You're drunk and acting tough.

I'm a quitter. By Natalie Dee.

I quit blogging. and more importantly - I quit grad school.

It was really more of a damage control thing than anything else... But I can get into that later.

the important thing - is that I am now a scientist for a Fortune 500 company making consumer products - which is where I always wanted to end up - and i have arrived.

My life is infinitely better than it was in graduate school. I am amazed at this - at the fact that your environment can influence you that much. I had always been of the mindset that who I am internally has more influence on me than my surroundings... but I guess I can see that both matter to some extent.

I also have a new belief in Luck. In graduate school I was unlucky and unsuccessful. I also think that the professors that I worked for are dumb. Now, I find myself in a new situation, still working out new technology, but I am already wildly successful. It has got to be luck that I have ended up here - and that the senior scientist that I am working with is smart. Smarter than most of the professors I knew in graduate school.

And although I have been away from blogging on the internet, I have still been on the internet.

This video by Alain De Botton (scroll to the end of the post) resonated with me.

Leaving my program with out a Ph.D. was hard for my identity. So much of who I was- was wrapped up in getting a PhD and staying in graduate school at all costs.

It was easy for me to physically leave - because I have this gift of seeing the truth of situations - and I knew I was being forced out.

And the most important thing I learned in graduate school is that a Ph.D. doesn't mean anything. Lazy idiots can have them, hard working idiots can have them, etc. It doesn't even distinguish if you can think or not.

My manager said to me about me "she acts like she has a PhD" meaning I can think, and come up with new technologies, and design experiments, etc. I just don't have the stamp.

(And for the record, yes I did leave with a Masters, but it is still quitting in my eyes.)

Hello again, blogging world.

TFA is short for: Shot in the FACE

I can feel it: the obsession creeping in. I am checking MY OWN BLOG multiple times a day to look for comments and new posts.

Skuh asked me why I said TFA is the devil. The reality is that I just like to make outlandish claims without any substance to them. I don't know that much about Teach For America, but these facts make me distrust them:

1) they are an organization with lots of propaganda
2) you can write the TFA experience on your resume
3) their target age group = college kids

Organizations and Cults love to target college kids because often times college kids don't want to grow up and they don't know what they will do with their lives. College kids are legal-for-labor and they don't always place a high value on their time. The exploitation opportunities are endless.

Skuh, I know you aren't doing TFA so you can write it on your resume. But that will be the focus of the people you will be working with. You were an English major so you might not know how annoying pre-meds are. People who are too focused on resumes are a bitch to be around because they lack something that most other people have: a soul.

I am naturally distrustful of organizations especially if there is propaganda involved. From what I have heard, TFA does not tolerate any negative talk about TFA. Personally, I like the truth and I like free speech. TFA likes to smite the truth.

And finally, if you join TFA you may be shot in the face by one of your students.

Check the links:
Feministe: Why I Hate Teach For America
(read the comments on Feministe, too)
Philadelphia Rain
Loving to Hate Teach for America
How I Joined Teach for America-- and got Sued for $20 million

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Did yall watch the new HOUSE Tuesday?
If so you will love LOL House, courtesy of J-Money.
It is really funny! Scroll down to see the pics.

Woe to the Woah

At my University it was the first week of classes. I am auditing one class this semester about macromolecular structure and it is very interesting. Sitting in class feels like a treat! It is also a bit odd as I am constantly reminded of how I know almost nothing about Biochemistry. This is a new feeling because I selected my focus before my senior year of college and from my senior year until now (my 3rd year of grad school), all of my courses have had some overlap and they became second nature to me. Now, sitting in a course I know nothing about, I consistently guess incorrectly (out loud and in my head) and this is a new thing for me. I am about 10 for 10 of incorrect in class answers. This is doing wonders for my self- esteem. ;)



The most thought provoking incident of the week occurred on Thursday. I lead a Women in Chemistry group of graduate students, and we were asked to hold a breakfast and lunch for a seminar speaker. The speaker is a smart soft spoken woman who works at a national lab. She is only 1.5 years out of graduate school so her point of view was really applicable to my group.

Having lunches with professional PhD women is one of the most common activities of my Women's group. The goal of these lunches is to rejuvenate and inspire us, to provide us glimpses of careers of our futures, and to provide us with positive female role models. The funny thing was that after this breakfast-lunch combo, at least 50% of my group were either crying or thinking of crying and wanting to quit graduate school. ... Mission Accomplished.

I wasn't crying, but I felt the same way. Jips asked me: What did she say to make you all so upset? I thought about that and I thought about the underlying assumptions that we had about our future life that made the speakers talk such a rude awakening. I came up with a few reasons for our woe.

Reasons for Woe
1. College is Awesome. For most of us, college is the first time (that we think) we are treated as adults. We go to class, have a part time job, workout, and hang out with friends. The thing about college is that you have a TON of free time. Well, I had a TON of free time because I never took 18 hours in one semester. But the sad truth is: college is nothing like real adult life. The truth is that most Americans work very hard at their jobs, and college educated Americans (more often than not) work more than 40 hours a week. This in itself is a shocker if you think college is the begining of your adult life.

2. Most women in my group came to get their PhD straight out of college. Our graduate program requires more than 40 hours a week for the first two years. Add to that the emotional toll of our peon status of graduate students, the fact that we make as much as a wall-mart grocery bagger, and you get some weary kids. One girl told me this: You know what our problem is? We liked Chemistry in college, so we got fooled into thinking that graduate school was a good idea. And now we are stuck in this 10 foot deep cylinder of shit that we can't get out of. Perhaps I embellished that a bit. Regardless, it is true. Getting a PhD in Science can suck ass, especially in the first 2 years when the demands are high.

Enter our speaker who said:
-I thought I worked hard in grad school, but now I work so much harder and I am so much busier.
-I work five 10 hour days, and then about five or six hours on Sunday. I feel like I get to see my husband all the time because we go running every night after work, and on Saturday we sleep in and then run errands together.

To someone who is barely holding on now in grad school, this sounds like a bleak future.


From Woe to woah.

I thought about this some more, and it does seem true that most educated people in America work hard at their jobs. So why should I look forward to my future?

1. My Peon Status won't last forever. Feeling like an expert at work rather than a slave has got to do wonders for the enjoyment you can get out of your job.

2. Everyone in America works hard, but I will be getting paid a large amount of money for the work I do.

3. I will probably be working with other highly educated adults. This has got to beat being a first grade teacher, or waiting tables.

4. I like science, research, development, and optimization. When I was in undergrad, a grad student in the lab where I worked told me: You would probably like grad school because you really like research. That helps me even now. I do LOVE research, and focusing on the science and how cool it is helps me like my job now, and will probably help in the future.

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So why do I have a photo of the guy with a power tool? Cause I learned how to drill this week! My research has required me to do a construction project and it is awesome. I am going slow (Because I have never built anything before.) But so far my project looks good and very sturdy. So I am enjoying work a ton this week.

Grad School or Grocery Bagger?

I didn't blog much last week because I was too busy waking up at an ungodly hour - walking to the train - taking the train downtown - and walking to school. Reverse and repeat for the way home. I thought that getting to work early would be good because I wouldn't get as sweaty on my way in. But I was wrong. Getting to work early is NOT good, (sans good.) I was overly tired all day which made me want to nap in the evening rather than walk the dogs, workout, spend time with the husband, or do any housework. Jips even said to me that early work might not be good because "the house and I need you." And it is so. Early work is not good. Eventually I bet I could get used to the hours, but then there is the problem of my obsessions. I cannot bring myself to leave work early even if I get there early. I just want to finish what I am working on, and it doesn't seem so bad to leave at the normal time, right?



Speaking of work, Mrs. Smoltz and I had dinner yesterday. She showed me that we make the same amount of money as someone who dropped out of high school and is bagging groceries at wall mart.* Damn. But then I say that we are getting paid to get an education and we will be making tons more than the wall mart bagger once we get out. And some people in grad school don't get paid. In our program, in science, they have to pay us something. Otherwise the graduation rate would be 5% rather than the 50% it is now. We have to put up with alot of shit. Maybe it is like that in every program, and maybe not.



Jips is our program's grad student president. That means he has meetings with the "popular" kids on the grad student council and he attends faculty meetings. The popular kids in grad school act like high schoolers. All they do is complain about how they don't get enough money for alcohol for their parties. Faculty meetings are full of professors complaining about email server changes and acting as obnoxious as possible. The Academic World is not the real world. Or maybe it is. What do I know?



Am I ranting? I need to do some cardio. I haven't worked out since Tuesday and I can tell. My muscles scream to me that they want to be worked.



Last week I decided I would try to eat healthier. I made some split pea soup and bought some raw spinach. I made "spinach salad" which means Spinach (80%), Greek Vinaigrette (10%), and Feta Cheese Chunks (10%). I was afraid of the split pea soup, but it isn't painful to eat, just a bit hum-drum. Finally, Frozen blueberries, Vanilla Light N Fit Dannon Yogurt, and Kashi Go Lean Crunch cereal on top. I thought it was good the first time I ate it. Now I am of the opinion that health food tastes like crap.


What did Jips get me for my birthday? Diamond Earrings. Yes. I know, he did well. They are special posts with screw on backs so that they won't fall out. Growing up I was not one of those girly-girls that was all about expensive jewelry. But the best husband in the world likes to give me pretty things. :) I bet I can adapt.

I leave you with the best political YouTube video yet.

* It is interesting that we make the same amount because Jips's maw-maw said that he could bag groceries when he decided to quit his first graduate program.

Some people like their jobs?

In the realm of work-life balance there are several classes of opinion ranging from [My job defines me - I love my job - I am a work-a- holic] to [I hate my job and only do this for the paycheck] with all shades of gray in between. I got to thinking about this when skuh posted awhile back and said: "I still am having trouble believing that people can like what they do for a living." Do I like my job? I wondered. Now, I will begin the investigation!

My first Job: Babysitting
Pros:
(1) This job provides chance to earn tax-free money when you are under 16.
(2) You get a candid glimpse of what someone else's family is like.
Cons:
(1) Your job security may depend on the whims of children.
(2) It was hard for me to stay awake that late at night.
To sum it up:
Being an awesome babysitter takes lots of energy, hard work, and slight manipulation. Getting paid 5 to 8 dollars an hour seemed great at the time, but I am glad that this is not my job now.

My first "real" job (ages 16-18) Hostess at a medium sized pasta resturant:
Summary (and Pros):
I totally loved this job. Here are the reasons:
(1) Working let me escape from my parents during the thunderous teenage years.
(2) I was "the favorite hostess" mainly because I wasn't an idiot like most of the other hostesses, and I worked hard.
(3) The (college boy) servers were constantly flirting with me.
(4) Working let me have some income that I could spend on important things like diet coke and CDs.
(5) Being a hostess means that there is lots of social interaction with minimal intimacy. Having a set script to tell people while I was seating them was about as much intimacy as I could handle at 16.
(6) I got to color with the children's crayons while I was waiting for people to come into the restaurant.
Cons:
(1) Sometimes you have to work with really dumb and obnoxious girls that are also hostesses.
(2) Sometimes servers will direct the anger they feel towards their table at you because they lack emotional maturity.

Next job, age 18 into college: Server at various resturants
Pros:
(1) Waitressing gives social interaction with limited intimacy.
(2) I had an inner desire to wait tables, and this was a realization of my dream.
Cons:
(1) Your income depends on the mood of the people you wait on.
(2) If the restaurant isn't busy, you might not make any "real" money.
(3) Most other servers are not people that I would choose to be friends with.
Summary:
Every time Jips and I go out to eat I am thankful that I am not working in a restaurant.
I liked this job while I was there.

College age: Student Worker
Summary:
This marks the begining of my distaste for Academia.

College age: Farmer's Market Checkout Girl
Pros:
(1) If the people in line get pissy, you don't have to worry about them leaving you a bad tip.
(2) The girls I worked with were awesome.
(3) The uniform consisted of a t-shirt containing dancing fruit. I still wear them today.
(4) You get to shop for fresh fruit and veggies after work. You know exactly when the fresh strawberries arrive.
(5) You work in fresh air surrounded by fresh produce. This is a beautiful environment.
Cons:
(1) Working outside in the middle of winter means wearing 3 pairs of pants and 5 layers under your jacket.
Summary:
I have fond memories of this job. I had a nice retired navy grampa as a boss. I loved the fact that I didn't have to care about moody customers.

Grad School age: Grad school, Teaching Assistant / Research Assistant
Pros:
(1) Being a TA made me more compassionate.
(2) I am getting paid to go to school. Yes, they pay me enough to live while I focus on my degree.
(3) I split an office containing four desks with just one other female grad student that I like. (That means I get TWO desks!)
(4) I have met some awesome graduate students in my program.
(5) I actually enjoy learning and studying and researching.
Cons:
(1) The pay is much less than my B.S. degree would allow me to earn in the real world. I earn less than a high school teacher.
(2) Most professors act like rich spoiled 6th graders. These "6th graders" have control over if I get my degree or not. Dealing with this has been difficult.
(3) It is hard to have any sort of relationship with your husband or "friends" when you work constantly.
Summary:
I like research and playing around in a lab. But once I get out with my degree, I am never coming back.


Currently, I guess I do like what I do for a job on a daily basis. And I have even learned how to manage my boss!

If you didn't yet respond to Skuh's post, do you like your job?

my ass feels like i'm gonna die

make that my ass and back and shoulders.

On Monday, I did a wee bit too much of teh exercise.
Today I took a nap.

Earlier today I felt like quitting graduate school. Not only am I completely disillusioned with Academia, but I also feel that I lack the enthusiasm I once had for my subject. Now, there is a possibility that this disregard for my work stems from my overall state of being sleep deprived and sore. While there exists an equal likelihood that my spiritless state has arisen from the purgatory known as My Graduate Program.

I fantasize about being a stay at home mom. I daydream of having four kids. (In reality, I know we will probably end up with 2.)

Postsecret from Sunday:

I am weary of this stage of my life.

1 magazine you think will make you happy... but won't

I finally feel like writing, but I am not sure if I have anything to blog about... That means it is time for THE LIST!

8. Magazine Obsession
The Fourth of July marked our one year anniversary with My Coke Rewards. Last year, MCR had better prizes than they do now. Jips would get video games and we could get free Blockbuster movie rentals. But now, they have run out of all of the good prizes. Even the Women's Diet Coke tank top! I ordered one tank top to see how it would fit and I LOVED it. But then when I went back to get more, they were sold out! So Sad.

Just about the only thing that is left to get are free magazine subscriptions. So I started getting those. If we add the free magazine subscriptions to the fact that my sister gave Jips a script to GOLF, Jip's aunt gave me a script to Southern Living, and Jip's mom for an unknown reason gets Rolling Stone so she sends them to me, we now receive the following magazines:

1. Golf
2. Southern Living
3. Rolling Stone
4. Cosmo
5. Fitness
6. Redbook
7. Wired*
8. Self*
9. O, The Oprah Magazine*

Wired, Self, and O haven't come yet, but I have gotten at least one magazine from all of the others.

FUN FEARLESS FEMALE
I got a cosmo mag first. That was a huge disappointment. The first one I got was July 08, with Carrie Underwood on the cover. I had never seen her before in my life. The cover says "7 NEW ways to be happy" so I flipped to page 142. And the title of the article is actually: "7 Things You Think Will Make You Happy...but Won't." I think: I already know what does not make me happy, and I feel like there was some false advertising on the cover. I already feel like I have gotten better *happiness* advice from Penelope Trunk: Having sex more often makes you happier than having more money. This was good news for me as I have a willing husband but not alot of income. Ahem. Let's get back to cosmo, Here is the list with my comments:

1. A Ton of Cash and Luxe Stuff In the small print they tell us we need to appreciate what we have. Yes, but I knew that already. Maybe gold-diggers read cosmo and don't know that. But still if you look at a previous post, I say that I want to be rich. That is because, in our current society, money helps you get out of sticky situations. In many cases having a monumental sum in the bank gives you choices that you wouldn't have otherwise had. For me Money *grants* Freedom, and Freedom tops my list. To clarify, I want to be rich, but I don't want to live rich. I don't want anyone to know of my future money that I will have in the bank.

2. Blowout Celebrations for Major Milestones At the end of this section they tell us that routines make us happy. I am a living example of this one. I did not attend my high school graduation, needless to say I didn't have a graduation party either. Under 30 people witnessed my wedding. That includes the judge and photographer. It was romantic and casual, on our beach. I had a short dress and jips wore shorts. We ate together at a restaurant afterwards. It was great. Routines make us happy. Personally, I need so much structure I don't know if I could survive without my routines.

3. Being Upbeat 24/7 Wait, you mean having a fake bubbly personality (and pretending everything is awesome all the time) isn't actually going to make us happy on the inside? SHOCKING!

4. Reading Cosmo Right, so let's stop even talking about Cosmo.

While I was blogging about (8 Magazine Obsession) I mentioned 14. Penelope Trunk's Writing. Penelope Trunk (links above) seems like a normal person, not terribly educated, not terribly wise, but sometimes she gives good advice. Like this: close friends and family make us happier than being alone. This is true even if you get paid tons of money to be alone. She also says that we have to find out who we are and what we want and then make career choices off of that. It seems obvious, right? But it gets confusing when you get advice from people you respect but that have very different desires in life.

A professor who desires to have a successful academic career, who obviously puts her job first told me that taking off of work to stay home with my kids (for 5 plus) years is a very bad idea. The truth is that it is possible to work with a company and work part time or even full time if you are a mom. But I don't want to do that. It is incredibly hard to be a working mom when your kids are young. And I believe that I can be a better mom if I just focus on my kids.

So why am I getting a PhD in chemistry? Because I want one. Is it a waste for such an educated person to stay at home and take care of kids? Is it a waste for me to clean up poop, and make dinner for my family? No, it isn't. Because even though someone else *could* do the same job that I would do, they won't do it in the same way that I will do it.


The List
6. Black boys catcalls
7. Harlem Shakes Vampire Weekend vs Bonaroo Music Festival
9. Cake Therapy
15. Things that make me happy
16. Feeling happy vs Feeling Powerful vs Feeling Superior
17. Jips comes home
18. Flowers and Presents

Mommy Porn

Can you tell that Jips is out of town from how often I have posted today?

heh.

I just read this: mommy porn. Check it out. I loved it mainly because I know people are different and not everyone wants to stay home with their kids. At the same time, some people are totally loving and patient and want to stay at home with the young'uns.

I also hate celebs. And cosmo. Maybe I don't hate those things. Let's say I just am not the type of person to get anything out of celebrities or cosmopolitan magazines. Maybe I get something from cosmo, On the weeks I read it I have more sex than the weeks when I read science blogs. That's obvious though: If I am prompted to think about sex I will have it more often.

I bring up celebrities because of the mommy porn link (above), and why the hell do I get cosmo? Well, mycokerewards.com has shittier than ever prizes now so I just signed up for all of these magazines that I can get for free. Should I order GQ? Should I? Popular mechanics? Magazines seem like such a waste of time, especially since they are from the corporate world with all of the truthless editing.

Reading blogs on-line that are not edited by big corporations trying to sell something I find to be much more enjoyable. Which brings us to the MOMMY PORN link. I love it because it is truthful. And because I have this elaborate plan of how I will be a stay-at-home-mom (SAHM) for 5-7 years and then go back to work. So what are your plans? Kids? No Kids? SAHM? working mom? How did your nanny/housekeeper thing work when you were growing up, Novella? Did the rest of you kids have SAHMs? Do you think you can do it all?

John McCain = Butternut Squash

The Internet in my apartment went out last night. :( Hopefully Jips will call and get that fixed. I have a great deal to write about in the next few days, but first here is a sample of some things I have been enjoying on the Internet:

John McCain = Butternut Squash

The John McCain post is by one of my new favorite personal bloggers: a pregnant lawyer named B. I'm not into politics, but this post was excellent.

Happy Feet (music video)

Remember that old post I wrote about blog networks? Well there is another network full of people who work in advertising. These next 2 links are from adssuck.blogspot.com, apparently working in advertising sucks or something, I am not sure. It seems obvious to me that working in advertising would suck. I guess it was not obvious to all of these bloggers when they chose a career in it.

Happy Feet (above) is this girl playing 4 instruments and singing. Watch the whole thing cause she rocks out with a violin at the very end. It is catchy, too.

Not that into you (Trailer)

The trailer is about a movie based on the book: He's just not that into you. ( I think that is the title.) Anyway, it looks awesome. This was the first time I saw the trailer, and there is another trailer on the IMDB site but you have to watch a commercial first, and Ads Suck, remember?

Diversity of Thought

At the end of our second year of graduate school, we begin to see who is going to make it (get a PhD) and who is going to leave with a masters. My program is not like all programs in all fields. You enter either with a bachelors or a masters degree and you basically have the same coursework and qualifiers either way. Some of my colleagues who started with a masters degree had an easy time with coursework (because they had seen so much of it before.) But many of us came in with only a BS set on a 4 to 5 year plan to get a PhD, or at least we said that so we could get financial support. (Masters students coming in must pay their own way, while PhD students are fully supported.)

The interesting thing is that all of the black girls (except one) in my entering class are leaving with masters. (Black people : Entering class my year, 6:50) And the one token black boy in the first year class is going to leave with a masters as well. (Black people : Entering class 1st years, 1:45)
The one black girl in my year who is still in the game is a year behind because she didn't pass the literature exams the first time. They all were a year behind because of lit exams, but only one has decided to stick with it.
As for token black boy, he made a C in his boss's class this semester. I think he made alot of other Cs in his classes as well so he doesn't have many options. (A,B = okay, C = fail)
And token black boy's boss is the token black male professor.

So what is going on here? I asked my boss about this, and about the statistics in general, and he said that African Americans usually have lower GRE scores than their peers because the GRE is racist. I believe that. It is easy to see that the GRE could reference some upper-class-white things (like going to see Cats or Phantom on Broadway) that is not as popular in the black culture. But this cannot be the whole story. I know some white people who had low GRE scores and are not smart at all, but they are doing okay because they work their asses off. Their lab-mates are pissed at them because they spend zero time in the lab because they are always working on classwork or lit exams but they know they need to pass this shit.

Here are the facts:

1. Black people are just as smart as white people. Sure, there is a continuum in all people, but the race is not a factor in determining if you are going to be smart or not.

2. Most black people drop out of my PhD program, even when they have black same-sex advisers.

So what the fuck is going on?

My Idea:

Obviously it is sociological. Most white protestants in this country come from the "work hard" puritanical mind set. This goes for the blue collars who start their own car mechanic shops and the countless business people. We as Americans are work-a-holics. Immigrating to America was hard, and a great number of people died. Hard-working people had an advantage, and they survived.

Now, Black people. There are two types: The descendants of slaves, and the recently immigrated. Slavery was a horrible thing. To give an intelligent being zero power over his or her fate is (under most circumstances) emotionally crushing. Slavery is not natural, it is brutal in all forms. If you are a kind white person who has one black slave nanny to take care of your children, you are still participating in a horribly brutal act. I had never experienced such an imbalance of power before I came to graduate school, and previously I was unable to begin to understand how horrible slavery is. I know that slavery is ten thousand times worse than graduate school.

Let us examine this situation. You are a slave on a plantation. If you work extra hard you get a backache and you still have to work the next day. If you work just enough to not get noticed, you have more time to have sex with your wife and you live longer. In slavery, working hard is not advantageous to your situation, but working just enough is. These people survived.

After the abolishment of slavery, the descendants of slaves were/are still treated like second class citizens by white people. Black people learn through experience that maybe they shouldn't trust white people, or maybe it is just that they feel more comfortable with other black people.

Fast forward to graduate school. All of the black girls that are leaving ONLY TALK TO OTHER BLACK GIRLS. And one of them sat on her phone sending text messages during the entirety of a course. Sure, it was boring as hell, and sometimes I graded a few lab reports, but text messaging? I saw a sign up on a black woman's office that said "Attitude is EVERYTHING." And I think that statement is esteemed in the black community, because if the white man is getting you down you still have your 'tude. But having an attitude is not going to help you pass an exam that you just didn't study for.

I think the problem is that post-slavery American blacks have a mix of a social thing and they lack the "you must work extra hard to be worth anything" when they were growing up. Now, the idea that you must work extra hard to be worth anything is not healthy, but it might get you a PhD.

Earlier I mentioned the distinction between recently immigrated black people who were not the descendants of slaves. All of these immigrants were extremely hard workers and totally lacked the social constructs prevalent in black America.

Black American's are less susceptible to the body-image issues that white girls struggle with. But maybe that same society makes it easier for white people to be aggressive and deny themselves in order to get what they want.

Mouthwash for Lunch

toothpastefordinner.com

Comic from March 21, 2008 if you look in the archives:

This comic brings up two things. Feminism and the government. Lately I have been looking at alot of different blogs and I found some interesting themes:

Feminism (by anyone)
Politics (by anyone)
Teaching k-12 (by teachers)
Academic (nameless professors writing about stuff)
Mom-Blog (by moms about kids/family)
Overweight People

First of all, I don't understand why political blogs are so popular. Sure, the way our nation is run is the one thing that unites all Americans... And Politicians are our Royalty. But in my view, Political stuff is insignificant. Most of it is BS. In the end, what gives your life meaning? Is it the fact that you are a Democrat? or is it the fact that you have a great best friend and a loving partner and family that accepts you for who you are?

Next up we have Academics. I have decided that becoming a professor is essentially becoming a priest of your subject. It is a vocation, something that you devote your life to.

So are there other blog network titles? If so, what are they???

Yes Masta, Youse a good Masta.

Things I am learning in Graduate School
1. My boss has 100% of the power in our relationship, I have 0%.
There is nothing I can do to change this.
2. My boss will do things that (he thinks) will benefit him.
3. My boss does not care about me (or the other graduate students in our lab.)
4. My boss cannot admit that he is wrong.

I have been told that in graduate school in the sciences, the group is like a family. There is the (Principle Investigator (PI) / boss / professor) who is the parent. The graduate students are the children, and post-docs fill the nanny / babysitter role.

In reality, comparing a research group to a family is total bullshit.
In a family, parents love and look after their children. Because of this love, there is some sharing in the power structure. The parents will listen to their kids and take the children's reasonable and healthy desires into consideration.

There is no LOVE in a research group. A research group is much more like a plantation in the old south. The boss is the plantation owner, and the grad students are the slaves.

If you were a slave in the old south, you might be fortunate enough to end up on a plantation with a kind and moral owner. But you could also be unlucky and end up with an insecure and unethical slave owner. Guess whose plantation I live on?

My theory is that younger professors (read assistant and associate professors) are in general kinder than old professors. Older = more shitty. This could be because power corrupts.

So in this 100:0 power situation, what do you do if you are the slave and your boss is unethical, lazy, and self-centered? You either say "Yes, Master" or you leave. Leaving can mean running away to another plantation, or running away to the North. (North = Quitting Grad School)

How does a first year graduate student find a good group? I tell them that you cannot trust people's opinions, but you can trust numbers. Ask for numbers. Here is an example:

In the Past Four Years:
1) Average number of slaves on plantation: 4
2) Number of runaway slaves: 6
3) Number of slaves earning their freedom (PhD): 1

Does that sound like a family that you want to belong to?

Career Girls! How Exciting!

The top and bottom images of this post are from the same game (see below) What Shall I Be? The Exciting Game of Career Girls.

I initially notice the following:
1) All of the Career Girls are wearing skirts.
2) All of the Career Girls are white.
3) The wording "Career Girls" suggests that working is not the default position of women.
4) The wording "Career Girls" to me suggests child labor. But really what is being depicted are women's career choices, perhaps "Girls" is used to suggest that women are dependent like children.
5) Board Game Designer is not one of the Career Choices for Girls. (Read: Boys in power are promoting the stereotype.)
6) Career Girls can Entertain: Model, Actress, Ballet Dancer.
7) Career Girls can Serve: Airline Waitress, Nurse, Teacher.
8) My generation did not grow up with this game. I thank the feminists.

Goal 1: Relaxation

Sybil Vane is a new contributor at Bitch PhD. Bitch was smart to add her. Sybil is very good and young which I like. Her most recent post is about collectives and feminism and the lack of identification with the feminist movement. I spent the majority of my morning so far reading the comments to the post and visiting the commenter's blogs. I happened upon some blogs by women science professors. Those blogs linked to other blogs by women in science. I really tried to explore the blogs but found them VERY uninteresting. I know I am making the right choice to NOT go into academia.

Now I am inclined to re-evaluate my life strategy at 3 different stages of my life:
(1) Before Oral Exam: Run away from everything unpleasant.
(2) Oral Exam/G-skoo in general: Jump though the hoops and face the problems: act like a tiger.
(3) After passing all qualifiers: Run away! Run away!

Once I accomplish Goal 1: Relaxation, my next major goal will be to meet with my boss and discuss my path to graduation. This will be a 2 to 3 year path but I want to have it mapped out specifically so that I can see my progress. Meeting with my boss is something that will stress me out so I will probably meet with Red-Haired-Ashely for some advice on how to do this. She is at the end of her 4th year and has recently established a wonderful working relationship with her boss via very productive meetings about progress. *vomit* My excellent grip on reality makes it very clear that my boss (in his present and probably eternal state of being) is unable to have wonderful relationships of any sort. This being said, I hope that meeting with my boss will ensure prompt graduation, although my hopes do not extend to the development of any sort of relationship.

Onto Goal 1: Relaxation. This is hard for me, but clearly a necessity. To accomplish Relaxation, heh, I plan to blog, (check), lay out by the pool, (to which Jips said: That doesn't sound like Fermi!), and hang out with dogs.

I hung out with dogs a bit this morning. They are in the usual spring shedding process. I was scratching the rump of Dog 2, and hairs flew out into the air. It was so visible in the sunlight I was reminded of the Peanuts character who always had a cloud of dust around him. Was it Linus? I sat on the floor to pet the dogs because Dog 1 is having inflamed back disks again. The vet said we might have to have surgery if it happens again in 3 months, because Dog 1 is so young (5 yrs) and this has already happened twice. So Dog 1 is on steroids which cause him to pee and poop in the house even more than usual. And Dog 2 has been vomiting and farting TONS and TONS so our living/dining/kitchen room now is 90% urine smelling and 10% Dog 2 specialty-fart smelling. I sat on the floor because Dog 1 is not supposed to jump on the furniture with his back being bad, but he still does as often as he likes.

All of this: the dog hair, urine, and farting, compels me to clean the house. But that is in direct opposition to Goal 1: Relaxation. Fuck.

The same guy on the plane (mentioned in the last post) said to me: "You're Type A, aren't you?" I said, "I can see how I could be perceived in that way." While in my mind I thought: Who the hell are you to say I am Type A, you don't even know me, or anything about me! So I told my therapist about the previous conversation and she laughed and said I was Type A Plus. Extreme Type A. Both the therapist's confirmation and the plane guy got me thinking about how my graduate program is essentially a cult of Type A personality. There is a great deal of value-judgment based on how much and how hard you work. There are non-type A's, but these people (example: Chip) focus almost all of their energy on trying to appear to be working all of the time. The sad thing is that I felt the best about myself when I was prepping for my oral exam and at work all of the time. I really felt superior then. Which is fucked up because people who work all the time are not superior, they are just work-a-holics. And why do I care about being superior anyway? I just need to focus on being me.

It is scary how easily I can revert back to my factory settings. I was raised with the question: What did you DO today? which implied that the more accomplished = a better day. I went to alot of therapy in High School to change my focus to balance and peace. And now, I find myself in the position where I am surrounded by a small group of people whose default settings are like my own. And it was SO EASY to slip back into them. It is scary how easy it was.

This week I found myself in tears, because I lost who I was, and I lost who Jips and I were together. I was only my work. I am ready to be a stay-at-home mom TODAY. maybe that thought is inspiring my Goal 2: Meet with my Boss to insure a prompt graduation.

So the path back to Fermi starts through Goal 1: Relaxation. Even if I have to drag myself kicking and screaming to get there.

How do you spell neurosurgeon?

Careers. What are those?

My kids are doing a research paper on a career that they think would fit them. Some of the dumbest said they wanted to be neurosurgeons and some of the smartest wanted to be basketball players and models.

They have no clue, and all I could do was continue to emphasize that they are just looking into a topic that is interesting to them. But it also has to be substantial enough for a paper, so "model" isn't going to exactly fill out three pages, much the way they don't fill out anything else. Like an application for a real job?

It was a lot of "THIS COMPUTER ISN'T LETTING ME IN" and "THIS SURVEY IS TRYING TO PLAY ME." No, hunny. You just didn't type your birthday in right on the profile page. Gotta love the freshman. I do most of the time. But they are some not-listening fools.

I started a short story this weekend. This is a big deal for me because I've been struggling with the being-a-teacher-and-still-being-a-whole-person issue. I haven't been to dancing in six months and I'm intimidated about stepping back in to class all rusty. Even though no one would care but me. It's going to be painful to realize how much catching up my body has to do.

So I try not to talk about short stories when they're not finished because I'll inevitably tell people about what I perceive to be my great ideas, and then they sound cliche out loud, so I lose my excitement and drive of writing them. I'm afraid my grueling school schedule going to suck the steam right out of this one, but I'm still excited about it. It's about a young teacher crossing lines with a student. Not autobiographical or completely creative, but it will be wrought with conflict I tell you! I'm interested also in taking advantage of this period of weird "What is this adult life after college supposed to be like?" And how all of the old insecurities from way back get drudged up and you start comparing yourself to people again and wondering if your present matches up to your past hopes for yourself at this age. It's a cool time of self-discovery (Wrought with conflict). And in a story, if a character is in that state, she'd be doing things that she wouldn't normally do if she had a handle on what kind of person she was and what she would and would not decide in her life. This summer...a teacher and a student walk the line between friends...and something else! Ugh. See what I mean.

For the Tie-In, I'd like to state that In Conclusion, careers are confusing to one's identity.