I should be studying for a test right now. I always should be doing something that I don’t really want to do.
What is my identity? Well, I’m a student. But, I don’t want to only be defined by that one word. I used to be okay with that but now I’m not.
Most of my life I think I’ve tried to avoid the whole “identity” thing. Like, if I don’t think about it, I don’t have to have one. I’m not really that funny, chatty, pretty, unique, or interesting. I couldn’t figure out what I was. I think I was able to avoid it by not living in the present. Like when I was in high school I thought, “Man, college is going to be so great.” I get to college. It’s okay. Not as good as the media makes it look. And then there was the grad school pressure. What do I do with a science degree if I don’t get in? I don’t want to teach or do research, so I better work my ass off to get in. So, that became my next identity. Not caring about anything else but that.
So, I get in. I fantasized about how great it will be. Everyone there will be just like me, I thought. Real people that are serious. Ummm…not the case at all (for the most part)
So, now I’m screwed. I got depressed, real depressed. I decided that I can’t keep looking forward to the next thing.
What do I do now? Old friendships are fading. I come to realize people that were in my inner circle were just using me because I’m Olive, the girl that is always responsible and serious and can’t find a reason to say no to you. I won’t go there again.
It’s my own fault, I know. I don’t regret going to grad school. I know I’ll really like my career. But, my life has to be more than a career, doesn’t it? The only career I’ve had so far is being a student.
So, now I’ve come to the realization. I’m not really that funny, chatty, pretty, unique, or interesting. That’s okay. One day I will have a career more rewarding than getting good grades and I won’t have to work 24/7. I’ll have a balance. It’s all about the balance and I never had that.
I hoped that made sense. I’m not really good about thinking about stuff to write about or writing for that matter. I just ran with the identity theme.