I haven't posted in a long time - mainly because I feel that my life experiencing some mild turbulence. I am so American because by "my life" I mean my working life. My home life is beautiful.
The turbulence is fine- I am not distressed about it. I am only being cautious as I move about the cabin and having my seat-belt buckled when I am seated.
My current experiences right now have got me wondering: Does everything happen for a reason?
Katu said, "Everything Happens For A Reason." (EHFAR)
I said, "I don't know if I believe that. I don't know if I believe in anything, even Science."
EHFAR got me thinking about Presbyterians and predestination. In college I was at a Bible study in the Methodist church and the preacher talked about how Evil exists in this world. Car accidents kill promising teenagers who haven't had a chance to realize their full potential. Everything does NOT happen for a reason. Some things are not of God.
Even if we remove God from this equation, Is there order in the universe? I now think that there is only a certain probability of order.
I am wondering about EHFAR because suddenly things seem to be falling into place. Actions I took in the past because I thought they were good things to do now have an unforeseen payoff.
This could be the probability of order swinging my way again. Or it could be the fact that humans have evolved to look for meaning in their own lives.
Showing posts with label fake intellectual. Show all posts
Showing posts with label fake intellectual. Show all posts
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Saturday, August 23, 2008
Woe to the Woah
At my University it was the first week of classes. I am auditing one class this semester about macromolecular structure and it is very interesting. Sitting in class feels like a treat! It is also a bit odd as I am constantly reminded of how I know almost nothing about Biochemistry. This is a new feeling because I selected my focus before my senior year of college and from my senior year until now (my 3rd year of grad school), all of my courses have had some overlap and they became second nature to me. Now, sitting in a course I know nothing about, I consistently guess incorrectly (out loud and in my head) and this is a new thing for me. I am about 10 for 10 of incorrect in class answers. This is doing wonders for my self- esteem. ;)
The most thought provoking incident of the week occurred on Thursday. I lead a Women in Chemistry group of graduate students, and we were asked to hold a breakfast and lunch for a seminar speaker. The speaker is a smart soft spoken woman who works at a national lab. She is only 1.5 years out of graduate school so her point of view was really applicable to my group.
Having lunches with professional PhD women is one of the most common activities of my Women's group. The goal of these lunches is to rejuvenate and inspire us, to provide us glimpses of careers of our futures, and to provide us with positive female role models. The funny thing was that after this breakfast-lunch combo, at least 50% of my group were either crying or thinking of crying and wanting to quit graduate school. ... Mission Accomplished.
I wasn't crying, but I felt the same way. Jips asked me: What did she say to make you all so upset? I thought about that and I thought about the underlying assumptions that we had about our future life that made the speakers talk such a rude awakening. I came up with a few reasons for our woe.
Reasons for Woe
1. College is Awesome. For most of us, college is the first time (that we think) we are treated as adults. We go to class, have a part time job, workout, and hang out with friends. The thing about college is that you have a TON of free time. Well, I had a TON of free time because I never took 18 hours in one semester. But the sad truth is: college is nothing like real adult life. The truth is that most Americans work very hard at their jobs, and college educated Americans (more often than not) work more than 40 hours a week. This in itself is a shocker if you think college is the begining of your adult life.
2. Most women in my group came to get their PhD straight out of college. Our graduate program requires more than 40 hours a week for the first two years. Add to that the emotional toll of our peon status of graduate students, the fact that we make as much as a wall-mart grocery bagger, and you get some weary kids. One girl told me this: You know what our problem is? We liked Chemistry in college, so we got fooled into thinking that graduate school was a good idea. And now we are stuck in this 10 foot deep cylinder of shit that we can't get out of. Perhaps I embellished that a bit. Regardless, it is true. Getting a PhD in Science can suck ass, especially in the first 2 years when the demands are high.
Enter our speaker who said:
-I thought I worked hard in grad school, but now I work so much harder and I am so much busier.
-I work five 10 hour days, and then about five or six hours on Sunday. I feel like I get to see my husband all the time because we go running every night after work, and on Saturday we sleep in and then run errands together.
To someone who is barely holding on now in grad school, this sounds like a bleak future.
From Woe to woah.
I thought about this some more, and it does seem true that most educated people in America work hard at their jobs. So why should I look forward to my future?
1. My Peon Status won't last forever. Feeling like an expert at work rather than a slave has got to do wonders for the enjoyment you can get out of your job.
2. Everyone in America works hard, but I will be getting paid a large amount of money for the work I do.
3. I will probably be working with other highly educated adults. This has got to beat being a first grade teacher, or waiting tables.
4. I like science, research, development, and optimization. When I was in undergrad, a grad student in the lab where I worked told me: You would probably like grad school because you really like research. That helps me even now. I do LOVE research, and focusing on the science and how cool it is helps me like my job now, and will probably help in the future.
---------
So why do I have a photo of the guy with a power tool? Cause I learned how to drill this week! My research has required me to do a construction project and it is awesome. I am going slow (Because I have never built anything before.) But so far my project looks good and very sturdy. So I am enjoying work a ton this week.
The most thought provoking incident of the week occurred on Thursday. I lead a Women in Chemistry group of graduate students, and we were asked to hold a breakfast and lunch for a seminar speaker. The speaker is a smart soft spoken woman who works at a national lab. She is only 1.5 years out of graduate school so her point of view was really applicable to my group.
Having lunches with professional PhD women is one of the most common activities of my Women's group. The goal of these lunches is to rejuvenate and inspire us, to provide us glimpses of careers of our futures, and to provide us with positive female role models. The funny thing was that after this breakfast-lunch combo, at least 50% of my group were either crying or thinking of crying and wanting to quit graduate school. ... Mission Accomplished.
I wasn't crying, but I felt the same way. Jips asked me: What did she say to make you all so upset? I thought about that and I thought about the underlying assumptions that we had about our future life that made the speakers talk such a rude awakening. I came up with a few reasons for our woe.
Reasons for Woe
1. College is Awesome. For most of us, college is the first time (that we think) we are treated as adults. We go to class, have a part time job, workout, and hang out with friends. The thing about college is that you have a TON of free time. Well, I had a TON of free time because I never took 18 hours in one semester. But the sad truth is: college is nothing like real adult life. The truth is that most Americans work very hard at their jobs, and college educated Americans (more often than not) work more than 40 hours a week. This in itself is a shocker if you think college is the begining of your adult life.
2. Most women in my group came to get their PhD straight out of college. Our graduate program requires more than 40 hours a week for the first two years. Add to that the emotional toll of our peon status of graduate students, the fact that we make as much as a wall-mart grocery bagger, and you get some weary kids. One girl told me this: You know what our problem is? We liked Chemistry in college, so we got fooled into thinking that graduate school was a good idea. And now we are stuck in this 10 foot deep cylinder of shit that we can't get out of. Perhaps I embellished that a bit. Regardless, it is true. Getting a PhD in Science can suck ass, especially in the first 2 years when the demands are high.
Enter our speaker who said:
-I thought I worked hard in grad school, but now I work so much harder and I am so much busier.
-I work five 10 hour days, and then about five or six hours on Sunday. I feel like I get to see my husband all the time because we go running every night after work, and on Saturday we sleep in and then run errands together.
To someone who is barely holding on now in grad school, this sounds like a bleak future.
From Woe to woah.
I thought about this some more, and it does seem true that most educated people in America work hard at their jobs. So why should I look forward to my future?
1. My Peon Status won't last forever. Feeling like an expert at work rather than a slave has got to do wonders for the enjoyment you can get out of your job.
2. Everyone in America works hard, but I will be getting paid a large amount of money for the work I do.
3. I will probably be working with other highly educated adults. This has got to beat being a first grade teacher, or waiting tables.
4. I like science, research, development, and optimization. When I was in undergrad, a grad student in the lab where I worked told me: You would probably like grad school because you really like research. That helps me even now. I do LOVE research, and focusing on the science and how cool it is helps me like my job now, and will probably help in the future.
---------
So why do I have a photo of the guy with a power tool? Cause I learned how to drill this week! My research has required me to do a construction project and it is awesome. I am going slow (Because I have never built anything before.) But so far my project looks good and very sturdy. So I am enjoying work a ton this week.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Professional Follower
In the comments of the last post Novella asked if my sister could get professional help.
I need to explain more of the story.
In this post, Sister = S.
The root of the problem is not that my sister is too skinny, but rather that she is a Follower. We are all followers to some extent, but she is a Follower in the most extreme of ways. She Follows to the point of becoming brainwashed. She is 27, and so far I can count 3 wash cycles each of which last years.
The first wash started in High School. S was popular. The popular group was her group. You have to be somewhat brainwashed to be popular in high school. I guess I haven't read much about this topic because it is one of the more socially acceptable ways to not think. Someone once said that religion isn't the opium of the people, fashion is. In high school she told me that I shouldn't let my date drive me home if he was drunk. That was good of her to tell me, and one of the signs that her mind wasn't totally mush.
When popular high school girls go to college they do one thing: Join Sororities. And that is what S did. Until she quit a year later to join what I call "the sorority church."
The second wash setting is: Fundamentalist Non-denominational Christian. The Sorority Church was on the edge of our college campus, and provided for all of a Follower's needs. You aren't Saved unless you specifically ask Jesus into your heart. The only requirement for a good husband was that he has asked Jesus into his heart. You don't have to worry about discussing things like financial plans, children, or relationship needs before you get married because hell, whenever things that like arise you can pray about it, and Jesus will tell you what to do. You know that eating disorder you had in High School? Just "give it to god" and it will go away.
S married a Christian guy from the Sorority Church. They moved many miles away after college to a place where her Husband has a job and where she can go to graduate school to get her masters in counseling.
The third wash cycle is: Psyco Camp complete with Psyco Drugs. Away from the Sorority Church and the Harem of Followers she was "friends" with, S gets lonely. Lonely in the way that her husband is gone on trips for work 80% of the year, Lonely in the way that the Female Harem is gone, and Lonely in the way that everyone is when they move far away to a new city. But in Psyco Camp where she is being trained, she names her Loneliness: Manic Depression. She sees a doctor who gives her so much medicine (Psyco Drugs) that when she is taking it as prescribed she passes out and hits her head on the bath tub. She goes to the emergency room all the time now that she is in the new city far away. S is always having accidents. She starts smoking cigarettes. With five years now between the present and the Sorority Church she tells me that she maybe was brainwashed (at that time.) Praying looses its magic. She is taking tons of Psyco Drugs. My dad says to me: "I warned my kids about the illegal drugs, but didn't think to warn them about the legal ones." I have the feeling that her starvation is a result of her drowning her unhappiness in Psyco Drugs rather than an eating disorder. My dad says that her brain would work better if she wasn't so skinny.
I am not sure what the answer is.
Is there such a thing as professional help for a Serial Follower?
*Please note that I believe in Psyco Drugs when used properly. However sometimes they are used without really helping the patient. I judge this to be one of those times.*
I need to explain more of the story.
In this post, Sister = S.
The root of the problem is not that my sister is too skinny, but rather that she is a Follower. We are all followers to some extent, but she is a Follower in the most extreme of ways. She Follows to the point of becoming brainwashed. She is 27, and so far I can count 3 wash cycles each of which last years.
The first wash started in High School. S was popular. The popular group was her group. You have to be somewhat brainwashed to be popular in high school. I guess I haven't read much about this topic because it is one of the more socially acceptable ways to not think. Someone once said that religion isn't the opium of the people, fashion is. In high school she told me that I shouldn't let my date drive me home if he was drunk. That was good of her to tell me, and one of the signs that her mind wasn't totally mush.
When popular high school girls go to college they do one thing: Join Sororities. And that is what S did. Until she quit a year later to join what I call "the sorority church."
The second wash setting is: Fundamentalist Non-denominational Christian. The Sorority Church was on the edge of our college campus, and provided for all of a Follower's needs. You aren't Saved unless you specifically ask Jesus into your heart. The only requirement for a good husband was that he has asked Jesus into his heart. You don't have to worry about discussing things like financial plans, children, or relationship needs before you get married because hell, whenever things that like arise you can pray about it, and Jesus will tell you what to do. You know that eating disorder you had in High School? Just "give it to god" and it will go away.
S married a Christian guy from the Sorority Church. They moved many miles away after college to a place where her Husband has a job and where she can go to graduate school to get her masters in counseling.
The third wash cycle is: Psyco Camp complete with Psyco Drugs. Away from the Sorority Church and the Harem of Followers she was "friends" with, S gets lonely. Lonely in the way that her husband is gone on trips for work 80% of the year, Lonely in the way that the Female Harem is gone, and Lonely in the way that everyone is when they move far away to a new city. But in Psyco Camp where she is being trained, she names her Loneliness: Manic Depression. She sees a doctor who gives her so much medicine (Psyco Drugs) that when she is taking it as prescribed she passes out and hits her head on the bath tub. She goes to the emergency room all the time now that she is in the new city far away. S is always having accidents. She starts smoking cigarettes. With five years now between the present and the Sorority Church she tells me that she maybe was brainwashed (at that time.) Praying looses its magic. She is taking tons of Psyco Drugs. My dad says to me: "I warned my kids about the illegal drugs, but didn't think to warn them about the legal ones." I have the feeling that her starvation is a result of her drowning her unhappiness in Psyco Drugs rather than an eating disorder. My dad says that her brain would work better if she wasn't so skinny.
I am not sure what the answer is.
Is there such a thing as professional help for a Serial Follower?
*Please note that I believe in Psyco Drugs when used properly. However sometimes they are used without really helping the patient. I judge this to be one of those times.*
Saturday, August 2, 2008
Celebrating Fermi-ness
I have a love/hate relationship with my birthday. On one hand it is my ultimate favorite day, because it is a day for me: a day I can celebrate my Fermi-ness. I used to dislike my birthday because I got unwanted gifts and attention and that made me feel uncomfortable. Now, I get more presents that I want, and I am overall more at peace with who I am so unwanted attention doesn't bother me nearly as much.
Age is a funny thing because there is our chronological age (25), the age we feel (40), and the age we look (17). Now with modern advancements in interweb technology we can even calculate our Real Age (16.7) at www.realage.com! I guess it is comforting that my real age is 16.7 because strangers generally think that I am an undergrad in college.
Arg. You want some real amusement? Go check out Cajun Boy's blog. Watch the embedded video at this post, and then follow the link at the end of the post and read his analysis.
Fermi's report card of life skills (age 25):
Thinking
99 - A
Communicating
60 - F
Talking
50 - F
Writing
70 - C
Being Kind
70 - C
Loving
90 - A
Walking
90 - A
Swimming
40 - F
Age is a funny thing because there is our chronological age (25), the age we feel (40), and the age we look (17). Now with modern advancements in interweb technology we can even calculate our Real Age (16.7) at www.realage.com! I guess it is comforting that my real age is 16.7 because strangers generally think that I am an undergrad in college.
Arg. You want some real amusement? Go check out Cajun Boy's blog. Watch the embedded video at this post, and then follow the link at the end of the post and read his analysis.
Fermi's report card of life skills (age 25):
Thinking
99 - A
Communicating
60 - F
Talking
50 - F
Writing
70 - C
Being Kind
70 - C
Loving
90 - A
Walking
90 - A
Swimming
40 - F
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Some people like their jobs?
In the realm of work-life balance there are several classes of opinion ranging from [My job defines me - I love my job - I am a work-a- holic] to [I hate my job and only do this for the paycheck] with all shades of gray in between. I got to thinking about this when skuh posted awhile back and said: "I still am having trouble believing that people can like what they do for a living." Do I like my job? I wondered. Now, I will begin the investigation!
My first Job: Babysitting
Pros:
(1) This job provides chance to earn tax-free money when you are under 16.
(2) You get a candid glimpse of what someone else's family is like.
Cons:
(1) Your job security may depend on the whims of children.
(2) It was hard for me to stay awake that late at night.
To sum it up:
Being an awesome babysitter takes lots of energy, hard work, and slight manipulation. Getting paid 5 to 8 dollars an hour seemed great at the time, but I am glad that this is not my job now.
My first "real" job (ages 16-18) Hostess at a medium sized pasta resturant:
Summary (and Pros):
I totally loved this job. Here are the reasons:
(1) Working let me escape from my parents during the thunderous teenage years.
(2) I was "the favorite hostess" mainly because I wasn't an idiot like most of the other hostesses, and I worked hard.
(3) The (college boy) servers were constantly flirting with me.
(4) Working let me have some income that I could spend on important things like diet coke and CDs.
(5) Being a hostess means that there is lots of social interaction with minimal intimacy. Having a set script to tell people while I was seating them was about as much intimacy as I could handle at 16.
(6) I got to color with the children's crayons while I was waiting for people to come into the restaurant.
Cons:
(1) Sometimes you have to work with really dumb and obnoxious girls that are also hostesses.
(2) Sometimes servers will direct the anger they feel towards their table at you because they lack emotional maturity.
Next job, age 18 into college: Server at various resturants
Pros:
(1) Waitressing gives social interaction with limited intimacy.
(2) I had an inner desire to wait tables, and this was a realization of my dream.
Cons:
(1) Your income depends on the mood of the people you wait on.
(2) If the restaurant isn't busy, you might not make any "real" money.
(3) Most other servers are not people that I would choose to be friends with.
Summary:
Every time Jips and I go out to eat I am thankful that I am not working in a restaurant.
I liked this job while I was there.
College age: Student Worker
Summary:
This marks the begining of my distaste for Academia.
College age: Farmer's Market Checkout Girl
Pros:
(1) If the people in line get pissy, you don't have to worry about them leaving you a bad tip.
(2) The girls I worked with were awesome.
(3) The uniform consisted of a t-shirt containing dancing fruit. I still wear them today.
(4) You get to shop for fresh fruit and veggies after work. You know exactly when the fresh strawberries arrive.
(5) You work in fresh air surrounded by fresh produce. This is a beautiful environment.
Cons:
(1) Working outside in the middle of winter means wearing 3 pairs of pants and 5 layers under your jacket.
Summary:
I have fond memories of this job. I had a nice retired navy grampa as a boss. I loved the fact that I didn't have to care about moody customers.
Grad School age: Grad school, Teaching Assistant / Research Assistant
Pros:
(1) Being a TA made me more compassionate.
(2) I am getting paid to go to school. Yes, they pay me enough to live while I focus on my degree.
(3) I split an office containing four desks with just one other female grad student that I like. (That means I get TWO desks!)
(4) I have met some awesome graduate students in my program.
(5) I actually enjoy learning and studying and researching.
Cons:
(1) The pay is much less than my B.S. degree would allow me to earn in the real world. I earn less than a high school teacher.
(2) Most professors act like rich spoiled 6th graders. These "6th graders" have control over if I get my degree or not. Dealing with this has been difficult.
(3) It is hard to have any sort of relationship with your husband or "friends" when you work constantly.
Summary:
I like research and playing around in a lab. But once I get out with my degree, I am never coming back.
Currently, I guess I do like what I do for a job on a daily basis. And I have even learned how to manage my boss!
If you didn't yet respond to Skuh's post, do you like your job?
My first Job: Babysitting
Pros:
(1) This job provides chance to earn tax-free money when you are under 16.
(2) You get a candid glimpse of what someone else's family is like.
Cons:
(1) Your job security may depend on the whims of children.
(2) It was hard for me to stay awake that late at night.
To sum it up:
Being an awesome babysitter takes lots of energy, hard work, and slight manipulation. Getting paid 5 to 8 dollars an hour seemed great at the time, but I am glad that this is not my job now.
My first "real" job (ages 16-18) Hostess at a medium sized pasta resturant:
Summary (and Pros):
I totally loved this job. Here are the reasons:
(1) Working let me escape from my parents during the thunderous teenage years.
(2) I was "the favorite hostess" mainly because I wasn't an idiot like most of the other hostesses, and I worked hard.
(3) The (college boy) servers were constantly flirting with me.
(4) Working let me have some income that I could spend on important things like diet coke and CDs.
(5) Being a hostess means that there is lots of social interaction with minimal intimacy. Having a set script to tell people while I was seating them was about as much intimacy as I could handle at 16.
(6) I got to color with the children's crayons while I was waiting for people to come into the restaurant.
Cons:
(1) Sometimes you have to work with really dumb and obnoxious girls that are also hostesses.
(2) Sometimes servers will direct the anger they feel towards their table at you because they lack emotional maturity.
Next job, age 18 into college: Server at various resturants
Pros:
(1) Waitressing gives social interaction with limited intimacy.
(2) I had an inner desire to wait tables, and this was a realization of my dream.
Cons:
(1) Your income depends on the mood of the people you wait on.
(2) If the restaurant isn't busy, you might not make any "real" money.
(3) Most other servers are not people that I would choose to be friends with.
Summary:
Every time Jips and I go out to eat I am thankful that I am not working in a restaurant.
I liked this job while I was there.
College age: Student Worker
Summary:
This marks the begining of my distaste for Academia.
College age: Farmer's Market Checkout Girl
Pros:
(1) If the people in line get pissy, you don't have to worry about them leaving you a bad tip.
(2) The girls I worked with were awesome.
(3) The uniform consisted of a t-shirt containing dancing fruit. I still wear them today.
(4) You get to shop for fresh fruit and veggies after work. You know exactly when the fresh strawberries arrive.
(5) You work in fresh air surrounded by fresh produce. This is a beautiful environment.
Cons:
(1) Working outside in the middle of winter means wearing 3 pairs of pants and 5 layers under your jacket.
Summary:
I have fond memories of this job. I had a nice retired navy grampa as a boss. I loved the fact that I didn't have to care about moody customers.
Grad School age: Grad school, Teaching Assistant / Research Assistant
Pros:
(1) Being a TA made me more compassionate.
(2) I am getting paid to go to school. Yes, they pay me enough to live while I focus on my degree.
(3) I split an office containing four desks with just one other female grad student that I like. (That means I get TWO desks!)
(4) I have met some awesome graduate students in my program.
(5) I actually enjoy learning and studying and researching.
Cons:
(1) The pay is much less than my B.S. degree would allow me to earn in the real world. I earn less than a high school teacher.
(2) Most professors act like rich spoiled 6th graders. These "6th graders" have control over if I get my degree or not. Dealing with this has been difficult.
(3) It is hard to have any sort of relationship with your husband or "friends" when you work constantly.
Summary:
I like research and playing around in a lab. But once I get out with my degree, I am never coming back.
Currently, I guess I do like what I do for a job on a daily basis. And I have even learned how to manage my boss!
If you didn't yet respond to Skuh's post, do you like your job?
Friday, July 18, 2008
Clint Eastwood is as much a part of our family as my out-law aunt
"Family" as a topic was not always peaking my interest. For young Fermi, life was family with a side of school. And at that time I was interested in relationships. I was afraid of divorce. I needed to know how to have a good relationship and not get divorced. Looking back now, I'm not sure where my divorce obsession came from other than the fact that I found it hard to trust people in general add my interest in relationships and you get divorce, betrayal, and cheating spouses.
Some time later, I am married to an incredible man who is my one, and when I think of the future it is of us with toddlers and then as old grandparents, and I think: He will most probably die first. Fuck.
Now my interest lies in family, specifically of the sort that you do not choose: Mothers, Fathers, Aunts, Uncles, Sisters, Brothers, Cousins, and Grandparents. Families and extended families interest me now because they are so different. Generally I see individual human beings as mostly being the same, but (biological) Families are a situation where there is a small pool of DNA that the individuals share. With this come tendencies, and tendencies can be influenced by environment so that you as an individual are "different" with your family (than with a group of randomly selected people) because their predispositions to certain behaviors tend to highlight and enhance those same inclinations in yourself.
---
I mention this because tomorrow is the memorial service for my dead grandmother. I am going to see Aunts and Uncles and Cousins that I haven't seen in 8 years. I don't think I saw my (now dead) grandmother in the past eight years either. This side of my family is an anti-social bunch. I type that with a smile because even though I am looking forward to seeing these people, it seems perfectly normal for me to not see them very often.
This is the first time that my husband will be meeting most of them. Surprises are not my favorite things, so I tried to warn him about what it will be like. In this family we call the people who are married to the siblings, "the out-laws." And this is a perfectly accepted and embraced term. Looking back now, I believe the term origin came from the mix of "in-laws" with our usual activity of watching old Clint Eastwood films together. Do you feel lucky, punk?
One of the out-laws doesn't shave her legs, smokes, is a bit overweight, and is somewhat loud and abrasive. I like her alot, but I still cannot get over the fact that she doesn't shave her legs.
Some time later, I am married to an incredible man who is my one, and when I think of the future it is of us with toddlers and then as old grandparents, and I think: He will most probably die first. Fuck.
Now my interest lies in family, specifically of the sort that you do not choose: Mothers, Fathers, Aunts, Uncles, Sisters, Brothers, Cousins, and Grandparents. Families and extended families interest me now because they are so different. Generally I see individual human beings as mostly being the same, but (biological) Families are a situation where there is a small pool of DNA that the individuals share. With this come tendencies, and tendencies can be influenced by environment so that you as an individual are "different" with your family (than with a group of randomly selected people) because their predispositions to certain behaviors tend to highlight and enhance those same inclinations in yourself.
---
I mention this because tomorrow is the memorial service for my dead grandmother. I am going to see Aunts and Uncles and Cousins that I haven't seen in 8 years. I don't think I saw my (now dead) grandmother in the past eight years either. This side of my family is an anti-social bunch. I type that with a smile because even though I am looking forward to seeing these people, it seems perfectly normal for me to not see them very often.
This is the first time that my husband will be meeting most of them. Surprises are not my favorite things, so I tried to warn him about what it will be like. In this family we call the people who are married to the siblings, "the out-laws." And this is a perfectly accepted and embraced term. Looking back now, I believe the term origin came from the mix of "in-laws" with our usual activity of watching old Clint Eastwood films together. Do you feel lucky, punk?
One of the out-laws doesn't shave her legs, smokes, is a bit overweight, and is somewhat loud and abrasive. I like her alot, but I still cannot get over the fact that she doesn't shave her legs.
Saturday, June 28, 2008
Sociological Images
I have gotten a HUGE amount of enjoyment from one particular blog: Sociological Images: Seeing Is Believing. I love their post called: How to Do Masculinity where after being enlightened by feminist commentary, you can find three videos: 1) How to Give a Man Hug, 2) How to Sit on a Bus, and 3) How the girls I date influence the types of boyfriends I have become-ish. I don't remember the title of the third video, can you tell? The Man Hug video wins first place, and the Girls I Date video wins second place. I don't even LIKE youtube videos, but this site has changed my mind.
One more video you should watch that I found on their site is embedded below. It is from their post: Alternative Ads. They show three videos, but I am giving you the best one: about greyhounds! Peaches, this one's for you!
Net 10 actually pisses me off if you watch all 3 ads on the Socio Images post because they act like people *even scientists* are too idiotic to call their cell phone company and tell the company what is up. Like this:
Fermi: Hello, AT&T, I need to make it so my phone is unable to receive or send text messages, and I would like to deactivate everything other than just basic calling.
AT&T: Are you sure you want to do this?
Fermi: Yes, I am sure.
AT&T: Okay, we will take care of that for you.
See how easy that was, Net 10? I bet even the non-scientists could do it!
One more video you should watch that I found on their site is embedded below. It is from their post: Alternative Ads. They show three videos, but I am giving you the best one: about greyhounds! Peaches, this one's for you!
Net 10 actually pisses me off if you watch all 3 ads on the Socio Images post because they act like people *even scientists* are too idiotic to call their cell phone company and tell the company what is up. Like this:
Fermi: Hello, AT&T, I need to make it so my phone is unable to receive or send text messages, and I would like to deactivate everything other than just basic calling.
AT&T: Are you sure you want to do this?
Fermi: Yes, I am sure.
AT&T: Okay, we will take care of that for you.
See how easy that was, Net 10? I bet even the non-scientists could do it!
Friday, June 27, 2008
Stage Right: Fermi starts typing
Five pm Friday at work. The place is pretty quiet. I decided this morning to stay until seven today because I need to get some work done. But now it is five and I am hitting my slump after being super efficient all day. It must be time to blog!
I have the list to get to, but there are some other things I wanted to write about first. Look at this. It is a blog post on Bitch PhD about pregnant women with substance abuse problems who are open to having talk therapy after their prenatal care. This is incredibly interesting to me, because (a) I am concerned about having a healthy child (in 5 years,) (b) I am interested in substance abuse in general (c) I am interested in "the placebo effect," and (d) I am interested in the benefits of talk therapy. The study was not done scientifically, but that doesn't bother me at this point because the placebo effect is all about positive thinking and interpersonal support both of which you *should* get at talk therapy sessions. A book I was reading awhile back about the possible natural evolution of religion got into the topic of the placebo effect. Basically it said that our bodies have some natural (biological) power to overcome some major obstacles when necessary. But that this power takes a substantial amount of energy and we may have evolved so that it isn't energetically favorable to summon this power unless we are in a situation where long-term survival is ensured. This situation may be when we have wholesome nurturing people caring about us. Some people have family, friends, and church members filling this role, and some people get this impression (that their therapist cares about them) from going to talk therapy. The interesting part is that the nurtured feeling you get from therapy is simulated. The therapist actually is getting paid to nurture you. But often, if you can "buy into" the therapy, the same placebo effect takes place.
What else? Skuh mentioned that she saw on my map that I had been to Iowa. I think this must be a miscommunication or I don't know my state shapes. Regardless, Skuh, I hope you have a good time on your visitation weekend. What are your grad school goals, specifically? How much will it cost? Are there any teaching fellowships you can get where you help out with some undergrad classes?
What else? Novella is touring the US and she will be stopping by where I live. How exciting is that!?
And now, I will make an attempt at THE LIST. Most of it is now *old news* in my mind because it happened last week, so this may be briefer than I originally intended.
1. Zazu Pimple
Do you remember Zazu? Or the conversation with Zazu about chocolate? Right, well it seems that Zazu just lends himself to incredible dialogue. Proceed:
Setting: Fermi and MATURE-female-undergraduate-Celery sitting at two computers in the main lab, working.
The lab door opens, Zazu enters,
Zazu (demanding): Do you have a mirror!?!?
Fermi: No.
Zazu (uncertain, finger pressing cheekbone next to temple where there is an obvious pink-under-the-skin-blemish): I think I have something on my face! Do you see anything?
Fermi (recognises what it is, but as she is uncomfortable even uttering the word "pimple" chooses to entertain a different option with her response.): Yeah, (pausing) It looks like something may have bit you.
Zazu (pressing on the blemish): It hurts when I press on it! Do you see anything, Celery?
Celery (looks, and replies matter-of-factly): Yes, it looks like you have a pimple.
Zazu (SHOCKED, UTTER DISBELIEF): But I thought you can only get pimples on your forehead!
Celery: No, you can get pimples anywhere, even on your shoulder. When you go home today, wash your face and put some acne cream on it.
Zazu: Okay.
If you didn't click over to see who Zazu is, he is in the summer between his first and second year of COLLEGE. He has previously lived under a rock. Also note: Celery's age = Zazu's age.
I am also taking the liberty to get rid of 4. Parents Visiting, because I feel that I addressed that sufficiently in my post: Oil Truth.
I feel ready to work again. That or Work-Out! Yes, I believe the second one is the key, my legs simply cannot handle sitting any longer...
------------------------------
2. Boss Anger Group Meeting Communication
3. Maru, Katu, and Arum Rae (also Jed, THE FAN)
5. Experiments working
6. Black boys catcalls
7. Harlem Shakes Vampire Weekend vs Bonaroo Music Festival
8. Magazine Obsession
9. Cake Therapy
14. Penelope Trunk's writing
15. Things that make me happy
16. Feeling happy vs Feeling Powerful vs Feeling Superior
17. Jips comes home
18. Flowers and Presents
I have the list to get to, but there are some other things I wanted to write about first. Look at this. It is a blog post on Bitch PhD about pregnant women with substance abuse problems who are open to having talk therapy after their prenatal care. This is incredibly interesting to me, because (a) I am concerned about having a healthy child (in 5 years,) (b) I am interested in substance abuse in general (c) I am interested in "the placebo effect," and (d) I am interested in the benefits of talk therapy. The study was not done scientifically, but that doesn't bother me at this point because the placebo effect is all about positive thinking and interpersonal support both of which you *should* get at talk therapy sessions. A book I was reading awhile back about the possible natural evolution of religion got into the topic of the placebo effect. Basically it said that our bodies have some natural (biological) power to overcome some major obstacles when necessary. But that this power takes a substantial amount of energy and we may have evolved so that it isn't energetically favorable to summon this power unless we are in a situation where long-term survival is ensured. This situation may be when we have wholesome nurturing people caring about us. Some people have family, friends, and church members filling this role, and some people get this impression (that their therapist cares about them) from going to talk therapy. The interesting part is that the nurtured feeling you get from therapy is simulated. The therapist actually is getting paid to nurture you. But often, if you can "buy into" the therapy, the same placebo effect takes place.
What else? Skuh mentioned that she saw on my map that I had been to Iowa. I think this must be a miscommunication or I don't know my state shapes. Regardless, Skuh, I hope you have a good time on your visitation weekend. What are your grad school goals, specifically? How much will it cost? Are there any teaching fellowships you can get where you help out with some undergrad classes?
What else? Novella is touring the US and she will be stopping by where I live. How exciting is that!?
And now, I will make an attempt at THE LIST. Most of it is now *old news* in my mind because it happened last week, so this may be briefer than I originally intended.
1. Zazu Pimple
Do you remember Zazu? Or the conversation with Zazu about chocolate? Right, well it seems that Zazu just lends himself to incredible dialogue. Proceed:
Setting: Fermi and MATURE-female-undergraduate-Celery sitting at two computers in the main lab, working.
The lab door opens, Zazu enters,
Zazu (demanding): Do you have a mirror!?!?
Fermi: No.
Zazu (uncertain, finger pressing cheekbone next to temple where there is an obvious pink-under-the-skin-blemish): I think I have something on my face! Do you see anything?
Fermi (recognises what it is, but as she is uncomfortable even uttering the word "pimple" chooses to entertain a different option with her response.): Yeah, (pausing) It looks like something may have bit you.
Zazu (pressing on the blemish): It hurts when I press on it! Do you see anything, Celery?
Celery (looks, and replies matter-of-factly): Yes, it looks like you have a pimple.
Zazu (SHOCKED, UTTER DISBELIEF): But I thought you can only get pimples on your forehead!
Celery: No, you can get pimples anywhere, even on your shoulder. When you go home today, wash your face and put some acne cream on it.
Zazu: Okay.
If you didn't click over to see who Zazu is, he is in the summer between his first and second year of COLLEGE. He has previously lived under a rock. Also note: Celery's age = Zazu's age.
I am also taking the liberty to get rid of 4. Parents Visiting, because I feel that I addressed that sufficiently in my post: Oil Truth.
I feel ready to work again. That or Work-Out! Yes, I believe the second one is the key, my legs simply cannot handle sitting any longer...
------------------------------
2. Boss Anger Group Meeting Communication
3. Maru, Katu, and Arum Rae (also Jed, THE FAN)
5. Experiments working
6. Black boys catcalls
7. Harlem Shakes Vampire Weekend vs Bonaroo Music Festival
8. Magazine Obsession
9. Cake Therapy
14. Penelope Trunk's writing
15. Things that make me happy
16. Feeling happy vs Feeling Powerful vs Feeling Superior
17. Jips comes home
18. Flowers and Presents
Monday, May 26, 2008
Diversity of Thought
At the end of our second year of graduate school, we begin to see who is going to make it (get a PhD) and who is going to leave with a masters. My program is not like all programs in all fields. You enter either with a bachelors or a masters degree and you basically have the same coursework and qualifiers either way. Some of my colleagues who started with a masters degree had an easy time with coursework (because they had seen so much of it before.) But many of us came in with only a BS set on a 4 to 5 year plan to get a PhD, or at least we said that so we could get financial support. (Masters students coming in must pay their own way, while PhD students are fully supported.)
The interesting thing is that all of the black girls (except one) in my entering class are leaving with masters. (Black people : Entering class my year, 6:50) And the one token black boy in the first year class is going to leave with a masters as well. (Black people : Entering class 1st years, 1:45)
The one black girl in my year who is still in the game is a year behind because she didn't pass the literature exams the first time. They all were a year behind because of lit exams, but only one has decided to stick with it.
As for token black boy, he made a C in his boss's class this semester. I think he made alot of other Cs in his classes as well so he doesn't have many options. (A,B = okay, C = fail)
And token black boy's boss is the token black male professor.
So what is going on here? I asked my boss about this, and about the statistics in general, and he said that African Americans usually have lower GRE scores than their peers because the GRE is racist. I believe that. It is easy to see that the GRE could reference some upper-class-white things (like going to see Cats or Phantom on Broadway) that is not as popular in the black culture. But this cannot be the whole story. I know some white people who had low GRE scores and are not smart at all, but they are doing okay because they work their asses off. Their lab-mates are pissed at them because they spend zero time in the lab because they are always working on classwork or lit exams but they know they need to pass this shit.
Here are the facts:
1. Black people are just as smart as white people. Sure, there is a continuum in all people, but the race is not a factor in determining if you are going to be smart or not.
2. Most black people drop out of my PhD program, even when they have black same-sex advisers.
So what the fuck is going on?
My Idea:
Obviously it is sociological. Most white protestants in this country come from the "work hard" puritanical mind set. This goes for the blue collars who start their own car mechanic shops and the countless business people. We as Americans are work-a-holics. Immigrating to America was hard, and a great number of people died. Hard-working people had an advantage, and they survived.
Now, Black people. There are two types: The descendants of slaves, and the recently immigrated. Slavery was a horrible thing. To give an intelligent being zero power over his or her fate is (under most circumstances) emotionally crushing. Slavery is not natural, it is brutal in all forms. If you are a kind white person who has one black slave nanny to take care of your children, you are still participating in a horribly brutal act. I had never experienced such an imbalance of power before I came to graduate school, and previously I was unable to begin to understand how horrible slavery is. I know that slavery is ten thousand times worse than graduate school.
Let us examine this situation. You are a slave on a plantation. If you work extra hard you get a backache and you still have to work the next day. If you work just enough to not get noticed, you have more time to have sex with your wife and you live longer. In slavery, working hard is not advantageous to your situation, but working just enough is. These people survived.
After the abolishment of slavery, the descendants of slaves were/are still treated like second class citizens by white people. Black people learn through experience that maybe they shouldn't trust white people, or maybe it is just that they feel more comfortable with other black people.
Fast forward to graduate school. All of the black girls that are leaving ONLY TALK TO OTHER BLACK GIRLS. And one of them sat on her phone sending text messages during the entirety of a course. Sure, it was boring as hell, and sometimes I graded a few lab reports, but text messaging? I saw a sign up on a black woman's office that said "Attitude is EVERYTHING." And I think that statement is esteemed in the black community, because if the white man is getting you down you still have your 'tude. But having an attitude is not going to help you pass an exam that you just didn't study for.
I think the problem is that post-slavery American blacks have a mix of a social thing and they lack the "you must work extra hard to be worth anything" when they were growing up. Now, the idea that you must work extra hard to be worth anything is not healthy, but it might get you a PhD.
Earlier I mentioned the distinction between recently immigrated black people who were not the descendants of slaves. All of these immigrants were extremely hard workers and totally lacked the social constructs prevalent in black America.
Black American's are less susceptible to the body-image issues that white girls struggle with. But maybe that same society makes it easier for white people to be aggressive and deny themselves in order to get what they want.
The interesting thing is that all of the black girls (except one) in my entering class are leaving with masters. (Black people : Entering class my year, 6:50) And the one token black boy in the first year class is going to leave with a masters as well. (Black people : Entering class 1st years, 1:45)
The one black girl in my year who is still in the game is a year behind because she didn't pass the literature exams the first time. They all were a year behind because of lit exams, but only one has decided to stick with it.
As for token black boy, he made a C in his boss's class this semester. I think he made alot of other Cs in his classes as well so he doesn't have many options. (A,B = okay, C = fail)
And token black boy's boss is the token black male professor.
So what is going on here? I asked my boss about this, and about the statistics in general, and he said that African Americans usually have lower GRE scores than their peers because the GRE is racist. I believe that. It is easy to see that the GRE could reference some upper-class-white things (like going to see Cats or Phantom on Broadway) that is not as popular in the black culture. But this cannot be the whole story. I know some white people who had low GRE scores and are not smart at all, but they are doing okay because they work their asses off. Their lab-mates are pissed at them because they spend zero time in the lab because they are always working on classwork or lit exams but they know they need to pass this shit.
Here are the facts:
1. Black people are just as smart as white people. Sure, there is a continuum in all people, but the race is not a factor in determining if you are going to be smart or not.
2. Most black people drop out of my PhD program, even when they have black same-sex advisers.
So what the fuck is going on?
My Idea:
Obviously it is sociological. Most white protestants in this country come from the "work hard" puritanical mind set. This goes for the blue collars who start their own car mechanic shops and the countless business people. We as Americans are work-a-holics. Immigrating to America was hard, and a great number of people died. Hard-working people had an advantage, and they survived.
Now, Black people. There are two types: The descendants of slaves, and the recently immigrated. Slavery was a horrible thing. To give an intelligent being zero power over his or her fate is (under most circumstances) emotionally crushing. Slavery is not natural, it is brutal in all forms. If you are a kind white person who has one black slave nanny to take care of your children, you are still participating in a horribly brutal act. I had never experienced such an imbalance of power before I came to graduate school, and previously I was unable to begin to understand how horrible slavery is. I know that slavery is ten thousand times worse than graduate school.
Let us examine this situation. You are a slave on a plantation. If you work extra hard you get a backache and you still have to work the next day. If you work just enough to not get noticed, you have more time to have sex with your wife and you live longer. In slavery, working hard is not advantageous to your situation, but working just enough is. These people survived.
After the abolishment of slavery, the descendants of slaves were/are still treated like second class citizens by white people. Black people learn through experience that maybe they shouldn't trust white people, or maybe it is just that they feel more comfortable with other black people.
Fast forward to graduate school. All of the black girls that are leaving ONLY TALK TO OTHER BLACK GIRLS. And one of them sat on her phone sending text messages during the entirety of a course. Sure, it was boring as hell, and sometimes I graded a few lab reports, but text messaging? I saw a sign up on a black woman's office that said "Attitude is EVERYTHING." And I think that statement is esteemed in the black community, because if the white man is getting you down you still have your 'tude. But having an attitude is not going to help you pass an exam that you just didn't study for.
I think the problem is that post-slavery American blacks have a mix of a social thing and they lack the "you must work extra hard to be worth anything" when they were growing up. Now, the idea that you must work extra hard to be worth anything is not healthy, but it might get you a PhD.
Earlier I mentioned the distinction between recently immigrated black people who were not the descendants of slaves. All of these immigrants were extremely hard workers and totally lacked the social constructs prevalent in black America.
Black American's are less susceptible to the body-image issues that white girls struggle with. But maybe that same society makes it easier for white people to be aggressive and deny themselves in order to get what they want.
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
PhD granted by Heaven's Gate University
In Yes Masta, Youse a Good Masta, I compare graduate school to slavery. But of course, there are other opinions. One of them is that graduate school is a cult. The main difference in cult vs. slavery is that when you are in a cult, you buy into what your superiors tell you, but in slavery you know that your situation is filled with injustice. You know your situation sucks.
If you read the article about G-skoo being a cult, you will see that it is about the humanities not science. Maybe the fact that I think graduate school is like slavery is because in science we are trained to question and test all assumptions. If you spend all of your time questioning the physical world, it seems natural to question your current situation. When you do start thinking for yourself you become aware of the injustice.
Still, there are cult-like aspects. Remember Sexy Pablo who is leaving with a masters? He is super paranoid that the rest of us will find out. Jips says: "If someone wants to leave with a masters I think they should. Graduate school sucks." But Jips and I are free-thinkers. The problem (for graduate students) is that the graduate students and professors in our department are OUR WHOLE LIFE. So that "leaving" is a major thing. You drift away from the rest of us if you leave. And you might be looked down upon by people who are unhappy and insecure and sacrificing to be here. The worst thing is that other graduate students might talk about you. The truth is that gossiping is our only source of power.
Remember Shawshank? We don't hang out with him anymore. Jips has judged Honey G to be a better investment of his time, and he is right. Honey G is a better person, closer to our age, and more like Jips and me. But this abrupt abandonment of Shawshank makes me feel slightly awkward. One of the biggest problems with Shawshank is that he totally buys into The Academy. He will give undeserving people A's because he is afraid of what the Department Co-Chair will say to him. He is also totally brainwashed into thinking that our school is the best even though he hasn't been anywhere else. He even went so far as to say bad things about my alma mater. That was too much. So Shawshank is banished. I feel better now that I have blogged about it.
Honey G and his girlfriend came over last night. She had a job interview and they were going to make her an offer today. Anyway, two nights ago Honey G was over and he wanted to come to the tennis courts to play fetch with dog 2. So we went, and things were going fine until Honey G decided to hurdle the tennis court net! Dog 2 is very accustomed to the tennis courts but he has never seen anyone hurdle the net. So when Honey G did it in Dog 2's direction, Dog 2 freaked out! He ran away and whimpered. I think that was the first time I ever heard him whimper.
My latest obsession is baking cakes.
I just thought I would put that out there.
BONUS LINK: Stuff White People Like At The Wedding!
enjoy.
If you read the article about G-skoo being a cult, you will see that it is about the humanities not science. Maybe the fact that I think graduate school is like slavery is because in science we are trained to question and test all assumptions. If you spend all of your time questioning the physical world, it seems natural to question your current situation. When you do start thinking for yourself you become aware of the injustice.
Still, there are cult-like aspects. Remember Sexy Pablo who is leaving with a masters? He is super paranoid that the rest of us will find out. Jips says: "If someone wants to leave with a masters I think they should. Graduate school sucks." But Jips and I are free-thinkers. The problem (for graduate students) is that the graduate students and professors in our department are OUR WHOLE LIFE. So that "leaving" is a major thing. You drift away from the rest of us if you leave. And you might be looked down upon by people who are unhappy and insecure and sacrificing to be here. The worst thing is that other graduate students might talk about you. The truth is that gossiping is our only source of power.
Remember Shawshank? We don't hang out with him anymore. Jips has judged Honey G to be a better investment of his time, and he is right. Honey G is a better person, closer to our age, and more like Jips and me. But this abrupt abandonment of Shawshank makes me feel slightly awkward. One of the biggest problems with Shawshank is that he totally buys into The Academy. He will give undeserving people A's because he is afraid of what the Department Co-Chair will say to him. He is also totally brainwashed into thinking that our school is the best even though he hasn't been anywhere else. He even went so far as to say bad things about my alma mater. That was too much. So Shawshank is banished. I feel better now that I have blogged about it.
Honey G and his girlfriend came over last night. She had a job interview and they were going to make her an offer today. Anyway, two nights ago Honey G was over and he wanted to come to the tennis courts to play fetch with dog 2. So we went, and things were going fine until Honey G decided to hurdle the tennis court net! Dog 2 is very accustomed to the tennis courts but he has never seen anyone hurdle the net. So when Honey G did it in Dog 2's direction, Dog 2 freaked out! He ran away and whimpered. I think that was the first time I ever heard him whimper.
My latest obsession is baking cakes.
I just thought I would put that out there.
BONUS LINK: Stuff White People Like At The Wedding!
enjoy.
Saturday, April 26, 2008
Goal 1: Relaxation
Sybil Vane is a new contributor at Bitch PhD. Bitch was smart to add her. Sybil is very good and young which I like. Her most recent post is about collectives and feminism and the lack of identification with the feminist movement. I spent the majority of my morning so far reading the comments to the post and visiting the commenter's blogs. I happened upon some blogs by women science professors. Those blogs linked to other blogs by women in science. I really tried to explore the blogs but found them VERY uninteresting. I know I am making the right choice to NOT go into academia.
Now I am inclined to re-evaluate my life strategy at 3 different stages of my life:
(1) Before Oral Exam: Run away from everything unpleasant.
(2) Oral Exam/G-skoo in general: Jump though the hoops and face the problems: act like a tiger.
(3) After passing all qualifiers: Run away! Run away!
Once I accomplish Goal 1: Relaxation, my next major goal will be to meet with my boss and discuss my path to graduation. This will be a 2 to 3 year path but I want to have it mapped out specifically so that I can see my progress. Meeting with my boss is something that will stress me out so I will probably meet with Red-Haired-Ashely for some advice on how to do this. She is at the end of her 4th year and has recently established a wonderful working relationship with her boss via very productive meetings about progress. *vomit* My excellent grip on reality makes it very clear that my boss (in his present and probably eternal state of being) is unable to have wonderful relationships of any sort. This being said, I hope that meeting with my boss will ensure prompt graduation, although my hopes do not extend to the development of any sort of relationship.
Onto Goal 1: Relaxation. This is hard for me, but clearly a necessity. To accomplish Relaxation, heh, I plan to blog, (check), lay out by the pool, (to which Jips said: That doesn't sound like Fermi!), and hang out with dogs.
I hung out with dogs a bit this morning. They are in the usual spring shedding process. I was scratching the rump of Dog 2, and hairs flew out into the air. It was so visible in the sunlight I was reminded of the Peanuts character who always had a cloud of dust around him. Was it Linus? I sat on the floor to pet the dogs because Dog 1 is having inflamed back disks again. The vet said we might have to have surgery if it happens again in 3 months, because Dog 1 is so young (5 yrs) and this has already happened twice. So Dog 1 is on steroids which cause him to pee and poop in the house even more than usual. And Dog 2 has been vomiting and farting TONS and TONS so our living/dining/kitchen room now is 90% urine smelling and 10% Dog 2 specialty-fart smelling. I sat on the floor because Dog 1 is not supposed to jump on the furniture with his back being bad, but he still does as often as he likes.
All of this: the dog hair, urine, and farting, compels me to clean the house. But that is in direct opposition to Goal 1: Relaxation. Fuck.
The same guy on the plane (mentioned in the last post) said to me: "You're Type A, aren't you?" I said, "I can see how I could be perceived in that way." While in my mind I thought: Who the hell are you to say I am Type A, you don't even know me, or anything about me! So I told my therapist about the previous conversation and she laughed and said I was Type A Plus. Extreme Type A. Both the therapist's confirmation and the plane guy got me thinking about how my graduate program is essentially a cult of Type A personality. There is a great deal of value-judgment based on how much and how hard you work. There are non-type A's, but these people (example: Chip) focus almost all of their energy on trying to appear to be working all of the time. The sad thing is that I felt the best about myself when I was prepping for my oral exam and at work all of the time. I really felt superior then. Which is fucked up because people who work all the time are not superior, they are just work-a-holics. And why do I care about being superior anyway? I just need to focus on being me.
It is scary how easily I can revert back to my factory settings. I was raised with the question: What did you DO today? which implied that the more accomplished = a better day. I went to alot of therapy in High School to change my focus to balance and peace. And now, I find myself in the position where I am surrounded by a small group of people whose default settings are like my own. And it was SO EASY to slip back into them. It is scary how easy it was.
This week I found myself in tears, because I lost who I was, and I lost who Jips and I were together. I was only my work. I am ready to be a stay-at-home mom TODAY. maybe that thought is inspiring my Goal 2: Meet with my Boss to insure a prompt graduation.
So the path back to Fermi starts through Goal 1: Relaxation. Even if I have to drag myself kicking and screaming to get there.
Now I am inclined to re-evaluate my life strategy at 3 different stages of my life:
(1) Before Oral Exam: Run away from everything unpleasant.
(2) Oral Exam/G-skoo in general: Jump though the hoops and face the problems: act like a tiger.
(3) After passing all qualifiers: Run away! Run away!
Once I accomplish Goal 1: Relaxation, my next major goal will be to meet with my boss and discuss my path to graduation. This will be a 2 to 3 year path but I want to have it mapped out specifically so that I can see my progress. Meeting with my boss is something that will stress me out so I will probably meet with Red-Haired-Ashely for some advice on how to do this. She is at the end of her 4th year and has recently established a wonderful working relationship with her boss via very productive meetings about progress. *vomit* My excellent grip on reality makes it very clear that my boss (in his present and probably eternal state of being) is unable to have wonderful relationships of any sort. This being said, I hope that meeting with my boss will ensure prompt graduation, although my hopes do not extend to the development of any sort of relationship.
Onto Goal 1: Relaxation. This is hard for me, but clearly a necessity. To accomplish Relaxation, heh, I plan to blog, (check), lay out by the pool, (to which Jips said: That doesn't sound like Fermi!), and hang out with dogs.
I hung out with dogs a bit this morning. They are in the usual spring shedding process. I was scratching the rump of Dog 2, and hairs flew out into the air. It was so visible in the sunlight I was reminded of the Peanuts character who always had a cloud of dust around him. Was it Linus? I sat on the floor to pet the dogs because Dog 1 is having inflamed back disks again. The vet said we might have to have surgery if it happens again in 3 months, because Dog 1 is so young (5 yrs) and this has already happened twice. So Dog 1 is on steroids which cause him to pee and poop in the house even more than usual. And Dog 2 has been vomiting and farting TONS and TONS so our living/dining/kitchen room now is 90% urine smelling and 10% Dog 2 specialty-fart smelling. I sat on the floor because Dog 1 is not supposed to jump on the furniture with his back being bad, but he still does as often as he likes.
All of this: the dog hair, urine, and farting, compels me to clean the house. But that is in direct opposition to Goal 1: Relaxation. Fuck.
The same guy on the plane (mentioned in the last post) said to me: "You're Type A, aren't you?" I said, "I can see how I could be perceived in that way." While in my mind I thought: Who the hell are you to say I am Type A, you don't even know me, or anything about me! So I told my therapist about the previous conversation and she laughed and said I was Type A Plus. Extreme Type A. Both the therapist's confirmation and the plane guy got me thinking about how my graduate program is essentially a cult of Type A personality. There is a great deal of value-judgment based on how much and how hard you work. There are non-type A's, but these people (example: Chip) focus almost all of their energy on trying to appear to be working all of the time. The sad thing is that I felt the best about myself when I was prepping for my oral exam and at work all of the time. I really felt superior then. Which is fucked up because people who work all the time are not superior, they are just work-a-holics. And why do I care about being superior anyway? I just need to focus on being me.
It is scary how easily I can revert back to my factory settings. I was raised with the question: What did you DO today? which implied that the more accomplished = a better day. I went to alot of therapy in High School to change my focus to balance and peace. And now, I find myself in the position where I am surrounded by a small group of people whose default settings are like my own. And it was SO EASY to slip back into them. It is scary how easy it was.
This week I found myself in tears, because I lost who I was, and I lost who Jips and I were together. I was only my work. I am ready to be a stay-at-home mom TODAY. maybe that thought is inspiring my Goal 2: Meet with my Boss to insure a prompt graduation.
So the path back to Fermi starts through Goal 1: Relaxation. Even if I have to drag myself kicking and screaming to get there.
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
endearing when you're young
Traveling back home, my mom and I sat next to a stranger on the plane.
He asked me: "What motivates you? What drives you? What causes you to get up in the morning and go to work?"
I didn't know. I still don't know.
I am still burnt out from my Oral Exam. I go to work and fiddle around the lab. I am even fixing our water purification system, but my heart isn't in it. At the end of the day I cannot wait to leave. I daydream about reading philosophy and history and behavioral psychology. I daydream about blogging.
I have been thinking about intimacy lately. Novella mentioned that singing is intimate. I started to explore in my mind other intimate but non-sexual things. When I used to babysit I was always amazed at how ready for intimacy the kids are. They would just curl up in my lap ready for a story to be read to them. So lap-sitting and story-reading can be intimate things, although I can imagine situations where they are not so intimate.
So what does it take for something to be intimate? Is it any less intimate when a rock star sings than when I sing? I think so. The rock star has already whored himself out to the world. Maybe doing something for money removes the intimate element.
Looking at someones music collection can be intimate. It can show you pieces of the person that you did not know existed. Maybe intimacy is about knowing and allowing yourself to be known without any ulterior motives. Is intimacy about feeling?
And finally, some nice quotes:
Being a fuck-up with a good heart is endearing when you're young; if you've not changed by the time you hit your late twenties, well, you're probably just pretty much a fuck-up, and eventually, you become annoying.
-Mark Richardson in a review of The Replacements
Sure, religion saves lives. So does tobacco -- ask those GIs for whom tobacco was an even greater comfort than religion during World War II, the Korean War, and Vietnam.
-Daniel C. Dennett in Breaking the Spell
He asked me: "What motivates you? What drives you? What causes you to get up in the morning and go to work?"
I didn't know. I still don't know.
I am still burnt out from my Oral Exam. I go to work and fiddle around the lab. I am even fixing our water purification system, but my heart isn't in it. At the end of the day I cannot wait to leave. I daydream about reading philosophy and history and behavioral psychology. I daydream about blogging.
I have been thinking about intimacy lately. Novella mentioned that singing is intimate. I started to explore in my mind other intimate but non-sexual things. When I used to babysit I was always amazed at how ready for intimacy the kids are. They would just curl up in my lap ready for a story to be read to them. So lap-sitting and story-reading can be intimate things, although I can imagine situations where they are not so intimate.
So what does it take for something to be intimate? Is it any less intimate when a rock star sings than when I sing? I think so. The rock star has already whored himself out to the world. Maybe doing something for money removes the intimate element.
Looking at someones music collection can be intimate. It can show you pieces of the person that you did not know existed. Maybe intimacy is about knowing and allowing yourself to be known without any ulterior motives. Is intimacy about feeling?
And finally, some nice quotes:
Being a fuck-up with a good heart is endearing when you're young; if you've not changed by the time you hit your late twenties, well, you're probably just pretty much a fuck-up, and eventually, you become annoying.
-Mark Richardson in a review of The Replacements
Sure, religion saves lives. So does tobacco -- ask those GIs for whom tobacco was an even greater comfort than religion during World War II, the Korean War, and Vietnam.
-Daniel C. Dennett in Breaking the Spell
Saturday, March 15, 2008
this I know ... for the Bible tells me so
Can you see this dead baby bird? He is really small. (You can tell because of the size of the blades of grass.) I found him on a dog walk because Dog 2 pooped right next to him! I think dead birds are really neat because you can finally see them up close. I just thought I would share.
Jips and I saw Horton Hears a Who last weekend. It was very well done, I recommend that everyone go to see it.
The main message of the film was this: If you believe in something you should say what you believe and stick to it. When the situation arises where Authority and/or The Masses give you the choice of
(a) sticking to your belief and facing persecution
or
(b) denying your belief
you should choose (a). I found this message to be very disturbing. I know that the message has the best of intentions but I believe that there are cases where you should take choice (b) and deny your belief. The film's message is too black and white, and in real life, gray will get you further.
Example 1.0 : Let's assume you believe your boss is an immoral idiot, but the boss likes you. It is smarter to not tell anyone what you really think of your boss.
Maybe that isn't the exact same type of case.
Example 2.0: Let's say you are a young girl in Bible school. You believe that Jesus is a hoax. The teacher wants everyone to sing Jesus Loves Me. You could (a) throw a fit, cry, etc. refuse to sing because Jesus is fake and the Bible school teacher is trying to trick everyone, or you could (b) sing the song.
In my experience, singing Jesus Loves Me went against what was in my heart, but it would have been a smarter political move than crying and telling my Bible school teacher that I hated her because she was trying to trick me into believing in Jesus.
So how should we choose our battles as adults? How many things can we lie to Authority about before we start to become the person we are pretending to be? Is this the start of a double life? Or is it just what normal people do all the time?
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
did the word "penis" make the list?
Tino: GREAT post. I will respond to it in depth later.
I bet the answer to the Harry met Sally question is this:
It depends on the people involved.
Of course, this answer is no fun, but let's think of it this way:
Make two lists, one for the qualities you want in a best friend, the other for qualities you want in your ideal romantic partner. Now, the degree of correlation between the two lists determines the probability of you thinking of a friend as a potential sex partner.
Back to the original question:
Can two singles of opposite sex be "friends" in the way that neither of them ever think of the other as a potential sex partner? The answer is yes if the friend list and partner list have no correlation. And the answer is yes if they are both in denial about wanting to fuck each other.
Of course people can choose not to act on feelings. But I don't think that is what this question is really about.
I bet the answer to the Harry met Sally question is this:
It depends on the people involved.
Of course, this answer is no fun, but let's think of it this way:
Make two lists, one for the qualities you want in a best friend, the other for qualities you want in your ideal romantic partner. Now, the degree of correlation between the two lists determines the probability of you thinking of a friend as a potential sex partner.
Back to the original question:
Can two singles of opposite sex be "friends" in the way that neither of them ever think of the other as a potential sex partner? The answer is yes if the friend list and partner list have no correlation. And the answer is yes if they are both in denial about wanting to fuck each other.
Of course people can choose not to act on feelings. But I don't think that is what this question is really about.
I'd give him...a 5?
I love When Harry Met Sally so much. And this is a fascinating topic.
I think maybe relationships are like a continuum. Like different degrees of closeness to a person. If we're talking about romantic possibilities, then "stranger" would be zero and "spouse" would be ten, in terms of closeness.
So does sex "get in the way?" Well, if you have it with someone, you'd certainly skip a few numbers. If you don't, then your "closeness" to that person can still be somewhere on the continuum.
I think one question is: can we (single people) handle the idea that we're attracted to someone (another single) and still be his/her friend? I think yes, if s/he is worth being friends with and your friendship functions. Then if both parties want to take it up a few notches to a sexual/romantic relationship, then it runs its course there and you either break up or end up staying together. And if one party doesn’t want to take it to a sexual level, then it keeps going at the level that it is. If the “I’m in love with you” partner can’t handle a platonic friendship, then you end up broken up like you would after a failed romantic relationship. (I think friendships have “break ups” pretty often. I’ve had a few with some girls.)
Can we handle knowing that someone is attracted to us and still be friends if we don’t like them “that way”? Yes, if we aren't sending mixed signals. Anyone who is reading more into “friendship” than there is just requires a simple “this is what we are” conversation. (And shame on people who lead a person on to use his affections as an ego boost, on a side note.)
Can we handle the idea that someone we are attracted to doesn't like us back "that way," but we are still friends? If your ego can handle that, then why not be friends?
I guess my thesis is that hetero men and women who are both single CAN be friends with each other. Sure, there are some complications as with any relationship (platonic, romantic, family, etc.), but those complications only extend as far as how much people’s egos are wrapped up in what other people think of them.
If, for instance, you can’t handle the idea that someone would want to be friends with you but not want to sleep with you, then you might be setting yourself up for some difficulties in friendships with the opposite sex, since there are surely to be people in the world who like you but don’t want to get it on with you.
Similarly, if you are friends with someone who appreciates your friendship and ALSO wants to sleep with you even though you don’t want to sleep with him, then somebody’s going to just have to be disappointed in that situation. And then he gets over it, and he can either take your friendship for what it is, or leave it.
On a slightly different but still related topic:
It all comes down to acceptance—acceptance of people how they are right now, at face value, in all of their current behaviors, and acceptance of yourself and your role in your relationships.
And then once you accept the way a relationship is, then you make the choice of whether you want to stay or leave (friendship or sig. other). Since there’s (unfortunately) no such thing as convincing someone to be in love with you, or to be out of love with you, for that matter. And there’s for damn sure no way to make someone be a better person for you to date.
Too many people want to try to fenagle the relationships they are already in instead of taking them or leaving them for what they are--probably because it is really scary and awkward to break up with someone and cut them out of your life. It just is. I've made this very long and drawn-out fenagling mistake myself.
Similarly, some people are scared to start relationships at all because they could potentially lead to a scary and painful break-up or (even scarier to some) a life spent in partnership with only that one person.
But one thing's for sure, "putting yourself out there" will, at some point, lead to an ego bruise of some kind. It's a risk no matter how interested the person is. I think, however, that it is totally worth it, and that life hands out ego bruises all the time that we have to accept and grow from (and simultaneously not allow to crush our entire self-images).
But yeah, single guys and girls can be friends, I think. If both parties want to take it to a sexual level, then they do, and it moves into a relationship status that either runs its course smoothly or ends in firey tragedy. But if one party doesn't want it to be sexual, then it won't be, and both can be accepting of that and continue to be friends.
Now, fuck buddies, or "friends with benefits"...there's a topic that's more shaky.
I think maybe relationships are like a continuum. Like different degrees of closeness to a person. If we're talking about romantic possibilities, then "stranger" would be zero and "spouse" would be ten, in terms of closeness.
So does sex "get in the way?" Well, if you have it with someone, you'd certainly skip a few numbers. If you don't, then your "closeness" to that person can still be somewhere on the continuum.
I think one question is: can we (single people) handle the idea that we're attracted to someone (another single) and still be his/her friend? I think yes, if s/he is worth being friends with and your friendship functions. Then if both parties want to take it up a few notches to a sexual/romantic relationship, then it runs its course there and you either break up or end up staying together. And if one party doesn’t want to take it to a sexual level, then it keeps going at the level that it is. If the “I’m in love with you” partner can’t handle a platonic friendship, then you end up broken up like you would after a failed romantic relationship. (I think friendships have “break ups” pretty often. I’ve had a few with some girls.)
Can we handle knowing that someone is attracted to us and still be friends if we don’t like them “that way”? Yes, if we aren't sending mixed signals. Anyone who is reading more into “friendship” than there is just requires a simple “this is what we are” conversation. (And shame on people who lead a person on to use his affections as an ego boost, on a side note.)
Can we handle the idea that someone we are attracted to doesn't like us back "that way," but we are still friends? If your ego can handle that, then why not be friends?
I guess my thesis is that hetero men and women who are both single CAN be friends with each other. Sure, there are some complications as with any relationship (platonic, romantic, family, etc.), but those complications only extend as far as how much people’s egos are wrapped up in what other people think of them.
If, for instance, you can’t handle the idea that someone would want to be friends with you but not want to sleep with you, then you might be setting yourself up for some difficulties in friendships with the opposite sex, since there are surely to be people in the world who like you but don’t want to get it on with you.
Similarly, if you are friends with someone who appreciates your friendship and ALSO wants to sleep with you even though you don’t want to sleep with him, then somebody’s going to just have to be disappointed in that situation. And then he gets over it, and he can either take your friendship for what it is, or leave it.
On a slightly different but still related topic:
It all comes down to acceptance—acceptance of people how they are right now, at face value, in all of their current behaviors, and acceptance of yourself and your role in your relationships.
And then once you accept the way a relationship is, then you make the choice of whether you want to stay or leave (friendship or sig. other). Since there’s (unfortunately) no such thing as convincing someone to be in love with you, or to be out of love with you, for that matter. And there’s for damn sure no way to make someone be a better person for you to date.
Too many people want to try to fenagle the relationships they are already in instead of taking them or leaving them for what they are--probably because it is really scary and awkward to break up with someone and cut them out of your life. It just is. I've made this very long and drawn-out fenagling mistake myself.
Similarly, some people are scared to start relationships at all because they could potentially lead to a scary and painful break-up or (even scarier to some) a life spent in partnership with only that one person.
But one thing's for sure, "putting yourself out there" will, at some point, lead to an ego bruise of some kind. It's a risk no matter how interested the person is. I think, however, that it is totally worth it, and that life hands out ego bruises all the time that we have to accept and grow from (and simultaneously not allow to crush our entire self-images).
But yeah, single guys and girls can be friends, I think. If both parties want to take it to a sexual level, then they do, and it moves into a relationship status that either runs its course smoothly or ends in firey tragedy. But if one party doesn't want it to be sexual, then it won't be, and both can be accepting of that and continue to be friends.
Now, fuck buddies, or "friends with benefits"...there's a topic that's more shaky.
A dead horse
I just moved into a new house and we don't get the internet set up for a few more days. In my absence yall have nearly exhausted the When Harry Met Sally topic, but regardless, here's my input...
I am what some people call a serial-dater. I have spent roughly 2 of the past 10 years as a single woman. This is not out of insecurity or a compulsion to constantly have a man in my life, but rather a series of unfortunate circumstances that I have only recently come to realize are no one's fault but my own. (This can be addressed at a later date.)
With that said, I understand that my perspective on things may be skewed because I have pretty much always been "taken", and in most of my experience, others have seen me that way too. (So, this may be an example of "married" person A and single person B). However, I have had very little trouble establishing completely platonic relationships with a number of guys. This is not to say that I have completely avoided the awkward experiences of one-sided crushes, rather that they are infrequent in comparison to the healthy friendships I have cultivated.
I do firmly believe that you can be friends with someone of the opposite gender with no romantic feelings from either side. However, perhaps this belief of mine can be explained in the scenarios that have already been presented.
1. The "taken" phenomenon
2. When I look at my closest girl friends... girls I have known and loved since I was 12... girls I have grown and matured with and who know me as well (or better) than I know myself and vice versa-- even if they were guys, I would not want to date them. What I am looking for in a partner is not necessarily what I have formed with them... So, perhaps my "quality lists" don't overlap as much as some others'.
So, we come full circle to what all of us probably already knew before this topic even came up... I guess it just depends on the person...
In a related subject... Anyone have any insight into the "friends with the ex" issue? Possible? Not possible? Sure, sure, it depends on the person, but I have recently found myself having the conversation with friends, both male and female, and there seems to be a distinct contrast between the responses. Just looking for a few more opinions.
I am what some people call a serial-dater. I have spent roughly 2 of the past 10 years as a single woman. This is not out of insecurity or a compulsion to constantly have a man in my life, but rather a series of unfortunate circumstances that I have only recently come to realize are no one's fault but my own. (This can be addressed at a later date.)
With that said, I understand that my perspective on things may be skewed because I have pretty much always been "taken", and in most of my experience, others have seen me that way too. (So, this may be an example of "married" person A and single person B). However, I have had very little trouble establishing completely platonic relationships with a number of guys. This is not to say that I have completely avoided the awkward experiences of one-sided crushes, rather that they are infrequent in comparison to the healthy friendships I have cultivated.
I do firmly believe that you can be friends with someone of the opposite gender with no romantic feelings from either side. However, perhaps this belief of mine can be explained in the scenarios that have already been presented.
1. The "taken" phenomenon
2. When I look at my closest girl friends... girls I have known and loved since I was 12... girls I have grown and matured with and who know me as well (or better) than I know myself and vice versa-- even if they were guys, I would not want to date them. What I am looking for in a partner is not necessarily what I have formed with them... So, perhaps my "quality lists" don't overlap as much as some others'.
So, we come full circle to what all of us probably already knew before this topic even came up... I guess it just depends on the person...
In a related subject... Anyone have any insight into the "friends with the ex" issue? Possible? Not possible? Sure, sure, it depends on the person, but I have recently found myself having the conversation with friends, both male and female, and there seems to be a distinct contrast between the responses. Just looking for a few more opinions.
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
Fight to the death: Sexer VS Sexie
This Post is in Response to peacebone's post (Below).
Definitions:
The Sexer: wants to fuck.
The Sexie: does not want to fuck The Sexer.
Can a single guy and a single girl have a truly platonic friendship? No. The friendship can exist, but one of them (The Sexer) will want to have sex with the other one (The Sexie) most of the time. The Sexer may be the boy one month, and the next month perhaps the girl is The Sexer with the boy being The Sexie. If both the boy and girl happen to be The Sexer at the same time, then a sexual relationship will most likely come out of the friendship. But there is another option. Let’s say they both want to jump each other but they are both too inhibited (by social or experience or cowardice factors) so they don’t. In this case they are both Sexers, but they remain friends because they lack the balls to do anything else.
Let’s examine another case.
Given:
Husband A and Wife A are married.
Husband B and Wife B are married.
Both marriages (A and B) are healthy. Both sets of couples are actually in love with their spouse(s) and are devoted to their spouse(s) and their marriages.
Then let’s say that Husband A and Wife B work together. Can they be platonic friends at work? (Meaning that they are friendly and like to talk to each other at work but only do anything outside of work together on really rare occasions: less than once per year) Yes, they can be platonic friends in this case.
If you have a gay man and a straight girl, they can be platonic friends.
What if you have some other combination? One married couple (Husband A and Wife A) and then you have Single Girl C. Can Single Girl C be friends with Wife A? Of course! Can Single Girl C be friends with Husband A? Yes, but the friendship will not be as relaxed as it would be if Single Girl C was married. In other words: Sex does get in the way a little, but most people are able to ignore this.
If you have any other combination, sex will get in the way a little, in different degrees. How the parties handle these sexual urges determines how real the friendship is.
Now that I am married, (And everyone knows it) it is much easier for me to be friends with men who respect marriage. If I happen upon men that do not respect marriage I stop talking to them. (This is a story for another post.) But still, the “friendships” I have with these guys are very light. They are nothing compared to the friendship I have with my husband. But I am also sleeping with my husband, so sex doesn’t get in the way for us, it enhances our friendship. Since I have been married, I have gotten alot closer to Jips in a way I was not able to predict. Working through life problems together, being a family, and being totally secure in our future together changes and enhances our relationship.
How does my friendship with my husband compare to the best girl friendship I have ever had? It is close, but I am closer to my husband. Sex makes us closer, he knows the whole sexual side of me that my best girlfriends don’t know, but at the same time, he also knows me similarly to the way my girlfriends know me.
I am closer to my husband but my girl friends are still incredibly important to me.
I was friends with a boy for years, and now that I am married he won’t talk to me AT ALL.
And then a different boy, wouldn’t talk to me at all until he found out that I WAS married.
Monday, March 3, 2008
I can, with certainty, say we survive
Sorry about your grandma Fermi. My last grandparent died in February (right after Valentines day) 2 years ago. I don't know if I'll ever stop feeling guilty for not having wanted to spend more time around my grandparents when they were here.
Well, aside from wishing you well, I wanted to start a little bit of a discussion. Just something I've been curious about (to better explain it in a sentence fragment).
I can't remember how old I was when I noticed the phenomenon of girls talking about how they've "always gotten along better with guys," implying that they find female relationships hard to cultivate. I guess this is related to Tino's earlier post about women wanting an "in" of some male power, but I think this is different.
Personally, I've always found female relationships much easier to start and develop and much more comfortable throughout. It's only been recently that I've found myself friends with more men. A change that has taken place strictly based on my discovery of the awesomeness of the gay man. I also also fancy myself friends with some married (or might as well be) dudes. So I guess the only men I am friends with are completely unavailable in a sexual or relationship sense.
Maybe this is more of my hangup, that I immediately think of single guys as belonging to one of two categories: boyfriend material or non-boyfriend material. Either label is not likely to promote too much amicability. For one, they cause a lot of anxiety (and in turn, bizarre, uncharacteristic behavior) on my part and I can't imagine that even the subconscious sense of being evaluated and sorted on this basis is good for anyone's ego.
But I digress. The other option is the When Harry Met Sally Perplex. Can men and women be friends or does sex get in the way? I don't fashion myself any sort of Carry Bradshaw in training, but I've found that, for me personally, it's been nothing short of impossible.
Thoughts?
Well, aside from wishing you well, I wanted to start a little bit of a discussion. Just something I've been curious about (to better explain it in a sentence fragment).
I can't remember how old I was when I noticed the phenomenon of girls talking about how they've "always gotten along better with guys," implying that they find female relationships hard to cultivate. I guess this is related to Tino's earlier post about women wanting an "in" of some male power, but I think this is different.
Personally, I've always found female relationships much easier to start and develop and much more comfortable throughout. It's only been recently that I've found myself friends with more men. A change that has taken place strictly based on my discovery of the awesomeness of the gay man. I also also fancy myself friends with some married (or might as well be) dudes. So I guess the only men I am friends with are completely unavailable in a sexual or relationship sense.
Maybe this is more of my hangup, that I immediately think of single guys as belonging to one of two categories: boyfriend material or non-boyfriend material. Either label is not likely to promote too much amicability. For one, they cause a lot of anxiety (and in turn, bizarre, uncharacteristic behavior) on my part and I can't imagine that even the subconscious sense of being evaluated and sorted on this basis is good for anyone's ego.
But I digress. The other option is the When Harry Met Sally Perplex. Can men and women be friends or does sex get in the way? I don't fashion myself any sort of Carry Bradshaw in training, but I've found that, for me personally, it's been nothing short of impossible.
Thoughts?
Thursday, February 28, 2008
what little girls are made of
This entry is in response to Tino’s “Sugar and Spice.”
I’ll start with Power. Currently we live in a white male dominated society. Old white men hold the power in (for example) the Academy: currently they run almost every department. Old white men are usually more sexist than the majority of the population, and I have a general dislike for their lack of emotional enlightenment. If I could get away with never speaking to one of these gentlemen again, I would. But that is not the case. I have to learn to deal with them until that generation dies off. These guys do have the power, but I want nothing to do with them because I have judged them to be underdeveloped. I don’t give a shit if they think I am attractive or not, and I would rather if they kept that opinion to themselves anyway.
Summary: Old white dudes have power. I hate them.
But what about guys in my age group? As a whole, I have been generally unimpressed with them as well. Most of them fail in one or more of these categories: intelligence, self-awareness, balance, kindness, self-discipline, integrity, social skills, compassion, and self-motivation. So what do I think when I see the pretty but otherwise uninteresting blond falling all over some guy? I think: Those are two hormonal kids.
Am I scraping for power from these guys that are less developed than me? Hells No! I have way more power than them to begin with. They might be able to bench press more than me, or run faster, but that doesn’t matter right now. These are not the cave man days where we have to hunt buffalo on foot, and we have to rely on men because they can run fast. These are the times where education will let you get ahead, that and being smart, socially smart, politically smart, etc. I was told yesterday that most men are intimidated by a woman with a PhD. And to that I say: That’s because those guys don’t have their act together.
Do I feel like I am in competition with other women? No. Because if a guy can’t see that I am the most incredibly awesome person in the world, then he does not have his shit together, I guarantee you. It takes an enlightened person to recognize one.
Under “Competition with other women” you will find: fashion rules, how-to-act rules, etc. And I say: Fuck Your Rules. I make my own.
And Tino, I am sorry that you find it difficult to function in female relationships. I don’t know the whole story here, but I bet that those difficult female relationships were with some chicks who didn’t have their shit together.
Catty Chicks = Unenlightened idiots.
And girls that are only friends with guys have other issues all together.
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Sugar and Spice - like nutmeg, but not cayenne, right?
I'm intrigued anytime I feel a sense of true support from other ladies. This blog is interesting in that we've come together as a group to share and express, and there is a very non-competitive vibe that is worth noting. Probably since the age of eight when I started to have my first unhealthy relationships with other girls, I've been interested in the question of why we--as a gender--are always in competition with each other and why it's difficult to function in female relationships. And most of us live our lives trying NOT to be called a bitch or a ho (the fact that everyone is so ready to call a girl that is a whole other social problem).
For starters, I have feminist ideals, and I hate gender stereotypes and restrictive ideas about gender roles. I fucking hate the toy store for this: everything separated into girl toys and boy toys. At little toddlers' birthday parties, people get the kids things according to the kid's gender and start saying things like, "Ooh, he's gonna be a big football player when he gets older!" or "She's going to be a ballerina one day!"
Is it really that much of a stretch that a girl might want to play with the tool bench or a basketball? Is it ridiculous to think a little boy might want to take care of a little animal or a baby doll? (Of course then everyone will call him gay for being a nice human being. And what about gay and transgender kids? But I digress.) How will these kids even know what they like if they can't even choose what they're interested in?
The bigger question is: when I have kids, how do I let my kids choose their own passions in such a prescribed setting? And then people give you that look like you're such a weirdo and you're just mad at society "for no reason" and "just face it: little girls like pink, and little boys like guns. They're born that way." I don't buy into that. "Human nature" is such a big, vague, blanket excuse for things that have social explanations.
(note: I have personally worn tutus and pointe shoes and loved it--I am not the least bit against traditional feminine images in themselves. But my dad played baseball with me as a kid, too, and I never would have know I was a strong hitter if he'd assumed I could only be a dancer.)
But I'm getting ahead of myself here. I went to a birthday party for my BF's nephew who was turning one. He pretty much just likes colors. It was hard to find something that wasn't over-the-top hetero-boy. We settled for a fuzzy book about animals and a pound-shapes-into-holes-with-a-hammer game. Last year for his brother, we found a picnic set of fake food and plates and such--who doesn't like fake food?
So without much elegance, back to my orignal point (it will tie-in, I swear): people like to say girls are "naturally" catty, or women can't be friends with other women, or girls have "cat fights" because they just can't help themselves. I read a book once that proposed that the reason these stereotypes exist is because women really do compete heavily with each other and we're pretty threatened by other women because we are in the less-powerful gender category and we're scraping for power from the male group. I like this theory--it makes sense. For example: we compete for guys to think we're the most beautiful. Attention from them means power-by-proxy for us. Or some girls say, "I hate girls--they're so catty," to pretend to be one of the guys so that she may reap they benefits of feeling the power that guys feel.
BUT--the good news is that we can truly band together and have power through support and cooperation, of course. But this is more difficult than it sounds: when some pretty but otherwise uninteresting blond is throwing herself at some guy, would you talk shit about her? Or would you respond with a feeling of care like you wanted to help her lift herself up instead of searching for power in un-empowering ways? Would you be able to see all other females as part of your team and deserving of love and support? That's hard and pretty counter-intuitive for me based on the habits I've formed my whole life.
And as a supplement to my point, I'd like to add that guys have their own issues to work out with their gender role stereotypes (i.e., too much focus on physical strength and the ability to compete and be aggressive). Oh, and I do believe that race and sexual orientation affects gender roles and where you are in the social hierarchy of things. I'd love to hear a gay or non-white female perspective on all of this.
So anyway, this blog=cool ladies.
For starters, I have feminist ideals, and I hate gender stereotypes and restrictive ideas about gender roles. I fucking hate the toy store for this: everything separated into girl toys and boy toys. At little toddlers' birthday parties, people get the kids things according to the kid's gender and start saying things like, "Ooh, he's gonna be a big football player when he gets older!" or "She's going to be a ballerina one day!"
Is it really that much of a stretch that a girl might want to play with the tool bench or a basketball? Is it ridiculous to think a little boy might want to take care of a little animal or a baby doll? (Of course then everyone will call him gay for being a nice human being. And what about gay and transgender kids? But I digress.) How will these kids even know what they like if they can't even choose what they're interested in?
The bigger question is: when I have kids, how do I let my kids choose their own passions in such a prescribed setting? And then people give you that look like you're such a weirdo and you're just mad at society "for no reason" and "just face it: little girls like pink, and little boys like guns. They're born that way." I don't buy into that. "Human nature" is such a big, vague, blanket excuse for things that have social explanations.
(note: I have personally worn tutus and pointe shoes and loved it--I am not the least bit against traditional feminine images in themselves. But my dad played baseball with me as a kid, too, and I never would have know I was a strong hitter if he'd assumed I could only be a dancer.)
But I'm getting ahead of myself here. I went to a birthday party for my BF's nephew who was turning one. He pretty much just likes colors. It was hard to find something that wasn't over-the-top hetero-boy. We settled for a fuzzy book about animals and a pound-shapes-into-holes-with-a-hammer game. Last year for his brother, we found a picnic set of fake food and plates and such--who doesn't like fake food?
So without much elegance, back to my orignal point (it will tie-in, I swear): people like to say girls are "naturally" catty, or women can't be friends with other women, or girls have "cat fights" because they just can't help themselves. I read a book once that proposed that the reason these stereotypes exist is because women really do compete heavily with each other and we're pretty threatened by other women because we are in the less-powerful gender category and we're scraping for power from the male group. I like this theory--it makes sense. For example: we compete for guys to think we're the most beautiful. Attention from them means power-by-proxy for us. Or some girls say, "I hate girls--they're so catty," to pretend to be one of the guys so that she may reap they benefits of feeling the power that guys feel.
BUT--the good news is that we can truly band together and have power through support and cooperation, of course. But this is more difficult than it sounds: when some pretty but otherwise uninteresting blond is throwing herself at some guy, would you talk shit about her? Or would you respond with a feeling of care like you wanted to help her lift herself up instead of searching for power in un-empowering ways? Would you be able to see all other females as part of your team and deserving of love and support? That's hard and pretty counter-intuitive for me based on the habits I've formed my whole life.
And as a supplement to my point, I'd like to add that guys have their own issues to work out with their gender role stereotypes (i.e., too much focus on physical strength and the ability to compete and be aggressive). Oh, and I do believe that race and sexual orientation affects gender roles and where you are in the social hierarchy of things. I'd love to hear a gay or non-white female perspective on all of this.
So anyway, this blog=cool ladies.
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