Self Portrait with Corn

I used to have a drawing blog which I have since deserted. One of my husband's friends commented that he checks my old drawing blog every day in hopes of me making a new drawing. That is a bit sad- but it explains where all of my traffic comes from...

Anyway- that comment inspired me to draw tonight. And here it is: Self Portrait with Corn. Obviously I am the orange lady. Do you like that groovy hair flip I have going on? This weekend I saw a black woman with short hair flip it up to one side. A-symmetrical they call it. No, in real life my hair doesn't actually look like that.

And then you see my students-represented by the blue piranhas sucking the life-blood out of me and carelessly spilling it on my clothes-and face-and hair. Damn students! Stop sending me a million emails and complaining about 2 point deductions! I have research to do! (And lives to save.)

To my right you see The Corn, and between us: wedding bells. This is supposed to be representative of the fact that my new boss "Alice" just got engaged. Well- he asked her- I bet on valentines day- and they got the ring later. A beautiful diamond ring. And since he asked her on VDay- he is depicted as corn. And since diamonds are impossible to do justice to in the 2D form in which my art lives-- we have the bells.

What these two things really represent I think is the fact that I am looking forward to having lunch with my new boss "Alice" tomorrow at the semesterly "Take-A-Prof to Lunch" event that my university holds. I have asked around-but little is known about Alice- or her Fiance. They both have tattoos. It is interesting to me that such a superficial observation is all that my lab mates have gleaned about them. But this will all change tomorrow at lunch when I discover the life of my new boss, my favorite professor.

white-knuckling it

I met with my faves Professor (she's totes adorable, organized and actually models the behaviors she encourages us to practice as teachers) today to talk to her about my options in terms of becoming certified. She said that it would be in my best interest to finish the program at UL since I will be almost finished by the end of this semester and will have much lighter course loads in the spring and summer and, therefore, have more time to work. I signed up to take the PLT (the last of my Praxis tests) and will be ready to start student teaching or an academic internship in the Fall.
I trust her opinion and respect her advice. She said that I was setting myself up for success in getting certified in both German and English (and suggested that I might consider getting certified in another foreign language, like French or Spanish, to make myself more employable). But she cautioned me to get in touch with the contact at the Student Teaching Office now so that he'll have more time to scrounge up a German teaching position for come August.
EXHALE . . . Ok. I'm really doing this. Powers that Be: please help me hang in there for a few more months and pretty, pretty please let there be a teaching position available somewhere not awful.

TFA is short for: Shot in the FACE

I can feel it: the obsession creeping in. I am checking MY OWN BLOG multiple times a day to look for comments and new posts.

Skuh asked me why I said TFA is the devil. The reality is that I just like to make outlandish claims without any substance to them. I don't know that much about Teach For America, but these facts make me distrust them:

1) they are an organization with lots of propaganda
2) you can write the TFA experience on your resume
3) their target age group = college kids

Organizations and Cults love to target college kids because often times college kids don't want to grow up and they don't know what they will do with their lives. College kids are legal-for-labor and they don't always place a high value on their time. The exploitation opportunities are endless.

Skuh, I know you aren't doing TFA so you can write it on your resume. But that will be the focus of the people you will be working with. You were an English major so you might not know how annoying pre-meds are. People who are too focused on resumes are a bitch to be around because they lack something that most other people have: a soul.

I am naturally distrustful of organizations especially if there is propaganda involved. From what I have heard, TFA does not tolerate any negative talk about TFA. Personally, I like the truth and I like free speech. TFA likes to smite the truth.

And finally, if you join TFA you may be shot in the face by one of your students.

Check the links:
Feministe: Why I Hate Teach For America
(read the comments on Feministe, too)
Philadelphia Rain
Loving to Hate Teach for America
How I Joined Teach for America-- and got Sued for $20 million

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Did yall watch the new HOUSE Tuesday?
If so you will love LOL House, courtesy of J-Money.
It is really funny! Scroll down to see the pics.

Goal 1: Control the Universe

The 1992 graduate asked me who I worked for, and when I told her she scrunched up her face in disgust. I smiled and said "yes."

"Maybe he's changed." She said.

"He hasn't. The person who told me I should work for him got fired the year I joined."

"That was the same thing that happened to my friend who worked for him." she said.

---------------

Now in my third year, my boss is not the problem. He isn't going to fire me, because right now, I am more valuable to him than he is to me. On top of that, I have learned how to deal with him. I don't stress out about group meetings or seeing him.

The problem is now internal and personal. Personal because my house is a mess, and I have to study organic on my down time rather than clean my house. Internal because I feel like I haven't done anything worthwhile in the past 2.25 years.

I know it isn't true. I have a paper published in a journal where "only experts in the field" publish. I won a teaching award. I have led the revival of my Women In Science group for the past year growing our membership from 5 to 45. I passed my oral exam and all of my PhD qualifiers.

But I have not made a scientific contribution to my field. In reality this is mostly because of (1) choosing to work for an older advisor who has had several bad ideas that I had to entertain. and (2) bad luck, old instruments, lack of funding. I am certain that I am not alone in my current status of lack of contribution. A professor I respect got his whole thesis out of the last 6 months of the 6 years it took him to get a PhD. In fact, most people I know (haven't/hadn't) done anything worthwhile (at this point in their PhD education.) I guess I feel frustrated because Katu, a friend that I respect, HAS done worthwhile work.

To further Analyse the situation:

• Katu works longer hours than me, and she probably works harder than me 85% of the time
• Katu works for a young professor who has good ideas
• Katu does not have a paper in the esteemed journal that I have one in
• Katu hasn't led the Women In Science group
• Katu hasn't won a teaching award
• Katu has passed her PhD qualifiers
• Katu doesn't exercise regularly or have dogs

I guess I am only bothered because she is further along in getting the degree, but she is not further along in being the total person that I want to be.

I ask myself: Would I trade my accomplishments for Katu's? The answer is no. I just want it all. And that brings us to the truth: that you really can't have it all. Life is a trade off, and with each thing we choose we discard a different choice.

So I guess the answer is: focus on the positive. I am the person that I want to be except for the fact that I'm not omnipotent.

Fresh Air

I am unsure of what it is about the quality of the first cool spell in Louisiana that reminds of being a bright-eyed Freshman at LSU. I just remember being excited and scared about being another face awash in a sea of faces. The cool air caused me to be on my toes and expect the unexpected that was assuredly waiting just around the bend. Sometimes I wish I could go back to that time that was inexplicably more exciting than now, but then I come to my senses and realize that it's always better for me to be where I am than where I was.
I am well into the semester and pleasantly surprised at how dedicated I am to the program. Usually by this time in the semester, I would have already begun to slack and pull my just-barely-keeping-up tricks out of my bag. This time around, not surprisingly, I am schooling with a renewed sense of purpose, cause I need a fuckin job, y'all! So, I am feeling good and that -- although it'll take a lot of work and hustle to keep up with everything -- I will do just fine. I don't know when I'll be done, though, which is a bummer. I've been assuming all this time that I would be done by the end of the Spring semester. I have been, sadly, mistaken and now don't know when I'll be done. Regardless, I don't think I'll be moving out of state in the Fall. Sad face. Oh well . . . hopefully I'll at least be able to move out of my parent's house, if not Lafayette all-together. Cross your fingers for me, please.
I started teaching an ACT Prep Course at SLC and I seriously don't know what I'm going to do about the Math section, seeing as I haven't even thought about studying Math since I tested out of Calc WAY back when. I'll just have pull some of those tricks out of my bag. Any tips are welcomed . . .

light my fire

We had group meeting this week. The Boss said that we have funding through a side project. This lowers the chance that I will be teaching in the fall down to 5%. Instead, I will have to dedicate one day a week to doing lab work that is not related to my thesis. This is a much more productive situation than teaching. Teaching would have taken at least 2 full days a week, and would have emotionally drained me (see obsessions.) I like teaching and I generally like college kids, but teaching does not help me graduate sooner therefore it is less desirable.

The fire alarm went of in the main building. We find out later that someone spilled hexane and thought that the best way to clean it up would be to evaporate it with a blow-torch. This idea was incredibly STUPID because hexane is very flammable and guess what happened: The whole bottle of hexane caught fire, the fire alarm and sprinklers went off, and since our buildings are brilliantly designed without drain systems the sprinklers flooded the floor below and killed someones personal laptop while everyone was outside for the fire alarm.

The story was leaked first and we wondered: Who would be stupid enough to use a blow-torch to clean up hexane? Maybe it was an old research scientist who was so experienced in the lab that he was too cocky to be logical. Maybe it was an REU student (Research Experience for Undergraduates Program) who had never been in a lab before. But we were wrong. It was the first year Token.

Maybe Token isn't cut out for grad school. He was failing his classes but wanted to stay (I found out later) and then he goes and pulls this blow-torch shit. His boss rightly dismissed him from his research assistant position, and now no one knows what will happen to him. I mean grad school sucks for everyone, but Token has had an especially bad year.

Obsessions

The people that know me know that I have a slight problem with obsessions. I get obsessed with things and I am compelled to live my life around the obsessed thing until I either get too exhausted by the whole thing and/or I get obsessed with something else. The compulsions involve thinking about the thing constantly, dreaming about it when I sleep, talking about it excitedly to anyone who will listen, and maybe pursuing it somewhat with my actions. This may annoy Jips. I am not sure what my girl friends think of it. Here is a list of some things I have been obsessed with in the past 2 years:

1. Teaching.
2. Making puff-paint and pom-pom and sequin decorated sweatshirts in a Christmas theme and having an ugly sweatshirt holiday party.
3. Live Local Music.
4. Winning free things.
5. My work.
6. Exercising.
7. Baking cakes from box cake mixes.
8. The chicken club quesidilla from Moe's.
9. Blogs

And this is just the past 2 years. I am sure there are many more that I have forgotten about.
So currently, I am obsessed with my work again, and the email from my boss didn't say this, but with our current funding (or lack-there-of) situation, I will probably have to teach this fall. So now I am obsessed with teaching again, too. Really, I am more obsessed with what pants-shitting-inducing things I will tell the kids on the first day to keep them in line for the entire semester. So I go over in my head what I will tell them.

I have taught so many semesters already that I have had the chance to start a semester by making the kids think I am a royal bitch on the first day, or being myself on the first day. So one day of "royal bitch" made the whole semester totally enjoyable. But when I was just normal on the first day in a different semester it was shitty as hell.

Mouthwash for Lunch

toothpastefordinner.com

Comic from March 21, 2008 if you look in the archives:

This comic brings up two things. Feminism and the government. Lately I have been looking at alot of different blogs and I found some interesting themes:

Feminism (by anyone)
Politics (by anyone)
Teaching k-12 (by teachers)
Academic (nameless professors writing about stuff)
Mom-Blog (by moms about kids/family)
Overweight People

First of all, I don't understand why political blogs are so popular. Sure, the way our nation is run is the one thing that unites all Americans... And Politicians are our Royalty. But in my view, Political stuff is insignificant. Most of it is BS. In the end, what gives your life meaning? Is it the fact that you are a Democrat? or is it the fact that you have a great best friend and a loving partner and family that accepts you for who you are?

Next up we have Academics. I have decided that becoming a professor is essentially becoming a priest of your subject. It is a vocation, something that you devote your life to.

So are there other blog network titles? If so, what are they???

A Room of My Own

My kids wrote a descriptive essay describing their bedrooms. It was interesting--after I finished reading them all, I thought about how most teenagers have a little kind of cool haven where they hunker down to live out the droning lonely complicated time that is high school. It's also a place where you shamelessly put all of your identity onto your wall--or the identity you either think you should have or that you want.

The kids all called this room "theirs" and "the only place I own in the house" even though that's a straight up lie because they're all 14 and jobless. But it's like they need a little safe space to curl up because they're not quite ready to not be a kid and it's like their rooms are outside reality.

It made me think of a few things.

1. When I was a teen, I didn't spend time in my room except to sleep, and I shared it with my sister. I tried putting things up on the walls and on a shelf, but it never looked all that great and it never felt like the stuff reflected my personality very well. I carry these same Feng Shui insecurities into adulthood. Also, I was envious of people with cool rooms--I can remember one friend in middle school just had a shitty little room with a daybed, an old dresser, and two desks, but her room felt like her--a whirlwind of life, busyness, and cool people. And boys. And then there were the people with the artsy rooms. I still envy them. But I do have a nice yellow living room, at least.

2. I'm curious about other couples who live together. What happens when you go from having two rooms to one? My boyfriend and I now share a room that's pretty much a bed, night tables, bookshelf, and a dresser (with paint and pictures). But I have all my clothes in the guest bedroom because I get dressed early in the morning, and he's got his computer and music stuff in this room thing that we call "the office." So we still have our own spaces, in a way. What do other people do?

3. Does this my-room-as-my-little-haven thing go away as we get older? Do we start to deal with life in a way that we don't need to curl up with our band posters and YA series praying that we're not boring but we're not the only ones like us? Maybe homes start becoming more like places to relax than hide or escape.

I still like band posters and YA series, though.

don't tell the principal

Well, I don't do it often, but I'm blogging from school. It is because I have a problem and need help. In the worst way.

I cannot find a good deodorant.

What do I mean by good?

• prevents some (not necessarily all) sweat
• covers some stank
• does not get all crusty and disgusting on clothes (I am a big proponent for re-wearing stuff)
• does not make my armpits feel like they are coated with Elmer's Glue at the end of the day and make me scrub them ragged with the shower poof

I just bought some Dove unscented on Sunday and it does not pass the test for bulleted point 2. Good thing I have some body spray at school because dang, I smell like one of those boys I teach. Ok, not really . . . at least I hope not.

Also, I am wearing white pants after labor day. When does that start over? The weather is getting up to high 60s/70s during the day so even though it's still February, I say they're ok.

I need to be working on grad school apps but (of course) it's the last thing I want to do. Here's what I really want to say.

Tell us how you think a grad degree in (random liberal arts field) would help to advance your intellectual and career goals?

"I really think that a grad degree would allow me to get more poontang. Lol! Rolf! For real though: I think 100,000 dollars of student loans would really add to my understanding of the world on a more critical level. I also like to hang out with indecisive but ambitious drunks. The end. Gtg."

Later taters.

How do you spell neurosurgeon?

Careers. What are those?

My kids are doing a research paper on a career that they think would fit them. Some of the dumbest said they wanted to be neurosurgeons and some of the smartest wanted to be basketball players and models.

They have no clue, and all I could do was continue to emphasize that they are just looking into a topic that is interesting to them. But it also has to be substantial enough for a paper, so "model" isn't going to exactly fill out three pages, much the way they don't fill out anything else. Like an application for a real job?

It was a lot of "THIS COMPUTER ISN'T LETTING ME IN" and "THIS SURVEY IS TRYING TO PLAY ME." No, hunny. You just didn't type your birthday in right on the profile page. Gotta love the freshman. I do most of the time. But they are some not-listening fools.

I started a short story this weekend. This is a big deal for me because I've been struggling with the being-a-teacher-and-still-being-a-whole-person issue. I haven't been to dancing in six months and I'm intimidated about stepping back in to class all rusty. Even though no one would care but me. It's going to be painful to realize how much catching up my body has to do.

So I try not to talk about short stories when they're not finished because I'll inevitably tell people about what I perceive to be my great ideas, and then they sound cliche out loud, so I lose my excitement and drive of writing them. I'm afraid my grueling school schedule going to suck the steam right out of this one, but I'm still excited about it. It's about a young teacher crossing lines with a student. Not autobiographical or completely creative, but it will be wrought with conflict I tell you! I'm interested also in taking advantage of this period of weird "What is this adult life after college supposed to be like?" And how all of the old insecurities from way back get drudged up and you start comparing yourself to people again and wondering if your present matches up to your past hopes for yourself at this age. It's a cool time of self-discovery (Wrought with conflict). And in a story, if a character is in that state, she'd be doing things that she wouldn't normally do if she had a handle on what kind of person she was and what she would and would not decide in her life. This summer...a teacher and a student walk the line between friends...and something else! Ugh. See what I mean.

For the Tie-In, I'd like to state that In Conclusion, careers are confusing to one's identity.