Sunday, February 8, 2009

a series of _______ events

Just as I thought I had it figured out, an opportunity was presented to me that has introduced an all-together new angle to my life, also known as Decision-Making '09. A dear friend of mine, who cared for me and made sure I was still sane whilst in Germany, recently started talking me up to the University staff at FASK (where I studied for 2 semesters) and there's a good chance I could get a position at said Institution. After doing a little investigating, I've discovered that the position is really nothing spectacular, but rather would serve as a stepping stone to other, greater things. It's a foot-in-the door position, if you will.
Emotionally, I am ready to go back to Germany. Which is to say, I am unsure if I am all-the-way ready to go back.
I cannot imagine walking away from the Alt Cert program with nothing to show for it. Well, not nothing, but no teacher certification. This prospect is a hard proverbial pill to swallow, as I reflect on how much I've toiled and suffered over the past 8 months to get that damned piece of paper. But then again, if I stick with it and finish the program, I will have tripled my student loan debt. How could I move overseas after having amassed debt of that magnitude? That is also quite the daunting pill to swallow.
My brother, who is far more grounded and reasonable than I will ever be said to me, "You just need to figure out what you want to do."
That's so much easier said than done.
My brother is the kind of person who has been saying since childhood that he wants to be a Doctor. And as we speak, he is two years into his surgery residency at Earlanger in Chattanooga, TN. He's not even practicing yet and is already about as professionally accomplished as I hope to be in the span of my entire life.
Honestly, my ultimate goal is greatness. Beyond that, I cannot tell you exactly what I want to do. I wish like the dickens that that one thing would alight and illuminate a clearly defined path ahead that will lead me to where I'm supposed to be. But the truth is, I haven't the foggiest clue as to what I want to do. I have so may interests and passions and they all nudge and tug at me in some way. Were there an obvious way to marry them all, I probably would have caught wind of that union by now.
Teaching is something that I thought I might enjoy and excel at for a time, while also providing me with decent pay, as well as personal challenges and growth. My goal in getting certified to teach is to have a salary and job security. Not because I want to teach high school for the rest of my life. Mostly, I'm just really tired of being broke and having nothing.

So I'm kind of torn between learning how to be a responsible adult for once -- staying here to finish what I've started -- and pursuing my dreams and what I think will make me happy -- going back to Germany to study foreign languages.
This is not going to be an easy decision to make. But whatevs. I'll arrive at SOME kind of a decision and regardless of what I decide, the world won't stop spinning on its axis.


There's just a week and a half (of the first half) of the Yoga teacher training course remaining. I'm glad that I stuck with it, because I have learned a lot. I truly do feel more joy on a day-to-day basis. I'm no closer to doing a headstand than I was five weeks ago, but my practice is better and deeper. And that's nice.

Unrelated news: I signed up for eHarmony. I don't know why. It was a total whim. As soon as I did it, I was kinda like . . . oh, man. I don't want to bother. So I won't. If I happen to meet someone interesting, great: it wasn't a total waste of time and money. If I don't, who cares? I'll be no better or worse off than I am right now.
I'd be lying were I to deny the very human, primal part of me who still yearns to meet someone special. However, there is the larger part of me who has tasted a Russell-Stover-sampler sized collection of what's out there and wants to pass altogether, for fear of heartburn.

5 comments:

Stikki K. said...

Skuh, "greatness," I believe, lies in the way you do things--not what position or job you hold in life. You always do things with passion and integrity, so I'm not worried about you being great in life, because you already are.

Germany is not going anywhere. When you're ready to go back and financially stable, you will do whatever your heart desires wherever your talent leads you. It won't be the first time an employer is interested in you.

kamakula said...

Yeah, these kinds of decisions can be really tough. In my case, I have people (parents) who tell me exactly what I should do, but I'm disinclined to just do that, so end up with the same dilemma.

If you wish, I can gather a group of my friends. If we all spin counterclockwise, we can rob the earth of a slight amount of angular momentum, slowing the approach of the new day, and giving you perhaps that extra split second of time necessary.

Skuh said...

HAHA! Thanks for the offer. But, I think I have time to figure something out.

Therapeutic Ramblings said...

People are more than what they do. I hope to be successful in life by giving back not by my bank account....though I won't kick a big checking account out of bed!

Skuh said...

The greatness I strive for has nothing to do with which tax bracket I happen to find myself in. The greatness I strive for has everything to do with using my gifts to give back to the world in the way which only I can . . .
It's just hard to know exactly what that is at the tender age of 26.