Tuesday, December 23, 2008

if only for a moment, every man is an island

It's been a good while since I've visited, much less posted, and I extend my apologies and assurances that it is nothing personal. It's mostly due to the fact that I don't have regular access to a private computer (I'm currently logged in at the Lafayette Public Library), which makes it uncomfortable to write at the frequency I maintained before the computer at home decided to throw in the towel. But then I think, anyone can (and probably does) read this bloggy on the Interwebs, so what do I care if someone wants to take a peek over my shoulder?
The semester ended. Finally. And much to my disappointment, all that's seemed to dissipate is the overriding sense of stress and pressure that managed to keep me on top of my myriad tasks, but also had me on the verge of a breakdown. The sense of suffocation and complete lack of joy in living are still my companions, as well as loneliness and depression. I haven't really been able to shake the last two since the return in January. I am reminded of the talk of karma from Penguin posts past and wonder if I'm being repaid for the peccadilloes of my youth. But it could also be the graver errs I've made and continue to make that have me licked.
The only thing that's different about how I feel today and how I felt about two months ago, is that now I'm accustomed to it. And that's kind of scary.
What's even more scary is that I feel like I'm turning into my Dad more and more every day. As of late, I'm most like him when I interact with him and -- not surprisingly -- we have not had a pleasant interaction in weeks. I think I hurt his feelings and the irony is: that is his legacy to me. After all, I learned from the best. I'd give it back or let it go, but it seems to linger like the smell of an animal that's been trapped and died in the walls of a house. Although, I suppose eventually any stench will fade away, given the right amount of time.

Anyway, I promise to be a more committed blogger. Also, I really hope everyone has warm and fulfilling holidays, whichever they celebrate.

1 comment:

Therapeutic Ramblings said...

Have a nice holiday, and I look forward to catch up on the happens o' the penguin.