WTF revisited

While I wait for my plates to dry, an update.

Remember WTF Katu WTF ? Right. Thank you for your comments. It turns out that she probably is competitive and definitely insecure. Take this example:

(Paragraph 3)
On Friday I had a lunch with a faculty member who is on both of our committees. This faculty member is female, thin, blond, stylish, smart, and put together -- and not afraid to let you know it. She has high standards for herself and for students in general. She is easily disappointed by students' lack of knowledge or hard work.

Now, I adore this faculty member; she is someone I would like to become one day (maybe.) Every time we meet, I leave energized and certain that I will become a great scientist. On top of that-- she likes me-- I know this to the 99% confidence level. After my oral exam I suggested to her that I relearn all of my sophomore organic chemistry and have an additional oral exam with her on the organic just for self respect because I was shaky on my organic in my oral exam. What a nerd I am, right? Actually the problem was that I suggested this when I was high on learning-- not in my right mind. But I ended up following through and she was impressed-- but more important than impressing her - this act- unknown to me at the time- allowed me to transition into my current group easily where previous to my relearning of organic - I would not have considered it.

So I send the email to my committee about my group change and she asks me to have lunch. I look forward to this- and talking to PizzaPan in the lab- I mention it because normally on Friday I have lunch with Jips (husband) but this Friday I wasn't.

Katu gets word from PizzaPan that I am having lunch with the committee member - and she asks about it and mentions that she would be scared or nervous because the faculty member is intimidating for all of the reasons in Paragraph 3 (see above.) But I tell Katu- but you are smart and beautiful and put together, too, so its okay. But Katu doesn't feel that way- and is concerned that prof doesn't either. -- And so we have Katu's insecurity rise to the surface.

And for this I feel bad. Katu's mother pretty much deserted her family when she was young- and that may have an affect on her- but she had a great father and everyone has problems... And her problems don't excuse her rudeness or passive dismissal of our friendship. Still her insecurity makes her human and I cannot be upset with someone I have compassion for.

So I felt bad about bashing her in my blog- I'm sorry Katu. That was Friday. But today- I don't feel bad about it.

The think about Katu and the 4th grader in the post below (by Skuh) is that they care about what is cool... And to that I say BAH. Being kind to other people is more important that being cool yourself.

The End.

What I meant to say yesterday. or WTF Katu WTF

Right. Working a ton. Not keeping up with people. That is what I intended to write about...

Do you remember Tino was working on a short story? Well I asked for it to read/edit/give comments and she sent it to me... I even started reading it, and editing some parts - making comments, etc. Perhaps all of you should know I just went through a phase of reading books about writing fiction. My favorite of the bunch is by Sol Stein: On Writing.

Anyway, so I am reading along--- 10 pages or so in- editing like crazy- and this was 3 weeks ago or so. Then life interrupts and I put it down.

never to return.

-Right Tino-- so I still have your one-third-read/one-third-edited short story... Do you want the first third? or should I wait to finish it? I was thinking wait to finish...

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What else? Skuh sent me this LOVELY personal email... and I put a ninja star on it (as my gmail is ninja themed) and never replied.
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Then one of my favorite academics who is just now starting her tenure track job far away tagged me on facebook in a note: 25 random things about me. I am supposed to write a list of random things. First of all, I hate the word random. It is overused by people who don't want to think of the appropriate descriptive word. After that we have a list of 25 things that people on facebook don't already know about me. I have no intention of making that list. You see, I have a bit of a popularity complex. I friend everyone just to get my friend number higher. That means I have tons of "friends." The way I see it-- if they don't know those 25 things about me already-- then I don't want them to find out with a chain-letter list. Now, Mrs. Favorite-Academic, sure I like her TONS, and I think I will send her the link to this secret blog of mine so that she can learn those 25 things in blog form. But have I told her this? Have I sent Favorite-Academic the link? Not yet. I am just that awesome at keeping in touch.

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And finally this blog- I haven't posted. This could be a good thing because it means I am using all of my time to work and sleep and walk the dogs and kiss the husband. It could be a good thing because life is peachy.

Until now.

I changed groups... And the group I joined happened to be Katu's group. Which is good because the Prof I work for is smart and she has money for lab supplies and plenty of work for us to do. But I was friends with Katu before and I wondered if it would affect our friendship. Guess what? It did.

Right so before I joined there was Katu and Pizza-Pan, the graduate students, a post doc and the Professor. Now there is Katu, Pizza-Pan, Nice-Girl, and me (the grad students), the same post doc and the Professor. Nice-Girl and I sit by each other and I (obviously by her name) am quite fond of her.

Now, Katu and I used to be lunch-on-the-weekend-friends. And lately Katu and Pizza-Pan go out to lunch together all of the time. But they don't invite me or Nice-Girl.

This is not a big deal itself. So this Friday I say to Katu: We never hang out anymore- let's have lunch this weekend. And she says: I don't know... my finances are kinda tight. I say we could bring lunches- but we change the topic...

Flash forward to this Sunday. Katu, Pizza-Pan, and I are working in the lab. Nice-Girl isn't around and neither is Postdoc. Then suddenly at lunch time- Katu and Pizza-Pan leave to have lunch together and even mention it to me when they get back.

WTF Katu. WTF!

So obviously, we aren't "friends" anymore in my book. Certainly not lunch-on-the-weekend-friends like we used to be.

So what could have happened?

(a) Katu's environment could have changed:
I think Katu feels like an older sibling when the mom just had a new baby. Katu used to be the smart and industrious one. And now, she is not the only one who is smart and industrious.

(b) Katu's vision of me could have changed:
She could be pissy because I openly LOVE working for our boss. I LOVE being at work and being in a lab that has money to be used for lab supplies. And she doesn't like research- she openly tells me- and I LOVE research. Before when we were friends- I was less happy: I was working for Catfish -without money for research supplies- with a broken instrument.

(c) It could be a combination of both. It could be that Katu isn't conscious of the fact that she has stopped opting into our friendship.

So right. It pissed me off. But writing about it has helped. And what else? It is okay. I have more friends than I need or can even keep up with. Katu was not the only friend. I can invest my time in other friends.

Life vectors and Money

Novella came and stayed at my apartment recently. I had a very good time with her, and we got to hang out more than I was expecting which was nice. Along with other things we talked about people we knew from high school and what/how they are doing now. I started thinking about high school people -- about how we all had very similar day-to-day lives at one time, and now we have scattered and are doing very different things with our lives.

Then I think- maybe it only seemed like we had similar lives. Maybe the part of our lives that was the same was not the part that mattered. Maybe the things that influenced us were the parts that were not so visible to my high school eyes.

I guess this is the nature vs nurture thing. Or it could be the nature and nurture thing where nature (our genetics) is the X axis and nurture (our experiences) is the Y axis, and our resulting direction in life is the vector in space having both X and Y components. And that is how it would be in 2 dimensions. But with genetics I imagine that we would not only have multiple lengths of the X axis component, but also that we would have other dimensional possibilities.

So the part that is the same is the fact that we wall went to the same high school. But there are so many other variables. How much did we pay attention in class? How did our home life influence our interest in school or boys or girls or drugs? Maybe our home life was so drastically different that it switches us into another dimension entirely. If we consider all of this it makes perfect sense that members of a high school class would be scattered about the universe.

Human beings have too many variables to make a good science experiment. In the class I am auditing I think about how there is so much we don't know about biology and life. We don't know every step in evolution, although we have pieces. We cannot create a living E.Coli bacterium yet (from non-living synthetic materials.) I feel like we are close. We should be able to create an E.Coli. But even bacterial life is SO complicated. If humans continue to exist for long enough (assuming we don't bomb ourselves into extinction) I bet we will get far enough in science to create life from non-living materials.

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On a side note- tomorrow is Monday. I am meeting with my boss AND ordering supplies for my project. The total cost of supplies I need is $7.40. I have a feeling that my boss will tell me to purchase the supplies with my own money. And I will tell him no.

I have the feeling because in the past he has told us to purchase things with our own money - and I have already spent $170 on my research project of my own money. I am not doing this anymore. It pisses me off because it is HIS JOB to get us funding - AND he makes ten times as much money as I make. And he expects me to use my salary to do HIS job, and still do my job? The problem is that my boss feels that he doesn't have enough money. He is selfish and stingy.

I am ready to tell him tomorrow that I am not spending another cent on my research project, and that if he doesn't have the money to support my project then I can find another group.

This is hard for me because I am standing up to my boss, and because it is dealing with money. I have issues with money because my dad never wanted to spend money and so I thought that if I spent less money than he would love me more.

The great thing is that Jips, my husband, loves to spend money. And since I want him to have the things he wants because I love him and we can actually afford the things he wants... it makes me think that I can have the things I want then, too.

But beyond my husband - I have trouble with money. I hate talking about it. I hate asking my boss to spend money on my research because he is always acting pissy about spending the money. So this will be a big step for me.

Are you friends with your Mum?

Video

Facebook in Real Life! It is so great!

I found it on Method Uncertain who knows how to embed videos, while I do not.

Netherland by Joseph O'Neill

The night before I left for my grandparent's house, I went to B&N to pick up a book for the trip. Netherland, by Joseph O'Neill jumped into my hands mainly because it is the "Bookies' Favourite" (for the Man Booker Prize 2008.) I must admit that I was hesitant to purchase it. I read a few reviews and thought that it would be a book about Cricket (the sport.) But far from my expectations this is a novel of perception: Hans' perception of Cricket and everything else. The sentences are beautiful. I cannot remember the last time I found this much serene pleasure in reading a book. A few of my book-marked quotes follow:

Perhaps the relevant truth--and it's one whose existence was apparent to my wife, and I'm sure to much of the world, long before it became apparent to me--is that we all find ourselves in temporal currents and that unless you're paying attention you'll discover, often too late, that an undertow of weeks or of years has pulled you deep into trouble.

She has accused me of exoticizing Chuck Ramkissoon, of giving him a pass, of failing to grant him a respectful measure of distrust, of perpetrating a white man's infantilizing elevation of a black man.

I don't remember anyone in New York talking about his vacation for longer than a minute. ... But in London, it must be recognized, escape--to the country, to warmer climes, to the pub--is a great, bittersweet theme.

Clint Eastwood is as much a part of our family as my out-law aunt

"Family" as a topic was not always peaking my interest. For young Fermi, life was family with a side of school. And at that time I was interested in relationships. I was afraid of divorce. I needed to know how to have a good relationship and not get divorced. Looking back now, I'm not sure where my divorce obsession came from other than the fact that I found it hard to trust people in general add my interest in relationships and you get divorce, betrayal, and cheating spouses.

Some time later, I am married to an incredible man who is my one, and when I think of the future it is of us with toddlers and then as old grandparents, and I think: He will most probably die first. Fuck.

Now my interest lies in family, specifically of the sort that you do not choose: Mothers, Fathers, Aunts, Uncles, Sisters, Brothers, Cousins, and Grandparents. Families and extended families interest me now because they are so different. Generally I see individual human beings as mostly being the same, but (biological) Families are a situation where there is a small pool of DNA that the individuals share. With this come tendencies, and tendencies can be influenced by environment so that you as an individual are "different" with your family (than with a group of randomly selected people) because their predispositions to certain behaviors tend to highlight and enhance those same inclinations in yourself.

---

I mention this because tomorrow is the memorial service for my dead grandmother. I am going to see Aunts and Uncles and Cousins that I haven't seen in 8 years. I don't think I saw my (now dead) grandmother in the past eight years either. This side of my family is an anti-social bunch. I type that with a smile because even though I am looking forward to seeing these people, it seems perfectly normal for me to not see them very often.

This is the first time that my husband will be meeting most of them. Surprises are not my favorite things, so I tried to warn him about what it will be like. In this family we call the people who are married to the siblings, "the out-laws." And this is a perfectly accepted and embraced term. Looking back now, I believe the term origin came from the mix of "in-laws" with our usual activity of watching old Clint Eastwood films together. Do you feel lucky, punk?

One of the out-laws doesn't shave her legs, smokes, is a bit overweight, and is somewhat loud and abrasive. I like her alot, but I still cannot get over the fact that she doesn't shave her legs.

Successful Dissuasion

This pie chart goes out from Fermi to Jips.


more graph humor and song chart memes


I hung out with Maru again yesterday. We did a pre-recording of her radio show, in one hour segments, and it was great except when I listened to it with Jips the second hour of the show didn't make it on air, something must of gone wrong with the way she programmed it in. Anyway it was extremely disappointing.

Maru is very fun and funny partly because she is very hip but doesn't know it. It is refreshing to be free of the subtle arrogance I am so often surrounded with. On our way to do the show she asks me if I mind stopping by a record store. I'm like, Of course I don't mind! Record stores are totally cool! And she wanted to go to this one place that I drive by at least once a week, and always wanted to check out but never made the time. It turns out, we were too early. It was 10 am and it didn't open until 11. I successfully dissuaded her from calling the owner* to tell him that there was an emergency and we needed some records for a radio show.

The List
2. Boss Anger Group Meeting Communication
3. Maru, Katu, and Arum Rae (also Jed, THE FAN)
5. Experiments working

I am getting rid of these blog topics because work (the topics of 2 and 5) is ridiculous. I don't even desire to blog about it anymore because I don't feel it is worth my time. This could actually be a good thing because I have found other things in my life that give me happiness and excitement. Work is still shitty, but I am getting better at spending my free time focusing on and filling myself with the things in life that make me happy.

As for (3) Maru, Katu, and I went to see Arum Rae where I met Jed, the FAN who dances with his whole body: head, neck, arms, legs, and torso. Maru commented that he looks like a possessed-with-the-holy-spirit gospel dancer. That is the best description of it yet. If you haven't checked out Arum's music yet, you should. Solitude Lane and Lookin' For Love would be great tracks to start with.

Jips watched "how to give a man hug" (see previous post) and thought it was hilarious. If you haven't watched it yet, you are in for a treat!

*the number was on the window in case of emergencies

The List
6. Black boys catcalls
7. Harlem Shakes Vampire Weekend vs Bonaroo Music Festival
8. Magazine Obsession
9. Cake Therapy
14. Penelope Trunk's writing
15. Things that make me happy
16. Feeling happy vs Feeling Powerful vs Feeling Superior
17. Jips comes home
18. Flowers and Presents

Broccoli with a neck-tie

I hung out with Maru yesterday. She made this father's day card. Broccoli with cotton balls painted green as the flower-bud part, and a ribbon tied around the stalk in a neck-tie fashion.

After our hang-out date, she invited me to come do her radio-show with her. I accepted. It was pretty neat. I was the guest DJ Fermi. It was terrifying at first, I don't think I have smoked enough pot to be on a college radio station. But then when Jips told me via Google IM that you could tell I had never been on the air before, I decided to step it up a notch in the "coolness" arena and I think it went better from that point on.

too close to home

As Gayla just wrote, I invited 2 more girls to our blog. Gayla and someone else. Peachbone knows who. She just needs to send me her gmail alias and we will be set.

Peachbone and I have talked on the phone twice I think in the past week. This is kind of a big deal for me because I don't normally talk on the phone at all. But talking to Peach was really enjoyable. I guess it just means that I had some kick ass friends in college. And then I moved, and I guess I have friends here, maybe I don't prioritize spending time with them. Maybe I should.

That leads me into something my mom and I talked about... about moving far away from your family or staying close to home. I am the offspring of a "move far away" couple, and now I am also leading a "move far away" life. Some things are awesome about moving far away: I have met some incredible people. I guess it is my work that puts a damper on things. I can't really enjoy people like I did in college because I am always so busy, and now I also have other responsibilities like dogs and a husband.

I guess staying close to home is good if you like your parents and consider them to be decent people. Then when you reproduce, they can help you with taking care of the baby. Also you have a relationship that you can already trust.

Growing up in a "move far away" family, made me think that was the norm. And now, I look around and see so many people that stay close to home, it surprises me, I guess.

PhD granted by Heaven's Gate University

In Yes Masta, Youse a Good Masta, I compare graduate school to slavery. But of course, there are other opinions. One of them is that graduate school is a cult. The main difference in cult vs. slavery is that when you are in a cult, you buy into what your superiors tell you, but in slavery you know that your situation is filled with injustice. You know your situation sucks.

If you read the article about G-skoo being a cult, you will see that it is about the humanities not science. Maybe the fact that I think graduate school is like slavery is because in science we are trained to question and test all assumptions. If you spend all of your time questioning the physical world, it seems natural to question your current situation. When you do start thinking for yourself you become aware of the injustice.

Still, there are cult-like aspects. Remember Sexy Pablo who is leaving with a masters? He is super paranoid that the rest of us will find out. Jips says: "If someone wants to leave with a masters I think they should. Graduate school sucks." But Jips and I are free-thinkers. The problem (for graduate students) is that the graduate students and professors in our department are OUR WHOLE LIFE. So that "leaving" is a major thing. You drift away from the rest of us if you leave. And you might be looked down upon by people who are unhappy and insecure and sacrificing to be here. The worst thing is that other graduate students might talk about you. The truth is that gossiping is our only source of power.

Remember Shawshank? We don't hang out with him anymore. Jips has judged Honey G to be a better investment of his time, and he is right. Honey G is a better person, closer to our age, and more like Jips and me. But this abrupt abandonment of Shawshank makes me feel slightly awkward. One of the biggest problems with Shawshank is that he totally buys into The Academy. He will give undeserving people A's because he is afraid of what the Department Co-Chair will say to him. He is also totally brainwashed into thinking that our school is the best even though he hasn't been anywhere else. He even went so far as to say bad things about my alma mater. That was too much. So Shawshank is banished. I feel better now that I have blogged about it.

Honey G and his girlfriend came over last night. She had a job interview and they were going to make her an offer today. Anyway, two nights ago Honey G was over and he wanted to come to the tennis courts to play fetch with dog 2. So we went, and things were going fine until Honey G decided to hurdle the tennis court net! Dog 2 is very accustomed to the tennis courts but he has never seen anyone hurdle the net. So when Honey G did it in Dog 2's direction, Dog 2 freaked out! He ran away and whimpered. I think that was the first time I ever heard him whimper.

My latest obsession is baking cakes.
I just thought I would put that out there.

BONUS LINK: Stuff White People Like At The Wedding!

enjoy.

Moral not Oral

My time at work flew by today. Probably because (I see a list coming!)

• I was back in the lab actually doing experiments that relate to my thesis.
  
• My boss did not show up to work today. (Always a nice surprise, seriously.)
• It was the undergraduate Zazu's first day.
• I spent 1.5 hours helping one of my friends/colleagues with her oral exam practice.
  

Experiments
are totally fun. I have decided to focus on trying to do the best work rather than the most work. I am trying to give myself credit for doing well-thought-out experiments carefully rather than trying to figure out how I can be The-Most-Productive-Scientist-In-The-World. It is good. Hopefully my results will be good, too.

Boss.
The fact that he did not show up for work today was awesome. It just makes me enjoy my day so much more when I am not subconsciously concerned about him popping into the lab and making his "unsatisfied" face.
Zazu.
Do you recognize the name? I named him after the bird in The Lion King who was always worrying and who would never shut up. Still I found Zazu in the movie, (and now in my real life) very lovable. So Zazu showed up late because he forgot where the lab was. He is just at the end of his first year of college. I taught him this past fall, and so I was already attached to him. He is just so innocent and nice and bright and I would hate to see my boss break his spirit. I guess everyone has to grow up sometime.

Oral Exam
Every time I read the words "oral exam" I think about the dentist. I haven't been to the dentist in awhile. Last time I went they made my teeth hurt and told me I needed a root canal. I was too busy with graduate school at the time to schedule a root canal so I just haven't done any dentist stuff in 1.5 years now and my teeth feel great! But my conscience nags me about it every time I brush my teeth. By the end of the summer, I promise I will go back.

I taught with the chick who had her oral practice. And I taught with her boyfriend. They are both really great and really smart. They are both Asian. Guess who is racist against Asians? Yep, its the boss!!! And he is on her committee. This is going to be bad. Racism combined with the fact that he likes to be an asshole combined with the fact that she is presenting on stuff related to my project, Citizen's project, and my boss's specialty area. Basically, she is fucked. I told her if she fails, just remember you can do it again and you can kick my boss off of your committee and get a different prof.

Oral Asian Chick also asked two of my other friends to come help her practice. And I learned some gossip. Sexy Pablo (a promiscuous Latino grad student in my entering class) is leaving with a masters. He isn't doing his Oral Exam. And this is a secret. I promised I wouldn't tell. So keep it hush hush! Little Bo Peep (another one of my friends/colleagues) wants to quit also but I made her promise to have lunch with me first. Bo Peep even already passed her Oral Exam! She is a PhD Candidate, the bitch part is DONE, and she wants out. I will know more after Friday when we have lunch... and of course I will try to talk her into staying. She is a smart one with her act together. Coming into grad school, everyone assumed she would make it.

So work is fun again. YAY!
AND, if my boss is too lazy to schedule group meeting, work could be AWESOME all summer.
Yay Grad School Yay!

From the Road

Hey everyone. I wanted to make a quick post from the road so you all wouldn't think I had abandoned you. I'm in Sarasota, Florida currently, where we just played a show at the New College. Next stop is Shreveport on Monday. The past week has been a mess of people, music, cats, and a lot of driving.

I think I caught up on everyone's posts since I left. I've definitely been experiencing some interesting gender dynamics on this tour. I've been spending all of my time with the guys in the band and the guys that we're touring with. Not really knowing them very well at all prior to this trip, I can definitely say that they have all exceeded the admittedly low expectations that I hold for the male species. They have all been super respectful and amazing, and I've felt really comfortable spending time with them and building friendships. We are able to build a relationship with one another through playing music, traveling, eating, sleeping, and generally spending a ton of time with each other. The connection seems almost familial. I feel like this sort of platonic relationship is possible and works really well because it has a goal, and that goal doesn't involve sex. We're getting to know each other and developing friendships because it helps us function better as a band/tour buddies. Of course, my sexual preference comes into play in keeping the feelings platonic. It definitely changes the dynamic from my perspective in that I don't consider them as potential mates and therefore don't inject any sexual tension into my end of the equation. Of course, the guys in my band know that I have a girlfriend, but I haven't really talked about my sexual preference with the guys we're touring with. I've felt like I've been treated pretty similarly by both groups of guys. I even had to share a hotel room with the guys we're touring with and one of my bandmates, and the vibe was totally comfortable. It's a good situation and I hope that it stays this way.

In response to Fermi's comment, I totally agree with you about our friendship fostering a sisterly connection between us. In general I draw a pretty strong distinction between friendship feelings and sexual feelings. And I think that it's important to try and respect friendships.

Wow, I am way too tired to continue blogging.

did the word "penis" make the list?

Tino: GREAT post. I will respond to it in depth later.

I bet the answer to the Harry met Sally question is this:
It depends on the people involved.

Of course, this answer is no fun, but let's think of it this way:
Make two lists, one for the qualities you want in a best friend, the other for qualities you want in your ideal romantic partner. Now, the degree of correlation between the two lists determines the probability of you thinking of a friend as a potential sex partner.

Back to the original question:
Can two singles of opposite sex be "friends" in the way that neither of them ever think of the other as a potential sex partner? The answer is yes if the friend list and partner list have no correlation. And the answer is yes if they are both in denial about wanting to fuck each other.

Of course people can choose not to act on feelings. But I don't think that is what this question is really about.

I'd give him...a 5?

I love When Harry Met Sally so much. And this is a fascinating topic.

I think maybe relationships are like a continuum. Like different degrees of closeness to a person. If we're talking about romantic possibilities, then "stranger" would be zero and "spouse" would be ten, in terms of closeness.

So does sex "get in the way?" Well, if you have it with someone, you'd certainly skip a few numbers. If you don't, then your "closeness" to that person can still be somewhere on the continuum.

I think one question is: can we (single people) handle the idea that we're attracted to someone (another single) and still be his/her friend? I think yes, if s/he is worth being friends with and your friendship functions. Then if both parties want to take it up a few notches to a sexual/romantic relationship, then it runs its course there and you either break up or end up staying together. And if one party doesn’t want to take it to a sexual level, then it keeps going at the level that it is. If the “I’m in love with you” partner can’t handle a platonic friendship, then you end up broken up like you would after a failed romantic relationship. (I think friendships have “break ups” pretty often. I’ve had a few with some girls.)

Can we handle knowing that someone is attracted to us and still be friends if we don’t like them “that way”? Yes, if we aren't sending mixed signals. Anyone who is reading more into “friendship” than there is just requires a simple “this is what we are” conversation. (And shame on people who lead a person on to use his affections as an ego boost, on a side note.)

Can we handle the idea that someone we are attracted to doesn't like us back "that way," but we are still friends? If your ego can handle that, then why not be friends?

I guess my thesis is that hetero men and women who are both single CAN be friends with each other. Sure, there are some complications as with any relationship (platonic, romantic, family, etc.), but those complications only extend as far as how much people’s egos are wrapped up in what other people think of them.

If, for instance, you can’t handle the idea that someone would want to be friends with you but not want to sleep with you, then you might be setting yourself up for some difficulties in friendships with the opposite sex, since there are surely to be people in the world who like you but don’t want to get it on with you.

Similarly, if you are friends with someone who appreciates your friendship and ALSO wants to sleep with you even though you don’t want to sleep with him, then somebody’s going to just have to be disappointed in that situation. And then he gets over it, and he can either take your friendship for what it is, or leave it.

On a slightly different but still related topic:

It all comes down to acceptance—acceptance of people how they are right now, at face value, in all of their current behaviors, and acceptance of yourself and your role in your relationships.
And then once you accept the way a relationship is, then you make the choice of whether you want to stay or leave (friendship or sig. other). Since there’s (unfortunately) no such thing as convincing someone to be in love with you, or to be out of love with you, for that matter. And there’s for damn sure no way to make someone be a better person for you to date.

Too many people want to try to fenagle the relationships they are already in instead of taking them or leaving them for what they are--probably because it is really scary and awkward to break up with someone and cut them out of your life. It just is. I've made this very long and drawn-out fenagling mistake myself.

Similarly, some people are scared to start relationships at all because they could potentially lead to a scary and painful break-up or (even scarier to some) a life spent in partnership with only that one person.

But one thing's for sure, "putting yourself out there" will, at some point, lead to an ego bruise of some kind. It's a risk no matter how interested the person is. I think, however, that it is totally worth it, and that life hands out ego bruises all the time that we have to accept and grow from (and simultaneously not allow to crush our entire self-images).

But yeah, single guys and girls can be friends, I think. If both parties want to take it to a sexual level, then they do, and it moves into a relationship status that either runs its course smoothly or ends in firey tragedy. But if one party doesn't want it to be sexual, then it won't be, and both can be accepting of that and continue to be friends.

Now, fuck buddies, or "friends with benefits"...there's a topic that's more shaky.

A dead horse

I just moved into a new house and we don't get the internet set up for a few more days. In my absence yall have nearly exhausted the When Harry Met Sally topic, but regardless, here's my input...

I am what some people call a serial-dater. I have spent roughly 2 of the past 10 years as a single woman. This is not out of insecurity or a compulsion to constantly have a man in my life, but rather a series of unfortunate circumstances that I have only recently come to realize are no one's fault but my own. (This can be addressed at a later date.)


With that said, I understand that my perspective on things may be skewed because I have pretty much always been "taken", and in most of my experience, others have seen me that way too. (So, this may be an example of "married" person A and single person B). However, I have had very little trouble establishing completely platonic relationships with a number of guys. This is not to say that I have completely avoided the awkward experiences of one-sided crushes, rather that they are infrequent in comparison to the healthy friendships I have cultivated.

I do firmly believe that you can be friends with someone of the opposite gender with no romantic feelings from either side. However, perhaps this belief of mine can be explained in the scenarios that have already been presented.
1. The "taken" phenomenon
2. When I look at my closest girl friends... girls I have known and loved since I was 12... girls I have grown and matured with and who know me as well (or better) than I know myself and vice versa-- even if they were guys, I would not want to date them. What I am looking for in a partner is not necessarily what I have formed with them... So, perhaps my "quality lists" don't overlap as much as some others'.

So, we come full circle to what all of us probably already knew before this topic even came up... I guess it just depends on the person...

In a related subject... Anyone have any insight into the "friends with the ex" issue? Possible? Not possible? Sure, sure, it depends on the person, but I have recently found myself having the conversation with friends, both male and female, and there seems to be a distinct contrast between the responses. Just looking for a few more opinions.

Fight to the death: Sexer VS Sexie

This Post is in Response to peacebone's post (Below).

Definitions:

The Sexer: wants to fuck.

The Sexie: does not want to fuck The Sexer.

Can a single guy and a single girl have a truly platonic friendship? No. The friendship can exist, but one of them (The Sexer) will want to have sex with the other one (The Sexie) most of the time. The Sexer may be the boy one month, and the next month perhaps the girl is The Sexer with the boy being The Sexie. If both the boy and girl happen to be The Sexer at the same time, then a sexual relationship will most likely come out of the friendship. But there is another option. Let’s say they both want to jump each other but they are both too inhibited (by social or experience or cowardice factors) so they don’t. In this case they are both Sexers, but they remain friends because they lack the balls to do anything else.

Let’s examine another case.

Given:

Husband A and Wife A are married.

Husband B and Wife B are married.

Both marriages (A and B) are healthy. Both sets of couples are actually in love with their spouse(s) and are devoted to their spouse(s) and their marriages.

Then let’s say that Husband A and Wife B work together. Can they be platonic friends at work? (Meaning that they are friendly and like to talk to each other at work but only do anything outside of work together on really rare occasions: less than once per year) Yes, they can be platonic friends in this case.

If you have a gay man and a straight girl, they can be platonic friends.

What if you have some other combination? One married couple (Husband A and Wife A) and then you have Single Girl C. Can Single Girl C be friends with Wife A? Of course! Can Single Girl C be friends with Husband A? Yes, but the friendship will not be as relaxed as it would be if Single Girl C was married. In other words: Sex does get in the way a little, but most people are able to ignore this.

If you have any other combination, sex will get in the way a little, in different degrees. How the parties handle these sexual urges determines how real the friendship is.

Now that I am married, (And everyone knows it) it is much easier for me to be friends with men who respect marriage. If I happen upon men that do not respect marriage I stop talking to them. (This is a story for another post.) But still, the “friendships” I have with these guys are very light. They are nothing compared to the friendship I have with my husband. But I am also sleeping with my husband, so sex doesn’t get in the way for us, it enhances our friendship. Since I have been married, I have gotten alot closer to Jips in a way I was not able to predict. Working through life problems together, being a family, and being totally secure in our future together changes and enhances our relationship.

How does my friendship with my husband compare to the best girl friendship I have ever had? It is close, but I am closer to my husband. Sex makes us closer, he knows the whole sexual side of me that my best girlfriends don’t know, but at the same time, he also knows me similarly to the way my girlfriends know me.

I am closer to my husband but my girl friends are still incredibly important to me.

I was friends with a boy for years, and now that I am married he won’t talk to me AT ALL.

And then a different boy, wouldn’t talk to me at all until he found out that I WAS married.

I can, with certainty, say we survive

Sorry about your grandma Fermi. My last grandparent died in February (right after Valentines day) 2 years ago. I don't know if I'll ever stop feeling guilty for not having wanted to spend more time around my grandparents when they were here.

Well, aside from wishing you well, I wanted to start a little bit of a discussion. Just something I've been curious about (to better explain it in a sentence fragment).

I can't remember how old I was when I noticed the phenomenon of girls talking about how they've "always gotten along better with guys," implying that they find female relationships hard to cultivate. I guess this is related to Tino's earlier post about women wanting an "in" of some male power, but I think this is different.

Personally, I've always found female relationships much easier to start and develop and much more comfortable throughout. It's only been recently that I've found myself friends with more men. A change that has taken place strictly based on my discovery of the awesomeness of the gay man. I also also fancy myself friends with some married (or might as well be) dudes. So I guess the only men I am friends with are completely unavailable in a sexual or relationship sense.

Maybe this is more of my hangup, that I immediately think of single guys as belonging to one of two categories: boyfriend material or non-boyfriend material. Either label is not likely to promote too much amicability. For one, they cause a lot of anxiety (and in turn, bizarre, uncharacteristic behavior) on my part and I can't imagine that even the subconscious sense of being evaluated and sorted on this basis is good for anyone's ego.

But I digress. The other option is the When Harry Met Sally Perplex. Can men and women be friends or does sex get in the way? I don't fashion myself any sort of Carry Bradshaw in training, but I've found that, for me personally, it's been nothing short of impossible.

Thoughts?