Monday, February 25, 2008

Identity

I should be studying for a test right now. I always should be doing something that I don’t really want to do.

What is my identity? Well, I’m a student. But, I don’t want to only be defined by that one word. I used to be okay with that but now I’m not.

Most of my life I think I’ve tried to avoid the whole “identity” thing. Like, if I don’t think about it, I don’t have to have one. I’m not really that funny, chatty, pretty, unique, or interesting. I couldn’t figure out what I was. I think I was able to avoid it by not living in the present. Like when I was in high school I thought, “Man, college is going to be so great.” I get to college. It’s okay. Not as good as the media makes it look. And then there was the grad school pressure. What do I do with a science degree if I don’t get in? I don’t want to teach or do research, so I better work my ass off to get in. So, that became my next identity. Not caring about anything else but that.

So, I get in. I fantasized about how great it will be. Everyone there will be just like me, I thought. Real people that are serious. Ummm…not the case at all (for the most part)

So, now I’m screwed. I got depressed, real depressed. I decided that I can’t keep looking forward to the next thing.

What do I do now? Old friendships are fading. I come to realize people that were in my inner circle were just using me because I’m Olive, the girl that is always responsible and serious and can’t find a reason to say no to you. I won’t go there again.

It’s my own fault, I know. I don’t regret going to grad school. I know I’ll really like my career. But, my life has to be more than a career, doesn’t it? The only career I’ve had so far is being a student.

So, now I’ve come to the realization. I’m not really that funny, chatty, pretty, unique, or interesting. That’s okay. One day I will have a career more rewarding than getting good grades and I won’t have to work 24/7. I’ll have a balance. It’s all about the balance and I never had that.

I hoped that made sense. I’m not really good about thinking about stuff to write about or writing for that matter. I just ran with the identity theme.

2 comments:

Tino said...

I'm struggling with those same things. You're probably a lot more interesting that you give yourself credit for--of course you don't think you are because you listen to your own thoughts all day and you're used to yourself.

I don't remember who said it--some social theorist--but we define ourselves by our work in America. We say "I AM a teacher" instead of "I teach." I'm trying to have a dialog with myself about what else I am--what other things I'd like to do in my life. Not hobbies, per se, but passions. On the side/during my job. I think that's the "balance."

Fermi said...

I am sorry about your friendships.

Have you gotten any better at saying "no"?

You do have your act together though. Maybe you feel like it is impossible to not have your act together. You are responsible by nature (maybe). But that is a good thing. Something to start off of.

Who do you want to be?