Woe to the Woah

At my University it was the first week of classes. I am auditing one class this semester about macromolecular structure and it is very interesting. Sitting in class feels like a treat! It is also a bit odd as I am constantly reminded of how I know almost nothing about Biochemistry. This is a new feeling because I selected my focus before my senior year of college and from my senior year until now (my 3rd year of grad school), all of my courses have had some overlap and they became second nature to me. Now, sitting in a course I know nothing about, I consistently guess incorrectly (out loud and in my head) and this is a new thing for me. I am about 10 for 10 of incorrect in class answers. This is doing wonders for my self- esteem. ;)



The most thought provoking incident of the week occurred on Thursday. I lead a Women in Chemistry group of graduate students, and we were asked to hold a breakfast and lunch for a seminar speaker. The speaker is a smart soft spoken woman who works at a national lab. She is only 1.5 years out of graduate school so her point of view was really applicable to my group.

Having lunches with professional PhD women is one of the most common activities of my Women's group. The goal of these lunches is to rejuvenate and inspire us, to provide us glimpses of careers of our futures, and to provide us with positive female role models. The funny thing was that after this breakfast-lunch combo, at least 50% of my group were either crying or thinking of crying and wanting to quit graduate school. ... Mission Accomplished.

I wasn't crying, but I felt the same way. Jips asked me: What did she say to make you all so upset? I thought about that and I thought about the underlying assumptions that we had about our future life that made the speakers talk such a rude awakening. I came up with a few reasons for our woe.

Reasons for Woe
1. College is Awesome. For most of us, college is the first time (that we think) we are treated as adults. We go to class, have a part time job, workout, and hang out with friends. The thing about college is that you have a TON of free time. Well, I had a TON of free time because I never took 18 hours in one semester. But the sad truth is: college is nothing like real adult life. The truth is that most Americans work very hard at their jobs, and college educated Americans (more often than not) work more than 40 hours a week. This in itself is a shocker if you think college is the begining of your adult life.

2. Most women in my group came to get their PhD straight out of college. Our graduate program requires more than 40 hours a week for the first two years. Add to that the emotional toll of our peon status of graduate students, the fact that we make as much as a wall-mart grocery bagger, and you get some weary kids. One girl told me this: You know what our problem is? We liked Chemistry in college, so we got fooled into thinking that graduate school was a good idea. And now we are stuck in this 10 foot deep cylinder of shit that we can't get out of. Perhaps I embellished that a bit. Regardless, it is true. Getting a PhD in Science can suck ass, especially in the first 2 years when the demands are high.

Enter our speaker who said:
-I thought I worked hard in grad school, but now I work so much harder and I am so much busier.
-I work five 10 hour days, and then about five or six hours on Sunday. I feel like I get to see my husband all the time because we go running every night after work, and on Saturday we sleep in and then run errands together.

To someone who is barely holding on now in grad school, this sounds like a bleak future.


From Woe to woah.

I thought about this some more, and it does seem true that most educated people in America work hard at their jobs. So why should I look forward to my future?

1. My Peon Status won't last forever. Feeling like an expert at work rather than a slave has got to do wonders for the enjoyment you can get out of your job.

2. Everyone in America works hard, but I will be getting paid a large amount of money for the work I do.

3. I will probably be working with other highly educated adults. This has got to beat being a first grade teacher, or waiting tables.

4. I like science, research, development, and optimization. When I was in undergrad, a grad student in the lab where I worked told me: You would probably like grad school because you really like research. That helps me even now. I do LOVE research, and focusing on the science and how cool it is helps me like my job now, and will probably help in the future.

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So why do I have a photo of the guy with a power tool? Cause I learned how to drill this week! My research has required me to do a construction project and it is awesome. I am going slow (Because I have never built anything before.) But so far my project looks good and very sturdy. So I am enjoying work a ton this week.

my ass feels like i'm gonna die

make that my ass and back and shoulders.

On Monday, I did a wee bit too much of teh exercise.
Today I took a nap.

Earlier today I felt like quitting graduate school. Not only am I completely disillusioned with Academia, but I also feel that I lack the enthusiasm I once had for my subject. Now, there is a possibility that this disregard for my work stems from my overall state of being sleep deprived and sore. While there exists an equal likelihood that my spiritless state has arisen from the purgatory known as My Graduate Program.

I fantasize about being a stay at home mom. I daydream of having four kids. (In reality, I know we will probably end up with 2.)

Postsecret from Sunday:

I am weary of this stage of my life.

warp speed. engage.

Lard, you miss a week's time of group bloggy and your ass is left in the absolute dust!
Just know I have been completely and somewhat unpleasantly busy going to summer school and twerking at the Noble. I am starting my teacher certification program and already I have destroyed (in a good, passing kind of a way) two exams. I've also been working on finishing my grad school application mini-essays. The mini-essay that has been giving me the biggest run for my money is the one about what I want to research once I am there . . . I'm totally at a loss. I've never -- even for a little bit -- considered what I might want to write a thesis about. But, I am thinking about it now, and I've come to accept that the answer to this question is simply not going to come to me as easily as some of the other ones. The most frustrating part about this application process is that I have allowed doubt and questioning to color how I feel about writing in general, and my writing in particular. I always kind of assumed that something would come of my writing, but now I'm not sure if I've got the proverbial chops for it. Though something in me thinks that it'll take many years to determine if that's true or not.
Writing woes aside, I want to go to grad school. I want to be gone from Lafayette and I want, whenever the time comes for me to leave, to be headed to Iowa. And I have every intention of manifesting this experience in my life. It's not long at all until I head on over to visit. Fermi, I saw on your map that you've visited Iowa and I remember you telling me a little bit about what you thought. I'd like to hear more, if you'd be willing to share.

On a side note . . . there's this boy in one of my classes this summer. I think he is cute and interesting, though a little over-zealous at times. He's engaging and exotic and suggests the possession of a sense of humor. He used to sit behind me diagonally, but switched seats to "experience the class from a different perspective." He incidentally landed himself next to me, a few aisles over. We even talked and walked together for a little while after class today and he let me use his cell phone. Like a dunce, I didn't formally introduce myself. Like a fool, he forgot to do the same. I get the impression that he may want to spit that holla juice, but am prone to doubting myself with such affairs. Sometimes flirting with flirtations is more fun than relationships of actual substance. Flirtations never disappoint and impale like actual involvements can and do. I still can't help but wonder if either one of us will ever grow a pair before summer ends and plan a rendez vous for coffee?