very hard.
Sending healing vibes your way.

Skuh said...

I am sorry about your Grandmother.
Beautiful, touching post.

Clay Perry said...

touching post, i am sorry for your loss, i lost my dad this past feb.