Wacom Tablet Reloaded

What I meant to say yesterday. or WTF Katu WTF

Right. Working a ton. Not keeping up with people. That is what I intended to write about...

Do you remember Tino was working on a short story? Well I asked for it to read/edit/give comments and she sent it to me... I even started reading it, and editing some parts - making comments, etc. Perhaps all of you should know I just went through a phase of reading books about writing fiction. My favorite of the bunch is by Sol Stein: On Writing.

Anyway, so I am reading along--- 10 pages or so in- editing like crazy- and this was 3 weeks ago or so. Then life interrupts and I put it down.

never to return.

-Right Tino-- so I still have your one-third-read/one-third-edited short story... Do you want the first third? or should I wait to finish it? I was thinking wait to finish...

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What else? Skuh sent me this LOVELY personal email... and I put a ninja star on it (as my gmail is ninja themed) and never replied.
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Then one of my favorite academics who is just now starting her tenure track job far away tagged me on facebook in a note: 25 random things about me. I am supposed to write a list of random things. First of all, I hate the word random. It is overused by people who don't want to think of the appropriate descriptive word. After that we have a list of 25 things that people on facebook don't already know about me. I have no intention of making that list. You see, I have a bit of a popularity complex. I friend everyone just to get my friend number higher. That means I have tons of "friends." The way I see it-- if they don't know those 25 things about me already-- then I don't want them to find out with a chain-letter list. Now, Mrs. Favorite-Academic, sure I like her TONS, and I think I will send her the link to this secret blog of mine so that she can learn those 25 things in blog form. But have I told her this? Have I sent Favorite-Academic the link? Not yet. I am just that awesome at keeping in touch.

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And finally this blog- I haven't posted. This could be a good thing because it means I am using all of my time to work and sleep and walk the dogs and kiss the husband. It could be a good thing because life is peachy.

Until now.

I changed groups... And the group I joined happened to be Katu's group. Which is good because the Prof I work for is smart and she has money for lab supplies and plenty of work for us to do. But I was friends with Katu before and I wondered if it would affect our friendship. Guess what? It did.

Right so before I joined there was Katu and Pizza-Pan, the graduate students, a post doc and the Professor. Now there is Katu, Pizza-Pan, Nice-Girl, and me (the grad students), the same post doc and the Professor. Nice-Girl and I sit by each other and I (obviously by her name) am quite fond of her.

Now, Katu and I used to be lunch-on-the-weekend-friends. And lately Katu and Pizza-Pan go out to lunch together all of the time. But they don't invite me or Nice-Girl.

This is not a big deal itself. So this Friday I say to Katu: We never hang out anymore- let's have lunch this weekend. And she says: I don't know... my finances are kinda tight. I say we could bring lunches- but we change the topic...

Flash forward to this Sunday. Katu, Pizza-Pan, and I are working in the lab. Nice-Girl isn't around and neither is Postdoc. Then suddenly at lunch time- Katu and Pizza-Pan leave to have lunch together and even mention it to me when they get back.

WTF Katu. WTF!

So obviously, we aren't "friends" anymore in my book. Certainly not lunch-on-the-weekend-friends like we used to be.

So what could have happened?

(a) Katu's environment could have changed:
I think Katu feels like an older sibling when the mom just had a new baby. Katu used to be the smart and industrious one. And now, she is not the only one who is smart and industrious.

(b) Katu's vision of me could have changed:
She could be pissy because I openly LOVE working for our boss. I LOVE being at work and being in a lab that has money to be used for lab supplies. And she doesn't like research- she openly tells me- and I LOVE research. Before when we were friends- I was less happy: I was working for Catfish -without money for research supplies- with a broken instrument.

(c) It could be a combination of both. It could be that Katu isn't conscious of the fact that she has stopped opting into our friendship.

So right. It pissed me off. But writing about it has helped. And what else? It is okay. I have more friends than I need or can even keep up with. Katu was not the only friend. I can invest my time in other friends.

A 42 Family Town

I enjoy the month of December.
There is still plenty of cold weather ahead, it is Christmas Season, and I am filled with Hope for the upcoming year. December is also a time where I look back at the past year and think of all of my accomplishments. This usually involves writing a Christmas Update letter and sending Christmas cards out to my extended family and faraway friends.

It is Sunday, December 21st. I have already traveled to my vacation destination, and I haven't even started composing a Christmas letter.

Remember the post Probability of Order? That was vague, wasn't it? Right. Well, I did it- I made the change- the turbulence is over- I left my old boss's group.

What does that even mean!!!

Unless you are in pursuit of your PhD in the basic sciences, you probably don't immediately understand the significance of leaving someone's group. At the end of this post I have a link to some of my previous thoughts on my graduate situation where I compare it to Slavery in the Old South. Today I will use a different comparison.

My department is a small town where the popular pastime is gossiping about other people's business. The town consists of 42 families, but instead of houses, we live in one apartment complex composed of 3 buildings. The gossip flies faster in such a close proximity.

The research groups are polygamist families before any sort of feminist revolution. The boss is the husband and the graduate students are the wives. (Although husband and wife here are used only to indicate power, not gender.) Leaving my boss's group is equivalent to getting a divorce and getting remarried in this small town of 42 families. My old boss has now been divorced 7 times in the last 6 years.

The good news is: I am out. I am now in a new group lead by a woman who has been a professor now for 2 years. I am going to have to work 60 hours a week on a regular basis- but it will be toward something that will get me a PhD. And that is the goal.

I feel a big sense of peace with this change because I trust my New Boss "Alice" where as I did not trust the old boss "Catfish." Catfish had the following priorities:

1. Complain about life in general, esp. about home repairs, graduate students, and other families in our 42 family town.

2. Sculpting: Ordering rocks and staying home from work to have them delivered, getting graduate students to make illegal copies of sculpting videos at the library, giving chemicals from the lab to the sculpting teacher, making a mess in the lab by mixing chemicals and rocks, talking about sculpting.

3. Making money by not actually doing anything: This is Catfish's secret obsession. He likes to talk about how he invested 1000 dollars in this start-up company that is one of his student's thesis projects. My thesis project had me doing experiments that had already been published in 2002! Why did I have to do them? Because he had a patent on this idea (which was a dumb idea which will never make him any money) and he was sure that if I did the work for it he could start a company and make a profit. Right. Forget about doing something because it is good science. Catfish only wants to use science in hopes of making himself rich. What else?

4. Playing Solitaire and Hearts on his laptop. You know how with Windows the start menu shows the recent programs used the most? Right, well every week for group meeting we hook up Catfish's computer to the projector and give him our power point presentations to show. He inevitably clicks on the Windows start menu icon... and the 2 most used programs on his laptop (his only work computer BTW) are ALWAYS Hearts an Solitaire. (the thing is- not only is he not working- how can any semi-intelligent person be entertained by those games!!! Right- Catfish is not intelligent.)

5. Telling graduate students that they need to buy research supplies with money from their paycheck. Awesome. Did I mention that it is HIS JOB to provide research funding for us? Oh yeah- Solitaire is way more stimulating that writing grants or publishing papers. What else is his job? helping his students get their research published in scientific papers. The last time one of his students published a paper containing original research was in 2005. In a few days it will be 2009.

Okay enough of that-- How did I get out? Well my old thesis project was based on this instrument and it was broken when I got it and continued to get worse. Catfish didn't think it was ever broken so it took a long time for me to convince him that we needed to fix it. And finally after trying to fix it for a semester- I realized that it wasn't fixable. The instrument I am talking about is a prototype that never made it to market. There are 5 of them in the world- and they are composed of many "made to order" parts. So... right... but Catfish has a patent (see #3 above) so when I told him that I needed a new thesis project because I couldn't fix the instrument- he said no. And I found a new thesis project in a different group. (A socially acceptable reason to get a divorce.)

In my new group, my new boss, Alice has a different set of priorities:
1. Get research done
2. Publish papers
3. Write grants
4. Stay on top of the current science literature

I think I will be happy in my new family.
Merry Christmas to me.


Recommended reading: Yes Masta, Youse a Good Masta

Professional Follower

In the comments of the last post Novella asked if my sister could get professional help.

I need to explain more of the story.
In this post, Sister = S.

The root of the problem is not that my sister is too skinny, but rather that she is a Follower. We are all followers to some extent, but she is a Follower in the most extreme of ways. She Follows to the point of becoming brainwashed. She is 27, and so far I can count 3 wash cycles each of which last years.

The first wash started in High School. S was popular. The popular group was her group. You have to be somewhat brainwashed to be popular in high school. I guess I haven't read much about this topic because it is one of the more socially acceptable ways to not think. Someone once said that religion isn't the opium of the people, fashion is. In high school she told me that I shouldn't let my date drive me home if he was drunk. That was good of her to tell me, and one of the signs that her mind wasn't totally mush.

When popular high school girls go to college they do one thing: Join Sororities. And that is what S did. Until she quit a year later to join what I call "the sorority church."

The second wash setting is: Fundamentalist Non-denominational Christian. The Sorority Church was on the edge of our college campus, and provided for all of a Follower's needs. You aren't Saved unless you specifically ask Jesus into your heart. The only requirement for a good husband was that he has asked Jesus into his heart. You don't have to worry about discussing things like financial plans, children, or relationship needs before you get married because hell, whenever things that like arise you can pray about it, and Jesus will tell you what to do. You know that eating disorder you had in High School? Just "give it to god" and it will go away.

S married a Christian guy from the Sorority Church. They moved many miles away after college to a place where her Husband has a job and where she can go to graduate school to get her masters in counseling.

The third wash cycle is: Psyco Camp complete with Psyco Drugs. Away from the Sorority Church and the Harem of Followers she was "friends" with, S gets lonely. Lonely in the way that her husband is gone on trips for work 80% of the year, Lonely in the way that the Female Harem is gone, and Lonely in the way that everyone is when they move far away to a new city. But in Psyco Camp where she is being trained, she names her Loneliness: Manic Depression. She sees a doctor who gives her so much medicine (Psyco Drugs) that when she is taking it as prescribed she passes out and hits her head on the bath tub. She goes to the emergency room all the time now that she is in the new city far away. S is always having accidents. She starts smoking cigarettes. With five years now between the present and the Sorority Church she tells me that she maybe was brainwashed (at that time.) Praying looses its magic. She is taking tons of Psyco Drugs. My dad says to me: "I warned my kids about the illegal drugs, but didn't think to warn them about the legal ones." I have the feeling that her starvation is a result of her drowning her unhappiness in Psyco Drugs rather than an eating disorder. My dad says that her brain would work better if she wasn't so skinny.

I am not sure what the answer is.

Is there such a thing as professional help for a Serial Follower?

*Please note that I believe in Psyco Drugs when used properly. However sometimes they are used without really helping the patient. I judge this to be one of those times.*

Grad School or Grocery Bagger?

I didn't blog much last week because I was too busy waking up at an ungodly hour - walking to the train - taking the train downtown - and walking to school. Reverse and repeat for the way home. I thought that getting to work early would be good because I wouldn't get as sweaty on my way in. But I was wrong. Getting to work early is NOT good, (sans good.) I was overly tired all day which made me want to nap in the evening rather than walk the dogs, workout, spend time with the husband, or do any housework. Jips even said to me that early work might not be good because "the house and I need you." And it is so. Early work is not good. Eventually I bet I could get used to the hours, but then there is the problem of my obsessions. I cannot bring myself to leave work early even if I get there early. I just want to finish what I am working on, and it doesn't seem so bad to leave at the normal time, right?



Speaking of work, Mrs. Smoltz and I had dinner yesterday. She showed me that we make the same amount of money as someone who dropped out of high school and is bagging groceries at wall mart.* Damn. But then I say that we are getting paid to get an education and we will be making tons more than the wall mart bagger once we get out. And some people in grad school don't get paid. In our program, in science, they have to pay us something. Otherwise the graduation rate would be 5% rather than the 50% it is now. We have to put up with alot of shit. Maybe it is like that in every program, and maybe not.



Jips is our program's grad student president. That means he has meetings with the "popular" kids on the grad student council and he attends faculty meetings. The popular kids in grad school act like high schoolers. All they do is complain about how they don't get enough money for alcohol for their parties. Faculty meetings are full of professors complaining about email server changes and acting as obnoxious as possible. The Academic World is not the real world. Or maybe it is. What do I know?



Am I ranting? I need to do some cardio. I haven't worked out since Tuesday and I can tell. My muscles scream to me that they want to be worked.



Last week I decided I would try to eat healthier. I made some split pea soup and bought some raw spinach. I made "spinach salad" which means Spinach (80%), Greek Vinaigrette (10%), and Feta Cheese Chunks (10%). I was afraid of the split pea soup, but it isn't painful to eat, just a bit hum-drum. Finally, Frozen blueberries, Vanilla Light N Fit Dannon Yogurt, and Kashi Go Lean Crunch cereal on top. I thought it was good the first time I ate it. Now I am of the opinion that health food tastes like crap.


What did Jips get me for my birthday? Diamond Earrings. Yes. I know, he did well. They are special posts with screw on backs so that they won't fall out. Growing up I was not one of those girly-girls that was all about expensive jewelry. But the best husband in the world likes to give me pretty things. :) I bet I can adapt.

I leave you with the best political YouTube video yet.

* It is interesting that we make the same amount because Jips's maw-maw said that he could bag groceries when he decided to quit his first graduate program.

Imagine Body Image

I felt good about my body this morning, which is probably a result of the following:
a) lack of menstral cramps
b) lack of muscle soreness
c) being well rested with sleep
d) having my muscles rested as I did not exersize yesterday.

This is probably the first time all week that I have felt this positive about my physical self. Previously, I just felt rotten, but that is no longer the case.

The photos are from a UK online magazine. Now, I am aware that not everyone loves nakedness as much as I do, but I do love these photos. Primarily because it is a display of real nakedness without overt sexuality. Secondly because it shows what men want and what women want in terms of the female form. The result: Men like boobs and ass. I think I've heard this one before.

Living with an extroverted man, it is unmistakable that men like boobs. I felt the need to include both photos because in the top one you can clearly see that Anna has HUGE boobs.

This intrigues me because I lack the obsession with boobs that men have. To me, they are just a reproductive organ that I have yet to use. My face and legs and hands and brain are way more important to me. My face allows me to be silently expressive, my legs get me places, and my hands do everything.

I guess that is where evolution comes in. Men like women who have curves because the curves themselves are outward signs of fertility.

Now I mentioned before that this was from a UK magazine. It got me wondering what the national averages were for The United States. The average women's size in the US is a 14, and the men's size is a 44. This is from a quick google search resulting in : Average Clothing Size is WHAT? and Wonderquest.

EDIT: Please read Peacebone's (Peaches') comment in the comments section. Tres importantes!

Clint Eastwood is as much a part of our family as my out-law aunt

"Family" as a topic was not always peaking my interest. For young Fermi, life was family with a side of school. And at that time I was interested in relationships. I was afraid of divorce. I needed to know how to have a good relationship and not get divorced. Looking back now, I'm not sure where my divorce obsession came from other than the fact that I found it hard to trust people in general add my interest in relationships and you get divorce, betrayal, and cheating spouses.

Some time later, I am married to an incredible man who is my one, and when I think of the future it is of us with toddlers and then as old grandparents, and I think: He will most probably die first. Fuck.

Now my interest lies in family, specifically of the sort that you do not choose: Mothers, Fathers, Aunts, Uncles, Sisters, Brothers, Cousins, and Grandparents. Families and extended families interest me now because they are so different. Generally I see individual human beings as mostly being the same, but (biological) Families are a situation where there is a small pool of DNA that the individuals share. With this come tendencies, and tendencies can be influenced by environment so that you as an individual are "different" with your family (than with a group of randomly selected people) because their predispositions to certain behaviors tend to highlight and enhance those same inclinations in yourself.

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I mention this because tomorrow is the memorial service for my dead grandmother. I am going to see Aunts and Uncles and Cousins that I haven't seen in 8 years. I don't think I saw my (now dead) grandmother in the past eight years either. This side of my family is an anti-social bunch. I type that with a smile because even though I am looking forward to seeing these people, it seems perfectly normal for me to not see them very often.

This is the first time that my husband will be meeting most of them. Surprises are not my favorite things, so I tried to warn him about what it will be like. In this family we call the people who are married to the siblings, "the out-laws." And this is a perfectly accepted and embraced term. Looking back now, I believe the term origin came from the mix of "in-laws" with our usual activity of watching old Clint Eastwood films together. Do you feel lucky, punk?

One of the out-laws doesn't shave her legs, smokes, is a bit overweight, and is somewhat loud and abrasive. I like her alot, but I still cannot get over the fact that she doesn't shave her legs.

Mommy Porn

Can you tell that Jips is out of town from how often I have posted today?

heh.

I just read this: mommy porn. Check it out. I loved it mainly because I know people are different and not everyone wants to stay home with their kids. At the same time, some people are totally loving and patient and want to stay at home with the young'uns.

I also hate celebs. And cosmo. Maybe I don't hate those things. Let's say I just am not the type of person to get anything out of celebrities or cosmopolitan magazines. Maybe I get something from cosmo, On the weeks I read it I have more sex than the weeks when I read science blogs. That's obvious though: If I am prompted to think about sex I will have it more often.

I bring up celebrities because of the mommy porn link (above), and why the hell do I get cosmo? Well, mycokerewards.com has shittier than ever prizes now so I just signed up for all of these magazines that I can get for free. Should I order GQ? Should I? Popular mechanics? Magazines seem like such a waste of time, especially since they are from the corporate world with all of the truthless editing.

Reading blogs on-line that are not edited by big corporations trying to sell something I find to be much more enjoyable. Which brings us to the MOMMY PORN link. I love it because it is truthful. And because I have this elaborate plan of how I will be a stay-at-home-mom (SAHM) for 5-7 years and then go back to work. So what are your plans? Kids? No Kids? SAHM? working mom? How did your nanny/housekeeper thing work when you were growing up, Novella? Did the rest of you kids have SAHMs? Do you think you can do it all?

1930's Wife

I think it is easier to be a husband than a wife in the 1930's.
Take the Test.
*Please Note: for both tests, I just used "significant other" instead of husband or wife*

22 As a 1930s wife, I am Very Poor (Failure) Take the test!

88 As a 1930s husband, I am Very Superior Take the test!

too close to home

As Gayla just wrote, I invited 2 more girls to our blog. Gayla and someone else. Peachbone knows who. She just needs to send me her gmail alias and we will be set.

Peachbone and I have talked on the phone twice I think in the past week. This is kind of a big deal for me because I don't normally talk on the phone at all. But talking to Peach was really enjoyable. I guess it just means that I had some kick ass friends in college. And then I moved, and I guess I have friends here, maybe I don't prioritize spending time with them. Maybe I should.

That leads me into something my mom and I talked about... about moving far away from your family or staying close to home. I am the offspring of a "move far away" couple, and now I am also leading a "move far away" life. Some things are awesome about moving far away: I have met some incredible people. I guess it is my work that puts a damper on things. I can't really enjoy people like I did in college because I am always so busy, and now I also have other responsibilities like dogs and a husband.

I guess staying close to home is good if you like your parents and consider them to be decent people. Then when you reproduce, they can help you with taking care of the baby. Also you have a relationship that you can already trust.

Growing up in a "move far away" family, made me think that was the norm. And now, I look around and see so many people that stay close to home, it surprises me, I guess.

Helmet Head

This morning the boss sent out an email announcing that we would be having group meeting next week. Upon reading it, I was filled with dread. We haven't had group meeting since December 2007, and there is a consensus among the pee-ons in my group that everyone is better for it. In the fall of 07 I would get headaches every week, precisely on the night before group meeting. A great deal has changed since then; in the workplace I am a PhD Candidate, my research has taken off, and the paper has been published. Additionally I started working out and eating healthy again in January 08 and I attended weeks of therapy this spring to help me figure out how to deal with my boss. Right now, I have gotten over the lack of motivation following my oral exam, and I am pretty much at the top of my game. Even my relationship with Jips is better than it used to be. I think we are both independently happier than we were a year ago. I only have my experience with Jips in the "living with a significant other" arena, but I found that it takes some time to figure out how to live with someone. After two years, I am a pro at this as well.

Sooo, Group Meeting. CRAP.

I have been told that I am more peaceful now, and that I am strong, and that I will be able to handle life again. But I am uncertain. Maybe it will go okay. I don't know.

Imagine this situation:
Once a week you go sit in a conference room with your group and your boss hits everyone in the head with a frying pan (except the lazy golden child (not me)) at least once when they turn their head just the slightest bit. You do this every week for 1.5 years. Soon, even the mentioning of group meeting fills you with dread. This is where I am right now.

Maybe I have a helmet on now that I don't know about. We shall see.

All Hail Snail Mail!

Once every five years our department goes under the scrutiny of the External Review Committee. This is a group of professors from other universities, six to be exact, three of which were from schools in California. Anyway, they come to our school for 3 days and talk to everyone from undergrads to accounting for our department. Basically, they talk to everyone and write up a report of suggestions to make our department better. It seems like a good system to me.

Anyway, I was asked to be part of the graduate student group. So I talked to these professors for an hour on Wednesday... And on Friday I wrote each of them a thank-you note on cards depicting my school's seal or an artist's rendition of a landmark associated with my school. I mailed them on Friday, too. That is a fast turn-around time for me, and I am proud of it.


One of the things I learned in my Women's group is that people love getting hand-written thank you notes. Especially if they are a professor that you just met and talked to a little bit. They probably thought nothing of the encounter when it happened, and then magically they get this nice hand-written note in the mail! And suddenly you become their new favorite person. So I get a big check mark this week under the title: NETWORKING.

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Therapy ended. I knew this was coming, I just didn't know how abruptly it would happen. Actually my last visit was April 30th. She told me we had 3 more weeks. But during my session on April 30th, her husband was at work on a 20 foot ladder. And he fell off of the ladder. 20 feet down. He fucked up his back and now he is paralyzed from the waist down. She left work. I was her last client. She hasn't been back in over 2 weeks now. She was getting phone calls during our session about her husband, but at the time she silenced them. It is a little creepy thinking about that now.

I am not taking my "lack of therapy" very well. I feel like I am in mourning. Like I lost one of the best things in my life. I lost my connection with the world beyond grad school. I lost my fake mom. That is why I made my list of positive things, to counteract the negative things in my head. I don't have much motivation. I am beginning to get scared of people. I am making myself start my day with 30 minutes of Elliptical. If I do that I have a good day. If I don't, I have a bad day.

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On a lighter note. My sister's birthday is this month.
I just made my Amazon purchase to be shipped to her house.
Her gift is the following:
1) I like you, by Amy Sedaris
2) Girls of Riyadh, by Rajaa Alsanea

Yes Masta, Youse a good Masta.

Things I am learning in Graduate School
1. My boss has 100% of the power in our relationship, I have 0%.
There is nothing I can do to change this.
2. My boss will do things that (he thinks) will benefit him.
3. My boss does not care about me (or the other graduate students in our lab.)
4. My boss cannot admit that he is wrong.

I have been told that in graduate school in the sciences, the group is like a family. There is the (Principle Investigator (PI) / boss / professor) who is the parent. The graduate students are the children, and post-docs fill the nanny / babysitter role.

In reality, comparing a research group to a family is total bullshit.
In a family, parents love and look after their children. Because of this love, there is some sharing in the power structure. The parents will listen to their kids and take the children's reasonable and healthy desires into consideration.

There is no LOVE in a research group. A research group is much more like a plantation in the old south. The boss is the plantation owner, and the grad students are the slaves.

If you were a slave in the old south, you might be fortunate enough to end up on a plantation with a kind and moral owner. But you could also be unlucky and end up with an insecure and unethical slave owner. Guess whose plantation I live on?

My theory is that younger professors (read assistant and associate professors) are in general kinder than old professors. Older = more shitty. This could be because power corrupts.

So in this 100:0 power situation, what do you do if you are the slave and your boss is unethical, lazy, and self-centered? You either say "Yes, Master" or you leave. Leaving can mean running away to another plantation, or running away to the North. (North = Quitting Grad School)

How does a first year graduate student find a good group? I tell them that you cannot trust people's opinions, but you can trust numbers. Ask for numbers. Here is an example:

In the Past Four Years:
1) Average number of slaves on plantation: 4
2) Number of runaway slaves: 6
3) Number of slaves earning their freedom (PhD): 1

Does that sound like a family that you want to belong to?

endearing when you're young

Traveling back home, my mom and I sat next to a stranger on the plane.
He asked me: "What motivates you? What drives you? What causes you to get up in the morning and go to work?"

I didn't know. I still don't know.

I am still burnt out from my Oral Exam. I go to work and fiddle around the lab. I am even fixing our water purification system, but my heart isn't in it. At the end of the day I cannot wait to leave. I daydream about reading philosophy and history and behavioral psychology. I daydream about blogging.

I have been thinking about intimacy lately. Novella mentioned that singing is intimate. I started to explore in my mind other intimate but non-sexual things. When I used to babysit I was always amazed at how ready for intimacy the kids are. They would just curl up in my lap ready for a story to be read to them. So lap-sitting and story-reading can be intimate things, although I can imagine situations where they are not so intimate.

So what does it take for something to be intimate? Is it any less intimate when a rock star sings than when I sing? I think so. The rock star has already whored himself out to the world. Maybe doing something for money removes the intimate element.

Looking at someones music collection can be intimate. It can show you pieces of the person that you did not know existed. Maybe intimacy is about knowing and allowing yourself to be known without any ulterior motives. Is intimacy about feeling?

And finally, some nice quotes:

Being a fuck-up with a good heart is endearing when you're young; if you've not changed by the time you hit your late twenties, well, you're probably just pretty much a fuck-up, and eventually, you become annoying.
-Mark Richardson in a review of The Replacements

Sure, religion saves lives. So does tobacco -- ask those GIs for whom tobacco was an even greater comfort than religion during World War II, the Korean War, and Vietnam.
-Daniel C. Dennett in Breaking the Spell

A Different Kind of Valentine

It has been exactly one month since the chocolate candies, red roses, sappy cards, and heart pendants left the storefront windows. A month since every fine dining restaurant in every major city was booked full for dinner, and tables were set with candles and roses. Meals were 6 courses and bottles of champagne and wine were flowing like water. And every man in America felt the need to make the evening special for his woman.

The constant battle of "Valentine's Day-- the romantic holiday" vs. "Valentine's Day-- the Hallmark holiday" is not the subject of this post. Rather, a few years ago, a friend of mine introduced me to a movement that has been considered Valentine's twin brother. The idea is that your man put every effort into making Feb 14 special for you, making reservations at your favorite restaurant, wracking his brain for the perfect gift, and taking you home at night for the most passionate love-making you could imagine. So, it's payback time. It's your turn to put out the effort and show him that you love and appreciate him every ounce as much as he does you.

But what do men want? Not flowers or candies or sappy cards (though neither do I, but that's a whole different story). No, it's no secret what men love. And so the site was created, www.steakandbjday.com to spread the word that men themselves deserve a day of pampering. I think it's pretty self explanatory about what they might want instead of flowers and candy.



I find the whole idea amusing. I don't really buy into the whole Valentine's Day thing, but it sure is nice to get taken out to dinner and to spend the night remembering why you chose to be with the person you are with and how much you both really care. I do love the designated day to be pampered and adored, even though I recognize how commercial it is. This year's Valentine's Day was particularly wonderful for me. He took me to and incredible dinner, which we dragged out for hours, drinking wine and enjoying each other's conversation, while being constantly reminded of how perfect our love is. And with that in mind, I do like the idea of making a day special for him too. Whether it's specifically a steak and a blow job or just cooking his favorite meal and spending time doing the things that he loves to do, I think he deserves the same effort and affection that he gave me just one month ago. I'm pretty sure mine's going to "settle" for a steak and a bj, but I do encourage you to take the time to think about what yours might want, and pick a day to make special for him.

Disclaimer: I know this is very un-PC to make this specifically for a man and woman, it is just so much easier to write that way. The whole idea obviously goes for any two people, or three people, or ten people who want to take a pause from day to day life and remind each other how much they care.

A Room of My Own

My kids wrote a descriptive essay describing their bedrooms. It was interesting--after I finished reading them all, I thought about how most teenagers have a little kind of cool haven where they hunker down to live out the droning lonely complicated time that is high school. It's also a place where you shamelessly put all of your identity onto your wall--or the identity you either think you should have or that you want.

The kids all called this room "theirs" and "the only place I own in the house" even though that's a straight up lie because they're all 14 and jobless. But it's like they need a little safe space to curl up because they're not quite ready to not be a kid and it's like their rooms are outside reality.

It made me think of a few things.

1. When I was a teen, I didn't spend time in my room except to sleep, and I shared it with my sister. I tried putting things up on the walls and on a shelf, but it never looked all that great and it never felt like the stuff reflected my personality very well. I carry these same Feng Shui insecurities into adulthood. Also, I was envious of people with cool rooms--I can remember one friend in middle school just had a shitty little room with a daybed, an old dresser, and two desks, but her room felt like her--a whirlwind of life, busyness, and cool people. And boys. And then there were the people with the artsy rooms. I still envy them. But I do have a nice yellow living room, at least.

2. I'm curious about other couples who live together. What happens when you go from having two rooms to one? My boyfriend and I now share a room that's pretty much a bed, night tables, bookshelf, and a dresser (with paint and pictures). But I have all my clothes in the guest bedroom because I get dressed early in the morning, and he's got his computer and music stuff in this room thing that we call "the office." So we still have our own spaces, in a way. What do other people do?

3. Does this my-room-as-my-little-haven thing go away as we get older? Do we start to deal with life in a way that we don't need to curl up with our band posters and YA series praying that we're not boring but we're not the only ones like us? Maybe homes start becoming more like places to relax than hide or escape.

I still like band posters and YA series, though.

did the word "penis" make the list?

Tino: GREAT post. I will respond to it in depth later.

I bet the answer to the Harry met Sally question is this:
It depends on the people involved.

Of course, this answer is no fun, but let's think of it this way:
Make two lists, one for the qualities you want in a best friend, the other for qualities you want in your ideal romantic partner. Now, the degree of correlation between the two lists determines the probability of you thinking of a friend as a potential sex partner.

Back to the original question:
Can two singles of opposite sex be "friends" in the way that neither of them ever think of the other as a potential sex partner? The answer is yes if the friend list and partner list have no correlation. And the answer is yes if they are both in denial about wanting to fuck each other.

Of course people can choose not to act on feelings. But I don't think that is what this question is really about.

I'd give him...a 5?

I love When Harry Met Sally so much. And this is a fascinating topic.

I think maybe relationships are like a continuum. Like different degrees of closeness to a person. If we're talking about romantic possibilities, then "stranger" would be zero and "spouse" would be ten, in terms of closeness.

So does sex "get in the way?" Well, if you have it with someone, you'd certainly skip a few numbers. If you don't, then your "closeness" to that person can still be somewhere on the continuum.

I think one question is: can we (single people) handle the idea that we're attracted to someone (another single) and still be his/her friend? I think yes, if s/he is worth being friends with and your friendship functions. Then if both parties want to take it up a few notches to a sexual/romantic relationship, then it runs its course there and you either break up or end up staying together. And if one party doesn’t want to take it to a sexual level, then it keeps going at the level that it is. If the “I’m in love with you” partner can’t handle a platonic friendship, then you end up broken up like you would after a failed romantic relationship. (I think friendships have “break ups” pretty often. I’ve had a few with some girls.)

Can we handle knowing that someone is attracted to us and still be friends if we don’t like them “that way”? Yes, if we aren't sending mixed signals. Anyone who is reading more into “friendship” than there is just requires a simple “this is what we are” conversation. (And shame on people who lead a person on to use his affections as an ego boost, on a side note.)

Can we handle the idea that someone we are attracted to doesn't like us back "that way," but we are still friends? If your ego can handle that, then why not be friends?

I guess my thesis is that hetero men and women who are both single CAN be friends with each other. Sure, there are some complications as with any relationship (platonic, romantic, family, etc.), but those complications only extend as far as how much people’s egos are wrapped up in what other people think of them.

If, for instance, you can’t handle the idea that someone would want to be friends with you but not want to sleep with you, then you might be setting yourself up for some difficulties in friendships with the opposite sex, since there are surely to be people in the world who like you but don’t want to get it on with you.

Similarly, if you are friends with someone who appreciates your friendship and ALSO wants to sleep with you even though you don’t want to sleep with him, then somebody’s going to just have to be disappointed in that situation. And then he gets over it, and he can either take your friendship for what it is, or leave it.

On a slightly different but still related topic:

It all comes down to acceptance—acceptance of people how they are right now, at face value, in all of their current behaviors, and acceptance of yourself and your role in your relationships.
And then once you accept the way a relationship is, then you make the choice of whether you want to stay or leave (friendship or sig. other). Since there’s (unfortunately) no such thing as convincing someone to be in love with you, or to be out of love with you, for that matter. And there’s for damn sure no way to make someone be a better person for you to date.

Too many people want to try to fenagle the relationships they are already in instead of taking them or leaving them for what they are--probably because it is really scary and awkward to break up with someone and cut them out of your life. It just is. I've made this very long and drawn-out fenagling mistake myself.

Similarly, some people are scared to start relationships at all because they could potentially lead to a scary and painful break-up or (even scarier to some) a life spent in partnership with only that one person.

But one thing's for sure, "putting yourself out there" will, at some point, lead to an ego bruise of some kind. It's a risk no matter how interested the person is. I think, however, that it is totally worth it, and that life hands out ego bruises all the time that we have to accept and grow from (and simultaneously not allow to crush our entire self-images).

But yeah, single guys and girls can be friends, I think. If both parties want to take it to a sexual level, then they do, and it moves into a relationship status that either runs its course smoothly or ends in firey tragedy. But if one party doesn't want it to be sexual, then it won't be, and both can be accepting of that and continue to be friends.

Now, fuck buddies, or "friends with benefits"...there's a topic that's more shaky.

A dead horse

I just moved into a new house and we don't get the internet set up for a few more days. In my absence yall have nearly exhausted the When Harry Met Sally topic, but regardless, here's my input...

I am what some people call a serial-dater. I have spent roughly 2 of the past 10 years as a single woman. This is not out of insecurity or a compulsion to constantly have a man in my life, but rather a series of unfortunate circumstances that I have only recently come to realize are no one's fault but my own. (This can be addressed at a later date.)


With that said, I understand that my perspective on things may be skewed because I have pretty much always been "taken", and in most of my experience, others have seen me that way too. (So, this may be an example of "married" person A and single person B). However, I have had very little trouble establishing completely platonic relationships with a number of guys. This is not to say that I have completely avoided the awkward experiences of one-sided crushes, rather that they are infrequent in comparison to the healthy friendships I have cultivated.

I do firmly believe that you can be friends with someone of the opposite gender with no romantic feelings from either side. However, perhaps this belief of mine can be explained in the scenarios that have already been presented.
1. The "taken" phenomenon
2. When I look at my closest girl friends... girls I have known and loved since I was 12... girls I have grown and matured with and who know me as well (or better) than I know myself and vice versa-- even if they were guys, I would not want to date them. What I am looking for in a partner is not necessarily what I have formed with them... So, perhaps my "quality lists" don't overlap as much as some others'.

So, we come full circle to what all of us probably already knew before this topic even came up... I guess it just depends on the person...

In a related subject... Anyone have any insight into the "friends with the ex" issue? Possible? Not possible? Sure, sure, it depends on the person, but I have recently found myself having the conversation with friends, both male and female, and there seems to be a distinct contrast between the responses. Just looking for a few more opinions.

Fight to the death: Sexer VS Sexie

This Post is in Response to peacebone's post (Below).

Definitions:

The Sexer: wants to fuck.

The Sexie: does not want to fuck The Sexer.

Can a single guy and a single girl have a truly platonic friendship? No. The friendship can exist, but one of them (The Sexer) will want to have sex with the other one (The Sexie) most of the time. The Sexer may be the boy one month, and the next month perhaps the girl is The Sexer with the boy being The Sexie. If both the boy and girl happen to be The Sexer at the same time, then a sexual relationship will most likely come out of the friendship. But there is another option. Let’s say they both want to jump each other but they are both too inhibited (by social or experience or cowardice factors) so they don’t. In this case they are both Sexers, but they remain friends because they lack the balls to do anything else.

Let’s examine another case.

Given:

Husband A and Wife A are married.

Husband B and Wife B are married.

Both marriages (A and B) are healthy. Both sets of couples are actually in love with their spouse(s) and are devoted to their spouse(s) and their marriages.

Then let’s say that Husband A and Wife B work together. Can they be platonic friends at work? (Meaning that they are friendly and like to talk to each other at work but only do anything outside of work together on really rare occasions: less than once per year) Yes, they can be platonic friends in this case.

If you have a gay man and a straight girl, they can be platonic friends.

What if you have some other combination? One married couple (Husband A and Wife A) and then you have Single Girl C. Can Single Girl C be friends with Wife A? Of course! Can Single Girl C be friends with Husband A? Yes, but the friendship will not be as relaxed as it would be if Single Girl C was married. In other words: Sex does get in the way a little, but most people are able to ignore this.

If you have any other combination, sex will get in the way a little, in different degrees. How the parties handle these sexual urges determines how real the friendship is.

Now that I am married, (And everyone knows it) it is much easier for me to be friends with men who respect marriage. If I happen upon men that do not respect marriage I stop talking to them. (This is a story for another post.) But still, the “friendships” I have with these guys are very light. They are nothing compared to the friendship I have with my husband. But I am also sleeping with my husband, so sex doesn’t get in the way for us, it enhances our friendship. Since I have been married, I have gotten alot closer to Jips in a way I was not able to predict. Working through life problems together, being a family, and being totally secure in our future together changes and enhances our relationship.

How does my friendship with my husband compare to the best girl friendship I have ever had? It is close, but I am closer to my husband. Sex makes us closer, he knows the whole sexual side of me that my best girlfriends don’t know, but at the same time, he also knows me similarly to the way my girlfriends know me.

I am closer to my husband but my girl friends are still incredibly important to me.

I was friends with a boy for years, and now that I am married he won’t talk to me AT ALL.

And then a different boy, wouldn’t talk to me at all until he found out that I WAS married.